YOU'RE GOOD ENOUGH, YOU'RE SMART ENOUGH, AND GOSH DARN IT, PEOPLE LIKE YOU

I started reading a new book last night. "Women, Food and God". I had a good friend recommend it to me. When I went to find it and discovered that it was $28 to purchase it at Coles..well that put me off  of it for a while. Not to mention the use of the word God in the title. That will scare most of us 'spiritual' types away everytime. I imagined it was going to be yet another journey to find the one true higher power. A concept I whole heartedly do not believe in.

So a few days ago I found my self at the wal (AKA Wal-Mart) where my eldest daughter was on a search for the next Vampire Diaries novel. And there the book was again. Staring me in the face saying "well I am 30% off here. Are you going to read me or not?" I decided to take my meager allowance and splurge on my first hardcover book since the Twilight series. As a reward for my troubles I found at the cash register the book was actually half price. Bravo you bargain diva!

So I took the book home and placed it on my nightstand to read before I went to bed. For the entire evening I thought "I need to get up there and start reading so I can start healing myself and get on with my life." So by 9pm I was in my jammies and snuggled up with my new book and within a few pages I realized that it was not what  I had been expecting.

Right away the author explains that this book is about our 'divine' relationship with food. She uses the term God because it is one that is universally recognized as a 'higher power' but not THE higher power. Phew. What a relief. I can read on. She also goes on to discuss food and diet and our need to 'fix' ourselves through whatever means but usually  along the route of weight loss. She also talks about always rushing to get to the next thing. I am doing it right now. I am rushing my description of the book so I can get to the next paragraph. Even as I make a lasagna I am rushing the cooking of the meat so I can move on the the layering and then the cooking and then, of course the eating. Rush. Rush. Rush.

It's in that chapter that I realize part of my problem. I have never lived in the moment. I have never stopped to enjoy the hear and now. I am always working my way to the next goal. I can remember rushing projects in school because I became anxious about missing the deadline. I remember feeling resentful towards people who handed everyting in late but stil got better grades. Lets face it. It's because they took their time. I was so consumed by the deadline I didn't put the time into the project and given it 100% of myself.

As I child I was always worried about being late. I was like the white rabbit running around checking my watch constantly but never seeming to arrive anywhere. Off to school! Don't be late! You have an appointment don't be late! Let's do lunch! Don't be late! The problem with obsessing with my potential tardiness has led me to being excessively early to everything. I am always early for appointments, meetings, dinner. Once I have arrived at my desitnation I spend those extra 10 or 15 minutes contemplated whether the person I am meeting will be late too. It seems no one is safe from my obsessing.

So here I am peering at this book wondering "Is it really that simple?" Do I just LET GO and be free and stop obsessing? Do I just learn to love myself and everything will be fine? Probably not but I will say one thing. It is one hell of a place to start.

Imagine if everyday you looked in the mirror and instead of seeing all that you perceive to be wrong with you physically and instead you saw all of the beauty your love ones and friends see.

 I remember one day in science class my teacher brought in one those mirrors that lets you see yourself as other see you. Normal mirrors reverse what is actually there whereas this mirror reversed it again so that you could see your actual likeness. I could not believe how different I looked through that mirror. Most of our perceptions of ourselves are equally as distorted. We judge what we see. We concentrate on what we perceive as broken. Imagine seeing past the celulite and the saddle bags and the beginnings of crows feet. Imagine having the ability to peer deep insider yourself and recognize and appreciate the person you are without all of that emotional baggage that has manifested from an unhealthy body image. Imagine how free and liberated you would be if you could see that you don't need to fix you because you are not broken.

I spoke to a good friend today about another one of my obsessive behaviours. You see I have never considered myself to be a particlularly nice person. I am always concerned that I haven't been as tolerant or as forgiving as I should be. Once again I have found something else to fix. But I have come to realize that I will never be a saint but I am certainly no devil either. I am realizing that I can be kind but not allow myself to be taken advantage of either. I can assert myself in other ways.

All this enlightenment. All this realization and I am only 100 pages in! Normally I would try to anticipate 'What's next! What's next!'. Instead I am going to work on what it in front of me now. I have made some intense realizations about myself. Whether or not they all stem back to my relationship with food remains to be seen but I have an inkling they will. But that is not for me to speculate about now. Now I am going enjoy the quiet of my home. I am going to enjoy the smell of the beef as it simmers on the stove. I am going to listen to the bird that is singing in outside my window. And somewhere, deep inside myself, I will try to find the serenity to not kill the fly that continues to buzz around my head and drive me crazy! Hey, even Gandhi would be rolling up the newspaper right now...or would he...either way he can decide for himself and so can I.