Don't Tread On Me

When I was in high school I was different. I was not as confident or as kind but I was also much more assertive and I always stood up for myself and others. I didn't take much crap from anyone. Over the years I have mellowed considerably but I am not sure it was in my best interest. Now I have gone so far in the other direction i have become somewhat of a doormat.

There have been some advantages to being a kinder gentler Yvonne. I find socializing much easier. I can get along with most people because they perceive me as positive and upbeat. My social life has become somewhat easier. When I meet people I always give them the best of me. I am positive, I inquire about them, I try to find a common interest. But I don't stop there. I continue any and all conversations in a vein that I perceive as one that will please the other person. In other words I am a chameleon. I become whatever it is that the other person needs in order for him or her to like me. 

For years I thought this is what was required of me in order to 1. obtain friendship and 2. obtain success. Any self aware existentialist will tell you that this is not true in the case of friendship although from a professional standpoint that it is definitely true in terms of business relationships and success. So now I can deduce that...

BECOMING SOMEONE ELSE TO PLEASE OTHERS DOES NOT CREATE OR MAINTAIN A HEALTHY FRIENDSHIP

Seems pretty obvious doesn't it. You shouldn't have to pretend you are someone else to be friends with someone. But sometimes we have to be a 'watered down' version of ourselves in order to keep the peace. EXAMPLE: On the street where i used to live the women all talked about clothes, their kids new toys, what was on sale at the grocery store...you get the picture. I don't really care about any of those topics. I wanted to talk about relative issues. I wanted to talk about what's going on in the world. I wanted to discover enlightenment and become a better person. But these people would have none of it. If I brought up a topic that was not in their repertoire they would immediately interrupt me and change the subject. In the 6 years I lived on that street I soon learned to smile and keep my mouth shut if I was to be accepted as 'one of the girls'.

Soon I found myself miserable. I had become someone I no longer recognized. It was then that I realized it was time to move on. I wanted to come home. Back to Brantford. Back to the city I grew up in where people understood me and I didn't have to pretend anymore. Back to my family and friends.

So now I am back and feeling more myself except for one small detail. I still have not found my voice.

For whatever reason I still cannot say NO. I remember seeing a therapist or some other expert on Oprah. He said 'when you say no to others you say YES to yourself'. It's such a simple concept. When I heard that I thought GENIUS! I should be doing that. But am I? Uh...no. And why you ask. Because I am a people pleaser.

I don't like to say no to people because I don't want to disappoint them. The problem is now I am expected to always say yes. I am not blaming anyone for this. Yes for a while there I felt I was being taken advantage of. I was angry at those who had 'done me ill' but after a few weeks of stewing and festering over it I realized it wasn't other people at fault. It was me. I was the one who let it go on. I was the one who allowed it to happen. I had in fact turned myself in to the preverbal doormat.

I may not be reducing myself so that others will like me but I am still not standing up for my own rights. I still have not found the balance of what is good for me even in the simplest situations. Saying no sometimes is what is good for me but for some reason the need to please others trumps my own needs. There are days when I am just having a bad day and I don't want to see ANYONE. Yet on that same day, if someone asked me to  babysit their children I would say yes because I didn't want to disappoint the parents or the child. I would spend the entire time while babysitting doing crafts, smiling, feeding and entertaining everyone but on the inside I wanted to cry. I would deny my own needs in order to fulfill others needs.

So now I am trying to assert myself and my rights. I am saying no. I am learning to say 'that is not okay'. I am taking back what is mine. I may not be doing it very gracefully right now but this is new territory for me. So if you find me somewhat abrasive and abrupt please don't take it personally. I am trying to find my voice. It may come out as a roar at first but I am working on a strong confident resounding assertiveness. I am looking for the balance between the bull headed teenager I once was and the mature woman I am now. I am hoping that when the two finally do meet they will be able to become one strong, confident person and accept one another as she is.