FEEDING MY SPIRIT

I would like to thank my friend Trish for dedictating her blog to me and all of my questions yesterday. Your honesty has helped me realize that I too am a food addict.

I don't find it difficult to admit to being a food addict. I have dealt with addictions all my life. What hurt most is that I knew I was just wallowing in self-pity. That was a hard pill to swallow. To realize that all of this talk about my past and my hurts and failures was my way of making excuses for what I was doing to myself here and now.

Now I have to go beyond the past and start living in the present. I have to learn to identify my emotional triggers and allow myself to feel. For years I have been avoiding my emotions rather than letting them be what they are. To truly feel angry or sad or confused or helpless - I didn't think I was allowed to feel this way. I have always thought that my emotions had to be under control at all times. I didn't know how to be angry and express it in a healthy way without hurting people around me. I still have to find a way to do that. I know that when I am sad I eat or I drink wine but I really just need to FEEL IT. I need to identify that lump in my throat or the weight in my stomach or the welling of tears in my eyes and just let them be the physical feelings they are. I need to give myself permission to be okay with my fear. I don't like to fear even the simplest thing like leaving the house because I might see someone I know. I need to stop overthinking it and just do it...that's why I am going for a walk RIGHT NOW!

1 hour later

I am back. Even something as simple as writing this blog gives me the permission to avoid getting exercise. I went for a long walk and I feel so much better. I have come to somewhat of a resolution as to how I am going to manage my addiction. It's really just a bit of a guideline but I think it may help.

First I will identify the feelings I am feeling when I get the urge to open the fridge door. Even if I don't always grab food its the emotions that drove me there in the first place. I need to identify what it is and the physical sensations that are related to it.

I also need to identify what I am feeling when I do eat simply because I cannot avoid it entirely - my body needs it to survive. My trouble is that I don't know the difference between being too full and just satisfied. I need to enjoy everything about the food and how it tastes, the textures, even how it was prepared. I aslo need to avoid the trigger foods that cause me to 'over indulge'. Chocolate is my big love/struggle/drawback to healthy eating. Whenever I eat chocolate I just keep going until I am stuffed, my teeth have a furry coating and I feel incredible guilt over eating it.

I have the same issues with possessions that I do with food. I would love to just get rid of it all and start over again. I know now that the only feeling these things bring for me is guilt for spending the money and anxiety when dealing with the debt load they have created. If I am going to truly conquer my debt I need to put my finger on how I got here in the first place. I need to start identifying why I think I NEED to have 15 collectible dragons or dozens of DVDs or even a house with more rooms than I really use. Why do I think that having all of these things will fill me up?

I also need to start planning for the life I really want. Do I want to be a self-employed designer or do I want to be a bus driver? I have no idea. I know that I am doing what I am doing now just to pay for the life I thought I wanted. What I really want is peace and love. I know this sounds corny but when I boil it down these 2 words are all that I really need. Inner Peace and love - for myself, my family and my friends.