DIETING IS DIE WITH A 'T'

Since I was a young girl I loved Garfield. He was fat and furry, he loved lasagna and did very little physical activity. I could relate to him. One of my favourite images of garfield was on a sticker I received when I was 8 years old. It said 'Dieting is Die with a 'T'. That just about said it all for me. I had always considered healthy eating as a form of diet. I know what the word diet means to me so now I have to stop mentally associating dieting with healthy eating.

Dieting is a way of denying yourself and lord knows I don't like to be told I can't have something. So why would I practice self-torture for all these years? Truthfully the only 'weight loss program' that has truly been successful for me has been Weight Watchers. This program allows you to count points which means you can still choose to eat the sugary fatty foods but you won't be able to have much else and in the end you will still be hungry. So you are left to be accountable for your decisions and will ultimately pay the price in the form of hunger for selecting food that is bad for you.

The bad news is now I can't even follow Weight Watchers. I am finding it more and more difficult to lose the weight which means I really HAVE to stop eating the fat and the sweets or I will never succeed. I am my own worst enemy when it comes to sweets. If given the choice between a donut and a healthy balanced meal I would choose the donut.

Another issue I have is 'scale jumping'. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the term it refers to weighing yourself several times a day. This helps some people stay on track but for me - not so much. If the number shows any sort of gain I become discouraged and mentally start to abandon ship. If the number shows a loss - well that's permission to have a treat. 'Wow I have been so good I have lost 3 pounds! So this chocolate bar shouldn't make a difference - right?' Wrong! Oh so wrong!!!

I also have an issue with giving myself unreasonable goals. When I am laying out my game plan to lose weight I usually tell myself 'in x number of months I can lose all the weight no problem'. The problem is that I become discouraged if I don't lose exactly the weight I told myself I would lose in the specified timeframe and punish myself emotionally...

'You have no committment, You can't even stick to a diet' (see there's that word again)...blah...blah...blah.

...which in turn can and will lead to emotional eating. This in sabotages my weight loss goals and leaves me further behind than I started. Now I feel guilty about not losing the weight as quickly as I would have liked AND I fall off the wagon entirely.

Comparing myself to others is a big issue with me. Recently a friend lost 100 pounds in a year (yeah Trish)! I am extremely proud of my friend and think to myself 'if she can do it I can do it'. I need to stop thinking that way because I know this is just my way of setting up an excuse to fail at a later date. I need to understand that everyone's journey is different and yes, I too can lose the weight but my timeline might be different. If I don't change my way of thinking, in 6 months I will find myself punishing myself AGAIN for not being halfway to my goal.

So what I have I learned?

1. Don't use the word diet.

2. Don't let the number on the scale dictate failure or success.

3. Don't set unreasonable goals. I will lose the weight and I will not give up REGARDLESS of how long it takes.

4. Celebrate other's success but do not let it dictate your own. Even if we are on the same journey we don't always experience it in the same way.

5. Stop punishing yourself when you slip. Accept your mistake and move on. One jelly donut does not a dozen make...if you get my meaning.

6. Forgive yourself your edible indiscretions.

7. Love yourself even if you fail.

I know you are thinking 'You are having bypass surgery. Why does any of this matter?' My addiction to food will still be there after the surgery. My self-defeating attitude will still be there. My inner critic will still be there. Unless I deal with it now and recognize it when it is happening I could end up back where I started in 5 years. Loads of people gain the weight back after surgery because they still have these issues. So you could say I am planning ahead. I am determined to succeed with or without surgery. Whatever path I take will lead to my ultimate goal - to have a healthier attitude about food and to love myself inside first, because if I don't I will never love the outside no matter how small OR big it is.

SNIP, SNIP, SNIP...DONE!

I was at my daughter's dance competition yesterday and I couldn't help but notice how many of the moms looked like former dancers themselves. Tall and slender, poised and graceful - the sight was quite intimidating. At one point I took my youngest daughter to the washroom where I caught a glimpse of myself in a full length mirror. What was I in my youth? A sumo wrestler? A food tester? I hate full length mirrors.

For the billionth time I am considering gastric bypass surgery. Whenever I find myself in these situations where I am the fattest person in the room I think about the surgery. If you are not familiar with this procedure I have included a link with the definition http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gastric_bypass_surgery I had always considered this option the last resort but at this point I think it's my only hope.

I always say I started gaining weight when I was pregnant with my first child but if I am honest with myself it was before I got married. Whenever I am in a relationship I stop looking after myself. When I met Kevin I used to eat right and swim every day. I was extremely fit. When we started spending more time together I spent less time on myself. I stopped swimming or exercising of any kind. We ate out a lot which involved fast food. We enjoyed talking, laughing and eating.

By the time we were married I had gained 40 pounds and that wasn't the end of it. Child #1 - 40 pounds, quit smoking - 40 pounds, child #2 - another 40 pounds. In case you are not counting I am now up by 160 pounds. I dieted throughout this time as well. Since I was married I have lost AND gained around 80 pounds. It seems no matter how much weight I lose I always seem to find it again. To add insult to injury I find a little bit more than I lost. When I do lose weight it is less and less of a loss yet more and more difficult to lose.

Although the visual impact of the extra pounds is one reason to want the surgery it's really the physical and emotional impact the weight has had on my life that truly motivates me to move in this direction. If I climb more than 2 flights of stairs I am winded and my knees hurt. I have sleep apnea which is because of the extra fat around my neck and I can't run unless I want to blow out a knee.

There are a lot of leisure activities I can't do anymore that I used to love. I cannot ride a roller coaster because I am afraid they will tell me I am too fat and turn me away. I wouldn't dream of riding a horse and punish the poor animal with my mass. I am fearful of flying because I don't want to go through what Kevin Smith recently experienced and be ejected from the plane for being too fat. Recently a friend and I were discussing this very thing. We often begin a thought or a sentence with 'when I lose weight I will...' I don't want to live the rest of my life in constant conflict with my own body. I want to do all of these things without my weight being the issue for why I cannot.

And so I am going to ask my doctor to submit my application for gastric bypass surgery (it has to be approved by Ontario Health). I have discussed it with him before but I have always secretly held out hope that I would win the battle of the bulge. But here I am years later and I am at my highest weight ever. I know there are some serious risks involved but I want to start living my life instead making excuses. My entire family is at a loss because of this and I don't think any of us deserve to be punished any longer.