PUSSYCAT, PUSSYCAT WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

Let me just say first - it's good to be back. I have been holding out in a rather dark and miserable place lately and let me say that you should be relieved that I haven't been writing. Very dark and not so pretty. Not even Edgar Allen Poe pretty.
The Raven had more light in it than anything I could have produced.

So now that I am living in the light again I can 'reflect' constructively on the past month and make it seem not so doom and gloom and find the aha in my time spent away...well let's just see okay...

So as you know about my finances...blah blah blah...I won't bore you with he recap like a cheesy sequel in a novel. If you are joining us mid-blog I suggest you read the last 2 blogs and you'll be up to speed. Well - since then I have been whirling down and down and down still struggling with the fact that I had to make some pretty serious decisions which have affected me not only financially but personally. It has also affected my feelings of self worth. I realize that I was being ridiculous and sulky but still, I am an emotional person and prone to these sorts of 'episodes' let's call them.

Anyway, I was feeling sorry for myself (I know Trish will like this one wink) and allowing myself to feel less than what I was. I was allowing my finances to dictate my value as a person. "How?" you say...well let me fill you in.

As most of you know I was po growing up (which is much worse than poor). High school was a myriad of dodging subjects such as television (we had a black and white with no cable so I missed out on all the cool shows), clothing (I shopped at the Salvation Army not Le Chateau), hair (I couldn't afford a decent haircut so I had my friend Roxanne cut it or I went to Poor Boys - that says it all right there), food (sometimes we didn't have any). The list goes on and on. As a result conversations could be somewhat limiting. So I spent a lot of time not speaking or socializing at all. Well this is just what happened as a result of the bankruptcy. I didn't want to answer questions about my business, where are my cars, where were we going on vacation, will my daughter be in competitive dance this year. It was all too daunting. I started to feel LESS of who I was because I had less - less clients, money and stuff.

I was starting to feel pretty shitty. I had no energy, I didn't want to speak to anyone, go outside, socialize - you get the picture. That was until yesterday.

I decided the best thing i could do was to get my priorities in order and start balancing out my life again. What was my big aha moment? The event that showed me the light and caused angels to sing? There wasn't one. It was a slow culmination of thoughts in my head. I began to realize that I was now allowing all of these negative thoughts to leak out in a not-so-pretty way. I was lashing out at my husband and kids, I was eating without regard to what I was putting in my mouth, I was barely keeping up with the housework, I was losing my gumption...something, frankly I just can't live without. It's like losing my 'Yvonne'. What am I without it but a shell of a person - a doormat - a bore.

So here I am again. Feeling the urge to purge and the need to sort out my life. I know I have said all of this before but I figure if addicts can relapse 2 or 3 times then so can I. The point is to never give up trying.

Let's consider today day 2 of being in emotional recovery. I am going to do my 12 steps towards personal redemption and forgiveness and work towards being free of the burdens that have prevented me from the life I could have. This my vow:

1. Forgive myself

2. Treat myself with the respect I deserve or no one else will

3. Feed my body with love.

4. Feed my body with healthy food.

5. Do not measure my self worth in terms of pounds or dollars.

6. Purge that which has no true value.

7. Embrace the good around me and remind myself every day of my good fortune.

8. Keep my mind sorted and don't get mired in the every day.

9. Balance my day. Don't be afraid of your inner Libra. It's what keeps you sane.

10. Be there for the ones you love both in body and mind. Listen and comfort without judgment.

11. Be there for yourself and do what you need to stay on the path.

12. Don't forget to live. Enjoy life and all that there is to offer. Walk in the woods, bike around town, swim, and don't worry about what everyone else thinks because it can steal your will.

I am so glad to be back. I cannot tell you how dark and lonely it has been but that doesn't matter. I am here again.