IF I LIVED IN MIDDLE EARTH I WOULD BE A HOBBIT

I spent today watching all 3 Lord of the Rings movies with my good friend Tracy. I take great pleasure in my geeky pursuits but they are always improved if I have an active participant in my folly so for this I thank you Tracy.

At one point during the first film I turned to Tracy and said, "If I was any race in this film I would be a hobbit. They love to eat, drink beer and live fairly simple quiet lives".

I also see a some dwarf-isms in my life. I sometimes find myself toiling for untold riches in the dark chasm I call my basement. Then there are the power-hungry men. There have been many days that my desire for more has corrupted me although I never accepted a ring from a dark lord thinking it would give me 'ultimate power'. Still I have been known to be swayed by the power of the Jones' and the need to keep up with them. If I hadn't I would not be 'sloughing my financial stress' as it were.

Then there are the elves. A graceful and ethereal race of people that seem to connect with the world around them on a spiritual level. They transcend the physical world and seem to live on a different enlightened plane. I secretly want to be an elf. I would love to remain serene and elegant in every situation. If I lived in Rivendell. I would probably fall off the cliff at some point. I am quite sure I would cut myself at least once a day on all of the carved walls and furniture and I am positive I would break something of value regularly.

In a weird sort of way watching these movies remind me about what is important in life and the person I really want to be. The good people of middle earth do not concern themselves with riches and when they do, they fall into darkness. They stand up for what is right and do not waiver in the face of defeat. This story teaches us that the friendships we are blessed with give us strength, supporting one another in our time of need show our honour, believing in our family and friends demonstrates our loyalty and coming together as a community keeps us strong. So what does this teach me?

I have found that over the years I have lost my way to the person I truly wish to be. I have also forgotten how to truly be happy. I have amassed large debt to acquire 'things'. These things did not make me happy but when i saw them I felt like I MUST have them. I don't know where these feelings come from or why I thought this would make me happy. In the end I was only left with feelings guilt for buying them and more debt. What a bad dwarf I have been.

I know that some days I have this emptiness. I can't describe it other than just a need that i cannot seem to fill. I have tried filling it with stuff, food, hobbies but nothing seems to work. So I am going to begin to explore why I feel this void in my life and how I should be filling it. Maybe it's that I lack purpose or structure. Perhaps I need more dicipline and self-control. Or maybe I just need to face down the fiery Balrog inside me whatever that may be.

So this is my quest - to look deep inside of myself and discover who I really am and what I want for my life - not for my kids or my husband but for me. To forget about what others think of what I am doing and just try to find that inner elvish peace. Then maybe I can go on to be happy. Then maybe I will have found purpose and the emptiness will vanish and I will no longer feel the need to fill that void. For it will be filled with joy and nothing else.