DIARY OF A WIMPY MIDDLE-AGE SUBURBAN HOUSEWIFE

I've been considering this blog for quite some time now. You see my girls have both had their experiences with bullies over the past year. I have had friends whose children have had the same problem.

When I first heard my youngest daughter was being bullied on the bus I wanted to smack the kid that was doing it. I know this is wrong and I have since changed my perspective but my first instinct is to physically protect my child. You see the boy that was bullying my then 4 year old child was 9 years old. He made a rhyme saying he was going to 'put a gun to her head, pull the trigger and  she's dead'.

The most perplexing aspect of this case of bullying is that the boy is our neighbour. Prior to this we had had him over to swim and roast marshmallows. I invited him into our home and he managed to charm us all. Then, when I heard what he said to my youngest child I was devastated. I felt betrayed but most of all I was frightened by the level of cunning displayed by a boy so young. I couldn't help but think about incidents like Columbine. No one suspected those boys were capable of committing such atrocities. This may seem far fetched for me to be considering now but imagine if the someone had thought the same thing before those boys shot all of those poor innocent children. It may have been prevented.

It's this sort of thing that stokes the fire in my belly and causes me to seethe with anger. I want the kid to be punished. Someone needs to pay. My children should not have to tolerate this abuse and I sure as hell am not going to allow this to happen...BUT it's not always that simple.

In the case of my 5 year old - now that I have had time to digest it and get to know the boy I can honestly say I don't think he understood the gravity of what he was saying. Plus I think he was being pressured by other boys on the bus. My daughter wanted to sit with the boy and paid him a lot of attention. As a result some of the other boys started making fun of him. To protect his own ego he started making fun of my daughter. Although he should not have done that regardless there was a reason for what he was saying. I am trying to understand his position more but still - if he was my son there would be some serious consequences for what he did. As it is, he did not recieve any punishment besides a talking to and a call home.

Now this year my eldest daughter was being made fun of and once again we knew the person. Because they are friends of ours I won't go into details but suffice it to say, once again, I was furious. I wanted to step in and protect my child. Especially when my daughter is BEGGING me to step in. She is also having nightmares. So I do the only thing I can do - I talk to the teacher and the child's mother.

At this time I believe the situation with my eldest daughter has been resolved but I still worry. I don't want her to feel centred out by others. I don't want other kids to laugh at her. Especially when frankly I don't see anything to laugh at. My daughter is beautiful and brilliant and kind. The only reason for the bullying that I can think of is jealousy. Often when people are trying to make others feel bad it is in a twisted attempt to make them feel better about themselves. It's also deflecting and it happens quite a bit with children (and adults that never truly grow up).

The hardest pill to swallow is the advice that I am forced to give my children. I tell them to ignore it. To turn the other cheek and be the bigger person but how can I ask them to do something I could not do myself. You see I myself was bullied when I was a child. Boys from my school would follow me home and call me fat. I retaliated by saying something to this day I feel terrible about. I also had to pretend I was okay when I got home so my father wouldn't go off the deep end and go run the boys down with our car. I suppose that is why I am telling my children to do just the opposite of what I did. I don't want them to regret hurting someone else's feelings. I also don't want them to think that bullying back will solve anything. I know I am telling them the right thing to do but when I remember how hard it was to be a kid being bullied I wonder if I am giving them the right advice. How can you explain to a playground full of 10 year old boys and girls that YOU are taking the moral high ground and that in 10 years everyone will realize that you are doing the right thing. PLEASE! In 10 years there is a good chance most of those kids will STILL be bullies they'll just be bigger, older and better at it.

So here I am - a wimpy middle-aged suburban  housewife doling out advice to my kids like fortune cookies but not able to really help them. I feel let down by the system and societies rules and niceties. We are not permitted to defend our children. We aren't even supposed to tell them to defend themselves. The problem with this theory is that there are more bullies out there and we are continuing to teach our children to be victims. Be brave. Stiff upper lip. Turn the other cheek. What we are really telling them is " Just try to take as much as you can without letting it destroy your self image or ruin your childhood until the adult world can get their heads out of their asses and deal with these bullies, and their parents, because the parents are the REAL problem'.