BOYS TO MEN - 25 YEARS OF KISSING FROGS

A few weeks ago I was asked to list what I think makes a successful relationship. Since the day I started to like boys I had a vague idea of that answer but it morphed with  every boy or man I dated. Not every relationship I was in had a lasting impact but I can say with certainty that there were a few that changed how I perceived what made the ideal boyfriend.

1985 - 1988

I want a cute boy that likes good music, dresses well, writes poetry and makes me laugh.
As it turns out these boys were in short supply and they usually liked other boys. During this time I dated a jock. What can I say - he made me laugh and he was nice to me and that was good enough. I was 15 years old.

1988 - 1990

I want a good-looking boy who likes music I like, dresses well, is passionate and makes me laugh. Instead I dated a boy who was very good-looking, treated me well for the first 2 months and then treated me like a disease and I was convinced I was in love with him. I'm just glad I was wise enough to know that I deserved better. Next...

1990 - 1993

I want an attractive guy who is funny, smart, likes good music, shares my interests and is good in bed.
During this time I dated someone who was funny and smart. We didn't like the same music, had nothing in common and he really didn't treat me that well but it was better than boy circa 1988 to 1990. We stayed together for 2 years.

1993 - 1996

I want to date an attractive guy who is nice, dependable, respectful of me, makes me laugh and is good in bed.
During this time I met my husband. He was all of these things to me. Yes we weren't a perfect fit and we didn't have a lot in common but after '90 to '93 I knew I was dating someone who would be good to me. I knew that no matter what happened he would be there for me and support me.

1996 - 1998

I want to be in a relationship with someone who is attractive, nice, dependable, respectul, will do his share of the chores, can help pay the bills, who makes me laugh and is good in bed.
Kevin and I moved in together and our relationship began to change. I had lived on my own since 1990 but Kevin had not lived anywhere but at home. It was a big adjustment for both of us but mostly him. He never had to cook or clean or do laundry or pay bills. I had been doing it all for years so I just assumed everyone should know how to do these things. I was impatient with Kevin and demanding and looking back I regret that. Still we made it through and got married in 1998.

1998 - 2001

I need a man who can change diapers, get up in the night, pay the bills, feed the dog look after the house, who is nice, dependable, respectful, who makes me laugh and understands when I just don't want to have sex.
In 1999 we had our first child. I became a working mother and Kevin became the father and provider. I have boiled our roles down to the simplest of terms but in essence this is what happened. We no longer took time as a couple. We committed all of our energy to raising our daughter and trying to save enough money to buy our first home. We were toiling away at our jobs trying to advance.Everything that a young couple is expected to do. It was 3 of us together against the world.

2001 - 2004

I need a man who can help with homework, pay bills, mow the lawn, take out the trash, do the dishes, walk the dog, who is patient and kind, loving, dependable who makes me laugh and is still willing to give me one more child.
Kevin and I are now living in our fist house and continuing to build our careers, Kevin comes out of the factory and works in the office, I am promoted to senior designer. We live in suburbia, have drinks with the neighbours and barbeques in the backyard. We still go out occasionally to the movies or to dinner but mostly we stay at home with Rhea.

2004 - 2008

I need a man who can change more diapers this time, help with homework, pay the bills, mow the lawn, take out the trash, help around the house, walk the dog, who is patient and kind, loving and dependable, who makes me laugh and lets me sleep through the night on occasion.
In 2004 our second child is born and I start to work from home. We spend our time split between our children, our jobs and our home. We go out once every other month for dinner and a movie if we have time and money.

2008 - 2011
I need man who is strong, dependable, understanding, helpful around the house, understands me, loves me, can help with homework, help around the house, reach the top shelf, open tight lids, look after repairs, maintain the vehicles, walk the dog, doesn't mind cooking on occasion, who is funny and makes me laugh.
Exhausted with living in a big city we move to Brantford to raise our kids. Kevin commutes to Burlington and I continue to work from home. We spend most our time working, running the kids to activities, looking after the house, and 3 or 4 times a year we go out for dinner or a movie if we can get a sitter, we have the energy and we can afford it.

When I was younger I really only needed someone I could love and who would love me back. It was quite simple. Unrealistic - yes - but simple. As you get older you realize that it isn't enough just to 'love' someone or be attracted to person and even having similar interests isn't necessarily going to make a relationship work . There will be many challenges to face - both as a couple and as individuals. Your relationship and your needs will constantly change. The real question is whether or not both of you can adapt as a couple. One thing that should never change is that you never stop trying.

If I could go back I would have made my relationship more of a priority. We put our relationship on the back burner while we raised our children, climbed the corporate ladder and built up what we thought were our priorities. Now that life has finally allowed us time to ourselves again we are having to adapt again. We need to rediscover what made our relationship work.

Now I am faced with the question 'what makes a successful relationship' and I am stumped. I can't boil it down to a laundry list of requirements because that list is always changing. What I can say is this.

I need a partner. I need a friend. I need someone who is willing to grow and change and adapt with every dilemma that life has in store for us. Yes we may sometimes fight and butt heads and we won't always get along. As long as both of us are committed to making this work and finding our way back to each other I know we will will make it another decade. To me, that is success. Now if I only knew what my husband wanted.

Don't Tread On Me

When I was in high school I was different. I was not as confident or as kind but I was also much more assertive and I always stood up for myself and others. I didn't take much crap from anyone. Over the years I have mellowed considerably but I am not sure it was in my best interest. Now I have gone so far in the other direction i have become somewhat of a doormat.

There have been some advantages to being a kinder gentler Yvonne. I find socializing much easier. I can get along with most people because they perceive me as positive and upbeat. My social life has become somewhat easier. When I meet people I always give them the best of me. I am positive, I inquire about them, I try to find a common interest. But I don't stop there. I continue any and all conversations in a vein that I perceive as one that will please the other person. In other words I am a chameleon. I become whatever it is that the other person needs in order for him or her to like me. 

For years I thought this is what was required of me in order to 1. obtain friendship and 2. obtain success. Any self aware existentialist will tell you that this is not true in the case of friendship although from a professional standpoint that it is definitely true in terms of business relationships and success. So now I can deduce that...

BECOMING SOMEONE ELSE TO PLEASE OTHERS DOES NOT CREATE OR MAINTAIN A HEALTHY FRIENDSHIP

Seems pretty obvious doesn't it. You shouldn't have to pretend you are someone else to be friends with someone. But sometimes we have to be a 'watered down' version of ourselves in order to keep the peace. EXAMPLE: On the street where i used to live the women all talked about clothes, their kids new toys, what was on sale at the grocery store...you get the picture. I don't really care about any of those topics. I wanted to talk about relative issues. I wanted to talk about what's going on in the world. I wanted to discover enlightenment and become a better person. But these people would have none of it. If I brought up a topic that was not in their repertoire they would immediately interrupt me and change the subject. In the 6 years I lived on that street I soon learned to smile and keep my mouth shut if I was to be accepted as 'one of the girls'.

Soon I found myself miserable. I had become someone I no longer recognized. It was then that I realized it was time to move on. I wanted to come home. Back to Brantford. Back to the city I grew up in where people understood me and I didn't have to pretend anymore. Back to my family and friends.

So now I am back and feeling more myself except for one small detail. I still have not found my voice.

For whatever reason I still cannot say NO. I remember seeing a therapist or some other expert on Oprah. He said 'when you say no to others you say YES to yourself'. It's such a simple concept. When I heard that I thought GENIUS! I should be doing that. But am I? Uh...no. And why you ask. Because I am a people pleaser.

I don't like to say no to people because I don't want to disappoint them. The problem is now I am expected to always say yes. I am not blaming anyone for this. Yes for a while there I felt I was being taken advantage of. I was angry at those who had 'done me ill' but after a few weeks of stewing and festering over it I realized it wasn't other people at fault. It was me. I was the one who let it go on. I was the one who allowed it to happen. I had in fact turned myself in to the preverbal doormat.

I may not be reducing myself so that others will like me but I am still not standing up for my own rights. I still have not found the balance of what is good for me even in the simplest situations. Saying no sometimes is what is good for me but for some reason the need to please others trumps my own needs. There are days when I am just having a bad day and I don't want to see ANYONE. Yet on that same day, if someone asked me to  babysit their children I would say yes because I didn't want to disappoint the parents or the child. I would spend the entire time while babysitting doing crafts, smiling, feeding and entertaining everyone but on the inside I wanted to cry. I would deny my own needs in order to fulfill others needs.

So now I am trying to assert myself and my rights. I am saying no. I am learning to say 'that is not okay'. I am taking back what is mine. I may not be doing it very gracefully right now but this is new territory for me. So if you find me somewhat abrasive and abrupt please don't take it personally. I am trying to find my voice. It may come out as a roar at first but I am working on a strong confident resounding assertiveness. I am looking for the balance between the bull headed teenager I once was and the mature woman I am now. I am hoping that when the two finally do meet they will be able to become one strong, confident person and accept one another as she is.

DON'T WORRY YOU'LL LEARN - EVENTUALLY - I THINK

I feel like I have changed since my surgery. I am calm. I am content. I have more energy. Generally I feel better about myself. I have learned to take my time and take in what’s around me. I am more aware of my actions and behaviors because I am more at peace. I am no longer living in a fog.




Let me explain.



Prior to surgery I never rested. I was always running the kids around or running after them, cleaning the house or cooking. If I wasn’t completely immersed in those two areas of my life I was working. I thought this is what people were supposed to do. Most women I know talk about all the activities their kids are in or how much work they have to do. It seems the only way we can validate our existence is by filling every minute of our lives with menial tasks. Frankly I was no different.



I thought that if I did enough, if I was busy enough and if I never stopped, one day I would be good enough. I never realized until surgery forced me to rest that no matter how much I filled my ‘to do’ list I would never feel good enough. It was for this reason and several others that I have decided to seek counseling.



Two weeks ago I went to see a councilor. Our first session was a ‘get to know you’ type of meeting where she asked me questions like ‘why are you here’, who is in your family’, and ‘what was your family like growing up’.



I explained to her that I was here because I was having trouble at home and in relationships both with others and with myself. I said that I have a wonderful husband and 2 lovely girls. I stated that my father was an alcoholic and after my parents divorce I became a latchkey kid.



After that we began to delve more into what was going on in my life and the changes that have occurred since my surgery. I told her that I was feeling better about myself in general. I wanted to go out and socialize more and do more in the community. I didn’t appear in public often before I lost weight and now I wanted to get my life back. I was finding it difficult because of the burdens I was feeling at home. Most days I felt over-committed and stretched thin. I felt burned out.



“Children of alcoholics tend to do that” is how the councilor responded.



At the time I thought that’s interesting and then we moved on to other issues. It wasn’t until after the session I really let that statement sink in.



Did my father’s alcoholism really affect me that profoundly? Is it possible that it is still doing it to this day? I decided to look up Adult Children of Alcoholics on the internet. I was curious what that meant.



The first thing ACOAs do is ‘guess’ at what normal is. It seems like a simple statement but for me it was a revelation.



I had been guessing at normal my entire life. I didn’t know what a normal marital relationship was. I didn’t know what a normal childhood was. I didn’t know what a normal home life was. I imagined. I saw other people’s home life and assumed that was normal and of course I saw images in movies and on television and dreamed that was normal. I still don’t know what normal is. The good news is that I also learned there is no such thing as normal – only functional and dysfunctional. The bad news is I am now stuck with the question “what is functional”?



Another important tidbit I discovered is that ACOAs are perfectionists BUT it is all or nothing. We are conditioned to believe that if we are perfect then our alcoholic parent won’t need to drink and will love us and approve of us. This behavior continues into adulthood. We think that if we are perfect then we are lovable.



This was like the ultimate aha moment. I finally began to understand why I was always ‘overachieving’. I was never happy with anything I did. Nothing was ever good enough and I never stopped to appreciate even the biggest accomplishment because I always felt I could do better. No wonder I was exhausted and unhappy. No wonder I suffered from depression. In constantly striving for perfection I was inevitably setting myself up for failure.



According to the books I have since picked up on the subject of Adult Children of Alcoholics; it is growing up in the alcoholic household that has the most profound effect on ACOAs. The addition of physical and sexual abuse made life much more difficult but it’s the conditioning I received because of the alcoholism that has had the most profound and lasting effects to my functionality at a fundamental level.





So yes I am again on a journey of self discovery. Frankly I don’t think I will ever stop. I am now realizing that my relationship with my husband is in fact ‘normal’ because it is functional. I am learning to appreciate what I have accomplished in my life without criticism. I am learning to stop that inner critic that tells me I am not doing enough or making enough money. I still have a lot of work to do but I am learning to take it slow.

THE GREAT DEPRESSION

I have been through a sea of change this year. Physically, emotionally, financially I have been tested and transformed.

The start of most of this change was my fiscal decline into bankruptcy. Yes I have joined the ranks of the unwashed masses who can no longer afford to repay the debt they have managed to amass. It would be easy to blame the failing economy and the bankruptcy of my principal client. I would love to say it’s all the government’s fault but in reality I had a hand in it too. I got caught up the purchasing fever we as a society all seem to suffer. I became consumer driven. I was so concerned about image and keeping up with the Jones’ I let it overcome who I am. I have never been focused on money. I don’t care what car people drive, the home they live in or the clothes they wear but for some reason I was measuring myself by those very parameters.

I know I am not alone in my delusion. Sure, some of you can say ‘well, that’s not me’ but be honest with yourself. Do you measure your self worth by a dollar value or is it measured in a way that is not tangible? How do you measure worth? How do any of us measure it?



I can pretend that I am all Zen and one with the cosmic universe and preach that value comes from within…but I cannot seem to convince the rest of me that this is true. Perhaps this is because I grew up in the 80s and material wealth was ALL that mattered. Perhaps it’s that we are constantly bombarded with imagery that defines value in terms of what we own and wear or how many vacations we go in a year or whether or not our vehicles are reducing our carbon footprint (don’t even get me started on the marketing of the environment). Maybe it’s the fact that as a society we idolize celebrities and sports stars and their lavish lifestyles. Ultimately I may be influenced by society but know I am the one who is left to decide how I let it affect me.



Which brings me to how this all makes me FEEL… well to put it bluntly it makes me feel pretty worthless.



Since last year my business has been reduced to a part time endeavor at best. Because of my business failing (yes FAIL – that’s how I see it) we can no longer afford vacations. We are always in the red. We drive crappy cars. We never eat out. I shop at Value Village and occasionally Winners when I can afford it. We need to do repairs on the house but the money is never there. I am back to losing sleep over finances. Sure I look after the kids and we don’t have to pay daycare. Plus I work from home so there’s no commuting cost. The best part is most of what we spend is a write-off so I don’t pay much in taxes. But even with all of these lovely perks it’s still not enough.



Now for the flip side to this melodramatic dark coin…drum roll please…I have lost 80 pounds!!!



Last July I asked to be referred to a surgeon for gastric bypass. After many tests and evaluations I was given the go ahead and was fortunate enough to have RNY on Wednesday February 23, 2011. In just 5 short months I have lost 80 pounds.



I know everyone is probably thinking ‘wow life must be perfect for you now’. Even I was gullible enough to believe this would happen once I lost the weight. I was sadly mistaken. Yes life has been markedly improved since the weight loss. My energy has improved. My knees don’t hurt anymore. I have gone down 10 sizes. I am smaller than I have been in 10 years. This is not to say it did not come with its own consequences. My hormones are ALL OVER THE PLACE. Just ask my husband. It’s like living with someone with an undiagnosed mental condition that is not medicated. That paired with low B-12 levels robbing me of my energy and drive makes me a miserable, lazy, emotional quasi-smaller emotional fuck-whit. Not a pretty picture for me, my husband or my kids.



So now between being broke and not having the energy or drive to do anything about it I am finding myself getting depressed again and again facing the same dark cloud I have faced time and time again. I always seem to think I have this thing licked. When things are good I think ‘I’ll never get sad again’ but sooner or later it happens and I have to battle my way out.



So this is why I am writing again. Like most creative freaks I cannot seem to write unless things are kind of shitty. I am at my most creative when I am in my darkest place. I guess the good news is that this past year has been a good one. Even though for the last 2 months I have battled daily to drag myself out of bed, convincing myself that taking a dose of morphine and going back to sleep for a few more hours is probably a bad idea.



Now before you go calling the men in the white coats try to remember that throughout my twisted life I have learned to identify when I am spiraling – and believe me I am spiraling. That is why I have spoken to my doctor and asked to see a councilor before it gets any worse. I may be a basket case (insert crazed laugh here) but I am not an idiot. I am also not self-destructive so don’t worry about coming to my house and dumping my morphine down the sink. Besides if you do I MAY go postal – smile!



So there you have it folks. I look happy. I feel physically good but I am an emotional wreck. ‘nough said. Regardless I know things will get better. They always do. It’s just a bit harder this time because of the hormonal issues and the B12. This time the battle has become more than emotional it has become physical as well. But don’t you worry. It’s nothing a bottle of tequila and a shotgun won’t fix…kidding. Settle down:)

DIARY OF A WIMPY MIDDLE-AGE SUBURBAN HOUSEWIFE

I've been considering this blog for quite some time now. You see my girls have both had their experiences with bullies over the past year. I have had friends whose children have had the same problem.

When I first heard my youngest daughter was being bullied on the bus I wanted to smack the kid that was doing it. I know this is wrong and I have since changed my perspective but my first instinct is to physically protect my child. You see the boy that was bullying my then 4 year old child was 9 years old. He made a rhyme saying he was going to 'put a gun to her head, pull the trigger and  she's dead'.

The most perplexing aspect of this case of bullying is that the boy is our neighbour. Prior to this we had had him over to swim and roast marshmallows. I invited him into our home and he managed to charm us all. Then, when I heard what he said to my youngest child I was devastated. I felt betrayed but most of all I was frightened by the level of cunning displayed by a boy so young. I couldn't help but think about incidents like Columbine. No one suspected those boys were capable of committing such atrocities. This may seem far fetched for me to be considering now but imagine if the someone had thought the same thing before those boys shot all of those poor innocent children. It may have been prevented.

It's this sort of thing that stokes the fire in my belly and causes me to seethe with anger. I want the kid to be punished. Someone needs to pay. My children should not have to tolerate this abuse and I sure as hell am not going to allow this to happen...BUT it's not always that simple.

In the case of my 5 year old - now that I have had time to digest it and get to know the boy I can honestly say I don't think he understood the gravity of what he was saying. Plus I think he was being pressured by other boys on the bus. My daughter wanted to sit with the boy and paid him a lot of attention. As a result some of the other boys started making fun of him. To protect his own ego he started making fun of my daughter. Although he should not have done that regardless there was a reason for what he was saying. I am trying to understand his position more but still - if he was my son there would be some serious consequences for what he did. As it is, he did not recieve any punishment besides a talking to and a call home.

Now this year my eldest daughter was being made fun of and once again we knew the person. Because they are friends of ours I won't go into details but suffice it to say, once again, I was furious. I wanted to step in and protect my child. Especially when my daughter is BEGGING me to step in. She is also having nightmares. So I do the only thing I can do - I talk to the teacher and the child's mother.

At this time I believe the situation with my eldest daughter has been resolved but I still worry. I don't want her to feel centred out by others. I don't want other kids to laugh at her. Especially when frankly I don't see anything to laugh at. My daughter is beautiful and brilliant and kind. The only reason for the bullying that I can think of is jealousy. Often when people are trying to make others feel bad it is in a twisted attempt to make them feel better about themselves. It's also deflecting and it happens quite a bit with children (and adults that never truly grow up).

The hardest pill to swallow is the advice that I am forced to give my children. I tell them to ignore it. To turn the other cheek and be the bigger person but how can I ask them to do something I could not do myself. You see I myself was bullied when I was a child. Boys from my school would follow me home and call me fat. I retaliated by saying something to this day I feel terrible about. I also had to pretend I was okay when I got home so my father wouldn't go off the deep end and go run the boys down with our car. I suppose that is why I am telling my children to do just the opposite of what I did. I don't want them to regret hurting someone else's feelings. I also don't want them to think that bullying back will solve anything. I know I am telling them the right thing to do but when I remember how hard it was to be a kid being bullied I wonder if I am giving them the right advice. How can you explain to a playground full of 10 year old boys and girls that YOU are taking the moral high ground and that in 10 years everyone will realize that you are doing the right thing. PLEASE! In 10 years there is a good chance most of those kids will STILL be bullies they'll just be bigger, older and better at it.

So here I am - a wimpy middle-aged suburban  housewife doling out advice to my kids like fortune cookies but not able to really help them. I feel let down by the system and societies rules and niceties. We are not permitted to defend our children. We aren't even supposed to tell them to defend themselves. The problem with this theory is that there are more bullies out there and we are continuing to teach our children to be victims. Be brave. Stiff upper lip. Turn the other cheek. What we are really telling them is " Just try to take as much as you can without letting it destroy your self image or ruin your childhood until the adult world can get their heads out of their asses and deal with these bullies, and their parents, because the parents are the REAL problem'.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

This Cake is from Cake Opera Co. in Toronto.
Check them out at cakeoperaco.com

Today I am 39 years old. 39. Say it. Let it wash over you. Let it sink into your subconscious and bounce around for a while. Is age just a number? Is it a mark of us getting that much older?

No.

It's a reason to celebrate another year of successes and failures. It's a day to remember the joy in life as well as the pain. A birthday is like New Year's eve. Say thanks to the universe and celebrate your blessings and wash away the negative to emerge anew and take another path.

Today I think about the people in my life. I think how lucky I am to have them and to know that, through thick and thin, I can count on their support. I think about my family and how blessed I am to have them in my life. To feel their love everyday. I am blessed with 2 wonderful children and a truly caring and understanding husband. I am blessed with supportive friends who want nothing but the best for me.

So today is not about the wrinkles and sags and whatever 'perceived' signs aging provides. I am reminded of the years spent having joy in my life. The fact that in spite of all the obstacles and difficulties I have faced over the year, I am here, still smiling. And if next year when 40 approaches I can say the same thing - I will welcome that birthday with open arms.

Thank you everyone for a wonderful year!

YOU'RE GOOD ENOUGH, YOU'RE SMART ENOUGH, AND GOSH DARN IT, PEOPLE LIKE YOU

I started reading a new book last night. "Women, Food and God". I had a good friend recommend it to me. When I went to find it and discovered that it was $28 to purchase it at Coles..well that put me off  of it for a while. Not to mention the use of the word God in the title. That will scare most of us 'spiritual' types away everytime. I imagined it was going to be yet another journey to find the one true higher power. A concept I whole heartedly do not believe in.

So a few days ago I found my self at the wal (AKA Wal-Mart) where my eldest daughter was on a search for the next Vampire Diaries novel. And there the book was again. Staring me in the face saying "well I am 30% off here. Are you going to read me or not?" I decided to take my meager allowance and splurge on my first hardcover book since the Twilight series. As a reward for my troubles I found at the cash register the book was actually half price. Bravo you bargain diva!

So I took the book home and placed it on my nightstand to read before I went to bed. For the entire evening I thought "I need to get up there and start reading so I can start healing myself and get on with my life." So by 9pm I was in my jammies and snuggled up with my new book and within a few pages I realized that it was not what  I had been expecting.

Right away the author explains that this book is about our 'divine' relationship with food. She uses the term God because it is one that is universally recognized as a 'higher power' but not THE higher power. Phew. What a relief. I can read on. She also goes on to discuss food and diet and our need to 'fix' ourselves through whatever means but usually  along the route of weight loss. She also talks about always rushing to get to the next thing. I am doing it right now. I am rushing my description of the book so I can get to the next paragraph. Even as I make a lasagna I am rushing the cooking of the meat so I can move on the the layering and then the cooking and then, of course the eating. Rush. Rush. Rush.

It's in that chapter that I realize part of my problem. I have never lived in the moment. I have never stopped to enjoy the hear and now. I am always working my way to the next goal. I can remember rushing projects in school because I became anxious about missing the deadline. I remember feeling resentful towards people who handed everyting in late but stil got better grades. Lets face it. It's because they took their time. I was so consumed by the deadline I didn't put the time into the project and given it 100% of myself.

As I child I was always worried about being late. I was like the white rabbit running around checking my watch constantly but never seeming to arrive anywhere. Off to school! Don't be late! You have an appointment don't be late! Let's do lunch! Don't be late! The problem with obsessing with my potential tardiness has led me to being excessively early to everything. I am always early for appointments, meetings, dinner. Once I have arrived at my desitnation I spend those extra 10 or 15 minutes contemplated whether the person I am meeting will be late too. It seems no one is safe from my obsessing.

So here I am peering at this book wondering "Is it really that simple?" Do I just LET GO and be free and stop obsessing? Do I just learn to love myself and everything will be fine? Probably not but I will say one thing. It is one hell of a place to start.

Imagine if everyday you looked in the mirror and instead of seeing all that you perceive to be wrong with you physically and instead you saw all of the beauty your love ones and friends see.

 I remember one day in science class my teacher brought in one those mirrors that lets you see yourself as other see you. Normal mirrors reverse what is actually there whereas this mirror reversed it again so that you could see your actual likeness. I could not believe how different I looked through that mirror. Most of our perceptions of ourselves are equally as distorted. We judge what we see. We concentrate on what we perceive as broken. Imagine seeing past the celulite and the saddle bags and the beginnings of crows feet. Imagine having the ability to peer deep insider yourself and recognize and appreciate the person you are without all of that emotional baggage that has manifested from an unhealthy body image. Imagine how free and liberated you would be if you could see that you don't need to fix you because you are not broken.

I spoke to a good friend today about another one of my obsessive behaviours. You see I have never considered myself to be a particlularly nice person. I am always concerned that I haven't been as tolerant or as forgiving as I should be. Once again I have found something else to fix. But I have come to realize that I will never be a saint but I am certainly no devil either. I am realizing that I can be kind but not allow myself to be taken advantage of either. I can assert myself in other ways.

All this enlightenment. All this realization and I am only 100 pages in! Normally I would try to anticipate 'What's next! What's next!'. Instead I am going to work on what it in front of me now. I have made some intense realizations about myself. Whether or not they all stem back to my relationship with food remains to be seen but I have an inkling they will. But that is not for me to speculate about now. Now I am going enjoy the quiet of my home. I am going to enjoy the smell of the beef as it simmers on the stove. I am going to listen to the bird that is singing in outside my window. And somewhere, deep inside myself, I will try to find the serenity to not kill the fly that continues to buzz around my head and drive me crazy! Hey, even Gandhi would be rolling up the newspaper right now...or would he...either way he can decide for himself and so can I.

NO MORE!

On the morning of September 20th I go for my first appointment before I have my bariatric surgery. There are 4 to 6 appointments I must go to which can take up to 9 months. It's been a long road to get this far. 3 years of trying to get on a list for surgery. This was always 'my last option'. I joined a gym, hired a trainer, went to meetings, spoke to nutritionists, starved myself, reduced carbs, fat, dairy, stopped eating red meat, stopped eating white flour, stopped eathing all together, drinking more water...you name it, I have done it all.

Food isn't just food for me. It's comfort. I have been an emotional eater all my life. I can remember my parents would order KFC on Thursday when dad got paid and every Friday we would get a treat from the store. These were the best days of the week. I won't talk about the bad stuff that went on in my house but it left me clinging to anything that brought even the most minute ounce of joy. This is the beginning of my obsession with food.

I was always a chubby child especially when compared with my rather thin sister. People including my family would comment on my weight. It was so bad they sent me to Weight Watchers when I was 8 years old. At the meeting they told me that I needed to eat more just healthier choices. That was possibly the most idiotic thing I had ever heard. What choices was I able to make. I ate what I was given and I was FORCED to clean my plate every time I sat at the table. So now I am completely confused. I am told that I should not eat so much by my family but here were the experts telling me I didn't eat enough. I just didn't know what to do.

All these years of denying my body food or overindulging resulted in obsessing. Even when I wasn't eating  I was worried about when I was going to eat next, what it would be, how many calories I would be consuming. It just never ended. And when I did not obsess about what I was eating and tracking my food consumption I began to gain weight. Let's face it - weight and food have ruled my life ever since that first Weight Watchers meeting 30 years ago.

I guess I am just tired of everyone telling me what I NEED to do to lose weight. The last thing I NEED is for someone else to parade their ignorant assumptions about me and my weight by telling me how to diet, what new fad I should try, and how I should live my life. Really it all measures up to the underlying message that is contained with each sentence. The message that says "You are fat. Stop eating." Trust me I've even tried the starvation route and that doesn't always work out.

It also seems that if I am not constantly 'dieting' people look at me with suspicion. Like 'are you sure you should be eating that fatty?' It's not like I am scarfing down fries every chance I get. I only eat fast food MAYBE 6 times a year. I have a chocolate bar once a week. I am not a huge chip fan. I can live with just a cup. I eat fruit and veg every day. Yes I could eat more of them AND drink more water but who couldn't. I mean the majority of our society does not eat right, excercise and watch their food intake but because they are not fat then it doesn't seem to matter.

I am sick to death of feeling like I have to EXPLAIN myself because I am fat. I am sick of  feeling like I am the only one at the birthday party that is not ALLOWED to have cake because I am fat. I am sick to death of feeling like I have to EXPLAIN myself everytime I eat something that might be bad for me. Most of all I am sick to death of living my life by what rules everyone else thinks I should follow.

From now on I am going to make healthy choices as much as I can. Yes I will have bad days but that is no one's business but mine. If you catch me eating a piece of cake or a donought I DON'T OWE YOU AN EXPLANATION! I don't owe you shit. It's my life. I don't tell you how to live yours so don't tell me how to live mine. And don't  tell me you are 'concerned' about my health. If you were concerned about me you would ask me how I am feeling not WHY, WHAT AND HOW MUCH I AM EATING!

So I am done with being told how to live my life. I am done being judged by others. I am done with that condescending voice both in my head and out of it telling me what to do. From now on I am going to make decisions not based on what other people will think but what I will think because really I am the one who has to live withe consequences...no one else. And for the record, my kids and husband NEVER obsess about what I am eating. They love me just the way I am. They don't see me as fat - they see me as me. So what does that tell you?

English Speak Making Hardness

Wow - what a week. I am exhausted. On Tuesday the girls went back to school and I started a new part-time job. On top of that I had 5 commercials to finish by end of day Friday. Not to mention I have a presentation to finish this weekend AND it's my 12 year wedding anniversary on Sunday. I confess I have nothing left. I am drained, beat, done. All I want is a soft fluffy pillow, a good book, my fuzzy jammies and a cool autumn breeze wafting through my bedroom window. Now that's my idea of heaven.

But it is not to be quite yet. I am still working. Right now I am waiting for a file to upload for a client who emailed me 2 hours ago and said "by the way this start monday. Can you make sure it gets to the right people? Thanks". What she should have said was "Can you finish this job for me because I am already sipping Marguerittas from my ocean view on the westcoast and I couldn't possibly pull myself away from such joy. I mean it's not like you have a life outside of your basement. You only have 2 kids, 2 dogs, 3 rabbits, a husband, a home to clean, mounds of laundry to do and other deadlines but hey...I'm the client and that's not my problem."

Whoa did I spiral there or what?

So now I am going to spend a few pleasant hours with my friends and hopefully I will be able to maintain a somewhat intelligent conversation without causing them to further question my intelligence based on my slaughtering of the English language due to sleep deprivation.

I don't even know what I am saying anymore.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Talk soon! Love ya!!!!

ONCE APON A TIME - Inspired by actual events

It's 7 AM and I am pouring a hot cup of tea at my kitchen counter. I love that smell. I love it even more when it is mingled with the scent of fresh morning air as it wafts through the window. It reminds of our family vacations when we would go to Restoule and stay in the cottage. I find it relaxing and intoxicating. It puts my mind at ease. It reminds me that I should wake up earlier more often.

I have some work to do in the office today. I also have a wooden sign to paint for a client. Between the two it is a nice mix of computer and hands on creativity which I love. It's not often I get an opportunity to paint. Recently a client of mine asked me to design a logo for his barbecue company as well as develop a wooden sign (with the help of my husband of course). I have finished the airbrushed fire effect on the letters and now I just have the finishing touches. I need to cover the edges of the letters in black paint so it's not too mentally challenging but I do have to concentrate. It allows me the opportunity for my mind to wonder elsewhere and consider other aspects of my life.

For some time now I have wanted to write a book. I am sure there are many people out there in the world who have considered this at one point or another but I just feel this is something I have to do. Actually I have already begun which is a huge step because procrastination is definitely my strong suit. My issue is balancing between what is real and what is imaginary. What I mean is this - Do I talk about my own life and experiences or do I embellish? I have ofter heard it said that you should write what you know but I would like what I write to also have an air of the unknown - you know?

Writing for me has also been a way to escape the every day. It's an opportunity to re-invent yourself. To become what you have always wanted to be. It is also an opportunity to express a bit of your true self. The one that exists inside your head that you may or may not share with everyone every day. You don't have to edit your thoughts for others. This is a chance to express your true feelings freely. But in doing so you also risk hurting those you love. For example, I can pretend that I am writing about some other woman who has a sister that is mean to her but MY sister will of course draw a parallel to herself and assume I am writing about her. Whether I am or not is irrelevant because the outcome will be the same. So now I feel compelled to say that I have a nice sister. But do I have to illustrate everyone in my story in the same light? If I did that would be one of the most flaccid books ever written. It would be like the movie Pleasantville without adding the coloured bits.

So now I am left considering how to proceed. Do I write for myself or do I write for others. Yes I would like people to enjoy my book. I want them to get lost in the characters, feel their pain and joy but I surely don't want to cause my loved ones any emotional discomfort while doing it.

I think I know what I am going to do. I just want you all to know that before I made my decision I did consider other people's feelings. I did not just charge ahead and write whatever I wanted to without any consideration for anyone but myself (yes I have been accused of this in the past). I am thinking of others when I am writing but I must also think about myself. This is my opportunity to express how I feel too - good and bad. So hopefully some of you will read my book when it is finished and derive some pleasure from reading it. Maybe even some pain but know this. If I hurt your feelings I apologize but this is just how I perceive life to be. Not how it actually is. Confused? Good - Me too.

I JUST WANT THE TRUTH

We as a society are bathing in the lies we are told - from all directions. From advertising to politics to industry and business. Everywhere I turn I see it and it is frightening how easy it is for them to tell the lies and for us to believe them.

In advertising it can start as a little lie. A mascara commercial claims that you will have longer fuller lashes but look closely. 9 times out of 10 there is a disclaimer at the bottom of the screen stating that the lashes are a dramatization. What does that mean? Just that the lashes probably fake - stuck on or computer enhanced but they are not real. Now it's up to us. Is this a harmless little white lie, or is this the first step on a very slippery slope.

In Canada we have advertising standards. It ensures that there is 'truth' in advertising. It regulates advertising so that we are not 'lied' to. We may not be flat out lied to but we are certainly deceived. One such scam is life insurance. THere is currently an ad on television for a Canadian Insurance Company. It is clearly aimed at the elderly. It preys on guilt the elderly would feel if they were to leave any debts or financial responsibilities to their family should they pass. They claim that no one is turned down and you don't need a medical. What they fail to tell you that in the province of Ontario underwriting is legal. What this means is that if you die of a 'pre-existing condition' they do not have to pay your policy. They don't give you an exam and in order to cover the small 'oversight' on their part they add a clause that allows them not have to pay out if you say have diabetes and die due to ANY condition that could be linked to that condition. If it is determined that you did die from a pre-existing condition your 'loved ones' will not receive payment on the policy but will reimburse your premiums. I can't even say they would guarantee that and given the opportunity I am sure the insurance company would also choose to keep the premiums.

But the lies don't end there.

7 years ago we bought our first house in Hamilton. When we moved in a few of our neighbours pointed out that there were lead pipes leading to most of the homes. They suggested that we get our water tested to see if there were any issues with the water. We called the city and they confirmed that our pipe was in fact lead and would test our water for free. Some weeks later we received a letter from the lab stating that there were high traces of lead in the water and that we should not drink it. We called the city and told them. We replaced our pipe (out of our pocket) leading to the house. Once that was done an inspector came to confirm that we had done our part before the city would replace their part. When we told the city rep about the report we received and that we shouldn't drink the water he became belligerent. He said the water was just fine to drink and that he did not believe the letter we received stated that. I knew why he was acting this way. Deniability. As long as they admit no knowledge of wrong doing they cannot be liable for any damage done.

Something similar happened to my mother-in-law. She kept having floods in her basement because the pipes would back up from the streets. It wasn't just her, it was her entire street. Rather than admitting that it was the pipes and replacing them the city continued to patch them up. My mother-in-law's basement flooded a half a dozen times before the city would do anything about it. They agreed to replace the main on her street. They gave each resident $2,000 but forced them to each sign a document stating that upon accepting this deal they would also agree not to sue the city. Left with no other choice my mother-in-law signed. The money didn't even cover all of her deductibles she had to pay over the years. To top it all off she was told by her insurance company that if she was to have another flood she would no longer be covered.

Even the people who sold us our house lied to us. When we purchased our home the previous home owner signed a document stating that there were no water leakage issues in the basement that they were aware of. They seemed like a nice couple so we believed them. Between the time we bought the house and took possession the homeowners called us to say they had a flood but swore this had never happened before and would look after it. We took them at their word. A month or 2 later we took possession of the home. That winter was very cold and the ground froze solid. We had frequent freeze and thaw which resulted in quite a bit of water on the ground. We immediately started getting floods practically every week. My husband discovered that the previous homeowners had covered up a large hole in the wall with drywall so the inspector did not see it. We also discovered that there some serious leaks in the crawlspace. We had flood after flood. It became quite apparent to us that the nice old couple we bought our home from had lied. I know we could have gone to our lawyer to get them to pay for the repair but by the time we finished paying the lawyer it would be cheaper to just fix it ourselves - a fact I am sure this couple was fully aware of.

All of these lies - little white lies to the big whale is for one reason - money. There was once a day that your character held more value than your bank account. I miss those days when a handshake or a person's word was enough but that is no longer the case. It seems even a contract won't hold someone to their word if they can find a way to weasel their way out of it. Sometimes it seems that we are powerless to do anything about this but there is. Don't buy products that are dishonest about their results. Write to them via their website and tell them that you are choosing not to buy their product because it is being misrepresented in advertising. Be aware and vigilant when you are purchasing insurance. Don't back down to the bureaucracy when they tell you they won't pay. My mother-in-law may have been forced to sign that document but up to that point she fought tooth and nail just to get that much. She called her city rep every day until he did something about it. Let people know that you have caught them in a lie. Whether or not they deny it they will know that you are onto them. Another way to fight this epidemic is to continue to be honest yourself in your personal life and your business life. I know that when I feel i haven't been completely honest with someone I feel guilt. I can carry that guilt for years and it eats away at me. It makes me realize that the lie or the deception may have benefited me in the short term but in the long run it does more damage.

I don't usually take this tone with my blog. I don't like to be on a soap box but this is something I feel very strongly about. I feel like this is a slippery slope that could lead to our detriment. I think if we are vigilant and aware of the current climate we can avoid it getting worse. We can stop the envelope from being pushed any further. We can say enough is enough. Maybe this is just my own paranoia, maybe I am right on the nose. What I do know is that I could definitely use a little more truth in my life.

ENJOY YOUSELF...IT'S LATER THAN YOU THINK

Well it's official. I barely had any work to do yesterday. The nice part is my mum had generously given Kevin her car for the day, allowing me to use the van. So I was able to get a lot accomplished outside of the house that I would otherwise not have been able to do. Delaney and I went to the dentist. Afterward we got school supplies and then I got a pre-paid visa which will allow me to make business purchases online without worrying about 'owing' anyone later.

After we were done our running around I decided to drop by my mother's house to see if she needed anything or needed the car for anything. We sat outside on my mum's patio for about an hour talking and drinking tea. This is the first time since the summer began that I actually felt relaxed. Rhea turned to me and said "This is nice." That should have been the sign that told me what I was doing was okay but instead - I felt guilty.


I felt like I should be earning my keep. Contributing financially in some way. For whatever reason I feel it's necessary to always be working or I am not doing my bit. I know I am looking after my children but I still feel guilty that I am outside relaxing while my husband is working 10 hour days. It just seems wrong.

Despite how I feel about all of this down time my children are thrilled. They have made it quite clear to me that they enjoy it when I am not working and we have an opportunity to enjoy the reposeful time. When I told them I had stayed up last night to finish my work so I could be free all day today they actually cheered. To be truthful I was touched that they derive such joy from me just being there with them. They seem to be bored when left to their own devices. So instead today we are going to go for a bike ride to the park (an activity I have not enjoyed in 20 years). We are packing a lunch, I am bringing a book, Delaney is bringing her sketch pad and Rhea is bringing her climbing feet and then we are off.

Later I will have to check my email. I will have my iPhone with me so I won't miss calls (I still have to have my business sense about me and take calls). I will also be cleaning the house at some point - a chore that I loathe - but all in all I will attempt to relax and enjoy the time I have with my kids. After all, summer is only 2 more weeks and soon they will be back to school. And if I am going to live in the now I need to start right away which means by appreciating my children today. They grow so fast and before I know it Rhea will be too cool to go to the mall with me. Delaney will want to play at friend's houses more than at home and I will hardly see them.

So I have resolved to remind myself of these facts the next time I am feeling guilty about my leisure time because once it has passed I can never get it back and I will be filled with regret. Now that is a feeling that cannot be relieved but it can definitely be avoided.

LET'S ALL GO THE LOBBY...

Today I had the pleasure of accompanying my 5 year old to the movies. I didn't particularly enjoy the feature film but I always enjoy watching the reaction it elicits out of my child. It's also an experience to watch movies with other children. Their pleasure is always so honest and uninhibited. It's refreshing.

I remember the experience of going to the movies as a child. The delicious treats at the snack bar, standing for the national anthem (now I really am aging myself), watching the previews, and most of all just being carried away to another place and time. It was magical.

Now the theatre has lost some of it's allure. Yes I still enjoy the treats but I must be aware of the calories each one contains. The previews are enjoyable as I love a good trailer but they have become formulated and predictable. Not to mention about 70% are now in 3D which now become the standard for most films. I mean - if you can make Step Up 3D that pretty much opens the flood gates for any old tripe to be made into 3D. And in doing so, allowing the theatre to charge more money no matter how bad the film is.

But I digress...


The magic has died a little since I was a child. The films were always larger than life with Dolby and THX surround sound. The images were far superior to anything we could get at home. Now, most of us have big screen HD televisions with the same type of sound systems. We don't need to go any further than our own living rooms to enjoy a good movie. And with the dawn of 3D home television we have created a new standard in home entertainment.

Where does it stop? We as a society have such a desire for the next new thing we are slowly killing the magic because we over-expose ourselves to it. Technology has advanced to such a degree it has become common place. Having a computer was once considered a privilege. Now it's a right. Microwaves were expensive now we can't seem to live without one. We joke about 'remember when we had to use a pay phone to call away from home' but the reality that we can't seem to live without our cell phones is quite frightening.

I am not going to say I don't appreciate all of the advances technology has made. I wouldn't be sitting in my bed typing this on my laptop via my wireless network if I didn't. I am just wanting everyone as a society to appreciate what we have here and now without waiting for the next big thing to come around. I think that's part of my problem. I am always anticipating the next big thing - not just in regards to technology but in regards to everything. I am not living in the moment and enjoying today. I am always looking to the future and anticipating what is to come. The next holiday, school starting, buying a car, even the release of a movie on DVD. I need to learn to live in the moment and realize what I have now. I have to realize that what I have, where I am and who I am is enough.

WHAT TO DO, WHAT TO DO

I cannot believe how busy the last month has been considering my #1 client closed it's doors. I haven't really felt any slow down at all. That is until this week. This entire process has been a mix of emotions. I began to second guess my recent financial decisions. Did I jump the gun claiming bankruptcy? Now when I look at my to-do list for the next week I can honestly say No I did not.

This may seem all doom and gloom for some of you but to me it's like a blank page. A freshly cleaned white board just waiting to be filled with something new. I have so many ideas for my next move I am just bursting to get started. I see this as an opportunity to explore dreams that I once had which were left abandoned. I chose to continue working in advertising, not for the sense of personal gratification, but for the money. Now I can finally do something that feeds my soul and with luck, will also put food on the table.

There are many things I used to do that I can now try again. I can start to draw and paint. I can spend more time reading. I have started writing again. I am designing toys and furniture with my husband. Besides all this I will also have more time with my children. My youngest starts grade 1 in the fall and will need my help with her homework. I can spend more time in my garden. This year's garden was quite successful but given more time I think I could have done more research and planned it better.

So now I am going to spend the next few months exploring all of my loves and passions and then maybe I can figure out my next career move.

Let me just say that none of this would be possible without my husband Kevin. When I told him my plan he said 'I will support you whatever you want to do. I just want you to be happy.' If it wasn't for Kevin I don't know what I would do so for this I say THANK YOU KEVIN. You really are an amazing husband.

I know this post has been incredibly short and sort of ham fisted but my brain is absolutely swimming. I am in the middle of writing a book (something I have been wanting to do my entire life). I can't get it out of my head. Wish me luck and I'll keep you posted.

PUSSYCAT, PUSSYCAT WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

Let me just say first - it's good to be back. I have been holding out in a rather dark and miserable place lately and let me say that you should be relieved that I haven't been writing. Very dark and not so pretty. Not even Edgar Allen Poe pretty.
The Raven had more light in it than anything I could have produced.

So now that I am living in the light again I can 'reflect' constructively on the past month and make it seem not so doom and gloom and find the aha in my time spent away...well let's just see okay...

So as you know about my finances...blah blah blah...I won't bore you with he recap like a cheesy sequel in a novel. If you are joining us mid-blog I suggest you read the last 2 blogs and you'll be up to speed. Well - since then I have been whirling down and down and down still struggling with the fact that I had to make some pretty serious decisions which have affected me not only financially but personally. It has also affected my feelings of self worth. I realize that I was being ridiculous and sulky but still, I am an emotional person and prone to these sorts of 'episodes' let's call them.

Anyway, I was feeling sorry for myself (I know Trish will like this one wink) and allowing myself to feel less than what I was. I was allowing my finances to dictate my value as a person. "How?" you say...well let me fill you in.

As most of you know I was po growing up (which is much worse than poor). High school was a myriad of dodging subjects such as television (we had a black and white with no cable so I missed out on all the cool shows), clothing (I shopped at the Salvation Army not Le Chateau), hair (I couldn't afford a decent haircut so I had my friend Roxanne cut it or I went to Poor Boys - that says it all right there), food (sometimes we didn't have any). The list goes on and on. As a result conversations could be somewhat limiting. So I spent a lot of time not speaking or socializing at all. Well this is just what happened as a result of the bankruptcy. I didn't want to answer questions about my business, where are my cars, where were we going on vacation, will my daughter be in competitive dance this year. It was all too daunting. I started to feel LESS of who I was because I had less - less clients, money and stuff.

I was starting to feel pretty shitty. I had no energy, I didn't want to speak to anyone, go outside, socialize - you get the picture. That was until yesterday.

I decided the best thing i could do was to get my priorities in order and start balancing out my life again. What was my big aha moment? The event that showed me the light and caused angels to sing? There wasn't one. It was a slow culmination of thoughts in my head. I began to realize that I was now allowing all of these negative thoughts to leak out in a not-so-pretty way. I was lashing out at my husband and kids, I was eating without regard to what I was putting in my mouth, I was barely keeping up with the housework, I was losing my gumption...something, frankly I just can't live without. It's like losing my 'Yvonne'. What am I without it but a shell of a person - a doormat - a bore.

So here I am again. Feeling the urge to purge and the need to sort out my life. I know I have said all of this before but I figure if addicts can relapse 2 or 3 times then so can I. The point is to never give up trying.

Let's consider today day 2 of being in emotional recovery. I am going to do my 12 steps towards personal redemption and forgiveness and work towards being free of the burdens that have prevented me from the life I could have. This my vow:

1. Forgive myself

2. Treat myself with the respect I deserve or no one else will

3. Feed my body with love.

4. Feed my body with healthy food.

5. Do not measure my self worth in terms of pounds or dollars.

6. Purge that which has no true value.

7. Embrace the good around me and remind myself every day of my good fortune.

8. Keep my mind sorted and don't get mired in the every day.

9. Balance my day. Don't be afraid of your inner Libra. It's what keeps you sane.

10. Be there for the ones you love both in body and mind. Listen and comfort without judgment.

11. Be there for yourself and do what you need to stay on the path.

12. Don't forget to live. Enjoy life and all that there is to offer. Walk in the woods, bike around town, swim, and don't worry about what everyone else thinks because it can steal your will.

I am so glad to be back. I cannot tell you how dark and lonely it has been but that doesn't matter. I am here again.

YOU'VE GOT A FRIEND IN ME

I have considered myself blessed over the past 2 years. I have made many friends whom I consider 'good' friends and I know how rare this is. Although I get along with most people I meet, few I choose to call good friends. Few are the people I would tell my secrets to. I reserve these things for people I know will suppport me in my time of need.

Not all of my friends have the same qualities either. Some are quiet and tolerant, others are forward and honest, others are easy going and even tempered. There are also a few traits that they all have in common.

A friend is supportive. I am not saying they stand idly by while you flush your life away or they see you in an abusive relationship and allow you to continue along that path. That is not what friendship is all about. It's not about blindly agreeing with you. It's about wanting what is best for you and supporting your decision to persue your dreams. It's about believing in you.

A friend does not judge your mistakes. Yes we all make them and we all see them but we have to understand and respect them. That is not to say we should just stand by and let each other fall when we see danger. I am always open for a friendly heads up. And even if you still fall your friend will reach out and give you a hand to pick yourself up.

A friend is there to listen. They are there to help you talk about life both good and bad. They listen and laugh and cry and hurt right along with you. They try to understand and even if they don't they are there for you.

Now having said all of that I have one question. Why is it that I cannot be all of these things for myself? Why can't I stop judging myself? Why can't I believ in myself? Why can't I want what is best for me? It's bizarre really when you think about it. I have such high expextations of those around me but not for myself. Typical isn't it?

So from now on I will resolve to believe in the best in me no matter what mistakes I make along the way. I will understand and listen to my own inner voice and not judge myself so harshly. If I should fail at whatever I attempt I will get up and try again and never give up trying. And if that doesn't work I will try something else. Never give up. Never surrender. After all, that's what my friends should expect from me as a friend. I should expect nothing less for myself.

DING DONG, THE WITCH IS DEAD

Well I am finally back. I have signed all the paperwork, surrendered our vehicles and ready to start again.

As you may or may not know my business took a hard hit due to many factors. Now It is day one and I am starting again. You may or may not be happy to know that I currently have enough work to pay the bills and put food on the table. We have also managed to scrounge together enough money to buy a decent used minivan. All in all I would say we are doing well.

I am particularly impressed by how little we managed to live on this month. We spent the lowest amount on groceries ever. We managed to buy a vehicle. Granted we had to let a few bills go late but this was on the recommendation of our trustee so that we would still have a decent vehicle for Kevin to commute to work with. The vegetable garden also helped us save money. A $60 overall investment has saved us $100 and we haven't even started picking tomatoes, melons or carrots. Yum! I can't wait.

Next it's time to look at what is on the horizon. There are several options I am considering in the future. We are considering designing children's toys, wooden furniture (putting Kevin's skills to work), working part time for a client, web design...I actually have a lot of options and for that I am extremely grateful.

But this time I am not going to rush into it. I want to make a decision that is right for me and my family. This time I want to feed my soul, not my debt.

Wish me luck and I will keep you posted! I am working in the garage with Kevin this weekend. He is teaching me to use the scroll saw. Hopefully I will still have all of my fingers so I can still type!

FALLING DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE

It's been about a month since my last blog and so much has changed.

As most of you know this year has been somewhat tumultuous in terms of my finances. This is a result of - let's face it - bad money management, increased debt, and decreased income from my business' perspective. So It would turn out that this was just the beginning of a journey that continues to test my resolve and cause me to question my future both financially and professionally.

Allow me to recap a bit of the year prior to June 16 - the day of my last blog...

For many years I have been living in a fog. There is really no other way to describe it. I have been mindlessly spending money and accumulating 'stuff' in an effort to fill a void. As a result, I now have loads of crap, mounds of debt, and, you guessed it, I still have the void.

On top this I have also gained copious amounts of weight in an effort to deal with the physical and emotional stress trying to 'stuff' the emotions caused by the void. Paired with my already wavering feelings of self-worth, well, this just spells disaster for my wallet and my waistline.

Up until June I was making efforts to keep my emotions in tact. I was blogging, cooking, socializing and otherwise pushing on. That was until the pressure caused me to break and I gave in. I stopped talking to anyone. I kept to myself. I stopped blogging and I collapsed.

At first I could deal with the financial problems we had in front of us. Yes it was bleak but I knew we could get by. We could manage. We discussed plans on how to tackle the debt and eventually get a handle on our finances. But it seemed that every time we thought we were on top of things something else popped up and we were back to square one.

Take our household bills for instance. The minute those were caught up we had to pay our credit card bills. I wouldn't get paid by clients on time and would have to wait an extra 30 DAYS for payment. Now we had to let the credit card bills slide until I got paid. Then we were a month behind. Pretty soon all of the bills were 30 days behind and it seemed we would never catch up. I had 1 good month this quarter but I have yet to be paid for it, so we are stuck waiting again.

So every night I spend tossing and turning. Some nights I wake up at 1 or 2 in the morning unable to fall back asleep because my brain would lock onto all of the bills that had to be paid and that was it - no sleep for me. I could account an entire month's worth of bills by memory - which is what I did...every night.

I was spending every waking moment thinking about bills. It was like a dream sequence. People would be talking to me and I would be thinking "If I don't pay my cell phone in 3 days, Rogers will cut it off". I felt terrible. Eventually there was no real point to talking to people at all. I could only focus on my bills.

As you can well imagine this financial fog did absolutely nothing for my need to diet and exercise. I had to cancel the gym because of money but to be absolutely truthful, my brain wouldn't let me even consider exercise. I could barely get through my day let alone do something good for myself. Some days I can barely get out of bed. I wake up feeling groggy and overwhelmed. I think there is no point in working any more because I never seem to get ahead.

So here we have it - it would seem I have hit bottom. But I was wrong. I still have a lot further down I can go.

It is July 8, 2010. We have our second meeting with Hoyes Michalos - Trustees in Bankruptcy. They also do something called a 'consumer proposal'. This is a proposal presented to your debtors in which you agree to pay back a percentage of your debt over the course of 5 years. The debtors are given the opportunity to 'vote' on the proposal and from there they decide whether or not you will A) pay the debt at the rate agreed B) reject the proposal and force you to submit another one at a higher payment option or C) go bankrupt.

Kevin and I had discussed both of these options before and we felt that a consumer proposal was in our best interest. That was until July 8,2010.

Just a few days prior to this I had been speaking to a friend of mine who works for my #1 client. She and some other people were concerned that something suspicious was going on in the office. We discussed that there was a chance the business was going to be sold. Well, this was the last straw for me. Between the sleepless nights, the stress and the pressure that was continually building in my life, I knew that if my client was to back out my business was going to slowly sink.

So now I am in an absolute panic. I am fucked. Sorry there is just no other way to say it. I know that this is it for me. There is no getting 'back on track'. Now it's just a matter of surviving.

When we sit down with one of the partners at Hoyes Micholas we lay out our debt and our options. Kevin's proposal looked feasible but mine was not looking very promising. By this time I had had enough. I was exhausted and frankly, I was beaten. I was done. I looked at the man sitting across from me at the desk and replied "I just want this over." I am filing for bankruptcy."

I couldn't believe what I was saying. It was like I just told the world "I failed!!!" I felt guilty about not being able to pay back my debt. I felt irresponsible for letting it get this bad. But most of all I felt ashamed.

As I left the office I quickly scanned the waiting room hoping that no one had heard what I had said. Most importantly, I wanted to make sure I didn't know anyone because at this point I could barely choke back the tears.

I slid into the van (that would have to give back to the bank) and we drove home.

For a few days I was able to let my financial issues go. I was able to go on with the day and focus on my family and my job but I still couldn't sleep. Yes I felt horrible about my decision but I knew it was the right thing to do. Plus there was still more to do to finish what we started.

I won't go into boring details about what is involved in going bankrupt but needless to say it kept me busy for serveral weeks and kept me up at night wondering when it would all be over.

In the meantime I received a call from my friend at my #1 client's office - July 12 - only 4 days after my meeting. She told me that she came to the office and they had fired EVERYONE but her and one other person. She wanted to give me the heads up. They were getting out of the digital signage industry because they too had been struggling for the past 2 years and could no longer continue in this business.

I didn't know what to think. I was sad for the people who lost their jobs but in an odd way I was relieved for myself. My decision to go bankrupt was the best route to take because without this client I would be losing 50% of my business. This loss coupled with the 25% loss I had already suffered this year there was no way I could survive.

So now I am at a crossroads. Do I continue to do what I do and try to find more clients? Should I pack in my business and get a job at a design house? Do I start a new career? Do I start doing more web design? Or maybe I just work at the local video store and stay home with the kids? I just don't know.


At this point I have a lot of thinking to do but first I need to get my life back. I need to sleep, socialize focus on some positive things. I still feel as though I am lingering in a fog but it's one of sleeplessness and stress. I don't feel like I can make good decisions when my mind and body are in such an unhealthy place.

So I am going to continue to work at my business for the rest of the summer for as much money as that makes me. Plus I have the kids home so I have them to look after as well. And despite all this we still get to keep the house so I still have that to look after (thank goodness).

On Monday I sign the papers for my bankruptcy. We return both of our vehicles to the bank and I declare that I am a financial ruin. In some ways I suppose I am admitting defeat but in other ways I am fortunate. Although my credit has been destroyed I kind of see this as a chance to start again. To start from scratch and hopefully, this time, get it right.

From here I don't know what will happen...I just know that I have to start making decisions that are right for me and my family. Because in reality, falling down the rabbit hole is not very much fun. It is dark and lonely and it seems like it will never end. And when you finally reach the bottom you are beaten and bruised, tire and confused and you just want to find a way out. It's never as simple as eating cake or drinking the potion. You have to find balance and hopefully, eventually you will get through the door that leads to the adventure that is your life.

COME OUT, COME OUT, WHEREVER YOU ARE!

I know it has been a long time since I have written. When I am embroiled in the strife and stress of life I tend to retreat and live inside my head. That was the entire reason I started this blog was to avoid this habit but as you can see I have been led astray by my own thoughts.

I have been pondering my future as of late. Trying to digest the ups and downs of finances, expanding my mind with further training and all the while attempting to balance my daily life - but I have been feeling less than inspired lately. This is not to say I am at a dead end or I 'cannot go on'. Frankly I don't know the meaning of the phrase...I am very stubborn (AKA tenacious). Lately I am just feeling a bit blah.

I am going to be very frank with you right now. I often battle depression. There it is - in all of its ugliness and controversy. As much as I would love to deny this fact, and as much as I try to hide it, this is the truth. And depression can be very debilitating in the best of times. Even now I am finding it difficult to fight the waves of emotion, the pit in my stomach and continue to write.

Sometimes there is no rhyme or reason to my bouts of the blues. They can come with the seasons or they can be a precursor to my period. I don't know if I have Seasonal Affective Disorder, PMDD, the blues, menopause or if I am just plain depressed. Whatever it is, the feelings come over me like a wave and I struggle to keep my head above water.

There have been a few times that I have been on Prozak but I DO NOT like myself when I am on it. I feel like a Stepford wife. When I am on meds you could shit in my living room and I would not even blink. I would simply retrieve the cleaning supplies and clean up the mess. If you know me and my personality you know that this would not be my natural reaction. Perhaps I could try a different medication but I am afraid this will happen to me again. Plus, I am not ALWAYS depressed. I have bouts of it. I don't want to be in a permanent haze just to avoid another bout - that just seems wrong somehow.

I think it's safe to say I am a very emotional person but this is not always a bad thing. This is what makes me sensitive to other people. It allows me to feel what they feel, to understand when they are experiencing their own difficulties. It also makes me better at my job. The art of advertising can easily be boiled down to the art of understanding emotions. Selling is understanding your audience. Understanding your audience is feeling what they feel. It's an ALMOST perfect fit.

On the flip side my emotions can make getting through each day a struggle. Sometimes I lose interest. I drift. I daydream. I become fixated on things that are of no real consequence. This is what I fight. And it is on those days I struggle to get through the day, put on a happy face, socialize, work, parent.

So now you know where I have been. I wish I hadn't been away so long but sometimes I struggle to talk or write because I don't always like to talk about my feelings. It's been my experience over the years that this topic makes people uncomfortable.
Hopefully reading this blog won't change your opinion of me but instead help to understand that when I seem far away and distant, I am not being rude, I am not angry at you, I am just treading water and trying hard to breathe.

Thanks to Sue for posting on my wall. That simple act gave me the inspiration to write again. And thanks for listening....and I'll try not to be so quiet for so long again.

THE SILVER SCREEN VS THE MIGHTY MACHINE

I watch a lot of movies. In most of them there is a series of events which culminate in a self realization which is preceded by a tragedy, or a test of moral fiber. Most times our lead character is triumphant in the end. Everything is tied up nice and neat and the people smile and ride off into the sunset. We see these movies and assume that all of this is just a fairy tale and none of this can happen to us in reality. Maybe this is true or maybe not. OR maybe we spend our lives trying to avoid the tragedy or the self realization or the conflict that allows us to have our aha moment.

One of my favourite plot lines is when the 'workaholic' dad or mom spends so much time at work they never see their kids. They don't know what is going on with their lives and have completely lost touch with their family. They spend every waking moment doing what the boss wants to 'get ahead' in the corporate world. Until that one fateful day when he misses a deadline and the boss fires him without a second thought. It's in that moment he realizes the 'value' he held at the company verses the value he has at home. He delivers a rather colourful monologue to his boss and goes home to play ball with his kids.

Sometimes OUR moments are not that extreme. Maybe it's the school play we missed every year because we work long hours. Maybe it's the meals that are eaten on the road because it's the only time we have. Or maybe it's the homework that doesn't get done because we don't have time to help. These are all moments that have consequences. We disappoint our children, our loved ones, our family and OURSELVES. These are the moments that should help us realize what is important in our lives.

I have heard the new generation referred to as self-entitled. They walk out of school and expect to be making the same money as the rest of us poor schleps without putting in the hours. That may be so but there is one thing they do have right. When the clock strikes 5pm they are done. It's time to live your life. Yet for some reason we as a working society frown on this notion. To be truthful I think they have it right.

There are many European cultures that DO NOT speak of work outside of work. They understand the idea of a balanced lifestyle. They do their hours in the office then they come home and live their lives. In other words they work to live - they do not live to work. Why does this seem to be a fantasy in our North American culture?

I know some of the arguments in favour of longer hours will revolve around commerce and 'the machine' but did you ever stop to wonder who benefits? And just how much MONEY does that machine need to make. We live in a society that sees the opportunity for the slice of the pie. We want it all and we want it bigger and bigger and bigger. We seem so focused on MORE we have lost sight of BETTER.

We talk about quality of life in this country but we really have no idea what it means. Quality of life isn't how big your SUV is or how beautiful home is. Quality of life is how your life is lived. It is the time you spend with people who love you and care about you. It is appreciating what you have as apposed to coveting what you don't. It's about the life you are sharing both yours with others and others with you.

So the next time you watch a movie try to imagine yourself in the leading role. Try to imagine what you would choose to do in that moment of crisis. What if you get fired tomorrow. What if you lose everything in the stock market. What if you have nothing but the clothes on your back. It's in this moment that we realize it's the relationships with others that sustains us. THEY give us the strength to move forward. For regardless of what tragedy is on the horizon for your leading lady, the people you love will be there to throw you a rope and pull you through.