I was at my daughter's dance competition yesterday and I couldn't help but notice how many of the moms looked like former dancers themselves. Tall and slender, poised and graceful - the sight was quite intimidating. At one point I took my youngest daughter to the washroom where I caught a glimpse of myself in a full length mirror. What was I in my youth? A sumo wrestler? A food tester? I hate full length mirrors.
For the billionth time I am considering gastric bypass surgery. Whenever I find myself in these situations where I am the fattest person in the room I think about the surgery. If you are not familiar with this procedure I have included a link with the definition http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gastric_bypass_surgery I had always considered this option the last resort but at this point I think it's my only hope.
I always say I started gaining weight when I was pregnant with my first child but if I am honest with myself it was before I got married. Whenever I am in a relationship I stop looking after myself. When I met Kevin I used to eat right and swim every day. I was extremely fit. When we started spending more time together I spent less time on myself. I stopped swimming or exercising of any kind. We ate out a lot which involved fast food. We enjoyed talking, laughing and eating.
By the time we were married I had gained 40 pounds and that wasn't the end of it. Child #1 - 40 pounds, quit smoking - 40 pounds, child #2 - another 40 pounds. In case you are not counting I am now up by 160 pounds. I dieted throughout this time as well. Since I was married I have lost AND gained around 80 pounds. It seems no matter how much weight I lose I always seem to find it again. To add insult to injury I find a little bit more than I lost. When I do lose weight it is less and less of a loss yet more and more difficult to lose.
Although the visual impact of the extra pounds is one reason to want the surgery it's really the physical and emotional impact the weight has had on my life that truly motivates me to move in this direction. If I climb more than 2 flights of stairs I am winded and my knees hurt. I have sleep apnea which is because of the extra fat around my neck and I can't run unless I want to blow out a knee.
There are a lot of leisure activities I can't do anymore that I used to love. I cannot ride a roller coaster because I am afraid they will tell me I am too fat and turn me away. I wouldn't dream of riding a horse and punish the poor animal with my mass. I am fearful of flying because I don't want to go through what Kevin Smith recently experienced and be ejected from the plane for being too fat. Recently a friend and I were discussing this very thing. We often begin a thought or a sentence with 'when I lose weight I will...' I don't want to live the rest of my life in constant conflict with my own body. I want to do all of these things without my weight being the issue for why I cannot.
And so I am going to ask my doctor to submit my application for gastric bypass surgery (it has to be approved by Ontario Health). I have discussed it with him before but I have always secretly held out hope that I would win the battle of the bulge. But here I am years later and I am at my highest weight ever. I know there are some serious risks involved but I want to start living my life instead making excuses. My entire family is at a loss because of this and I don't think any of us deserve to be punished any longer.
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