FALLING DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE

It's been about a month since my last blog and so much has changed.

As most of you know this year has been somewhat tumultuous in terms of my finances. This is a result of - let's face it - bad money management, increased debt, and decreased income from my business' perspective. So It would turn out that this was just the beginning of a journey that continues to test my resolve and cause me to question my future both financially and professionally.

Allow me to recap a bit of the year prior to June 16 - the day of my last blog...

For many years I have been living in a fog. There is really no other way to describe it. I have been mindlessly spending money and accumulating 'stuff' in an effort to fill a void. As a result, I now have loads of crap, mounds of debt, and, you guessed it, I still have the void.

On top this I have also gained copious amounts of weight in an effort to deal with the physical and emotional stress trying to 'stuff' the emotions caused by the void. Paired with my already wavering feelings of self-worth, well, this just spells disaster for my wallet and my waistline.

Up until June I was making efforts to keep my emotions in tact. I was blogging, cooking, socializing and otherwise pushing on. That was until the pressure caused me to break and I gave in. I stopped talking to anyone. I kept to myself. I stopped blogging and I collapsed.

At first I could deal with the financial problems we had in front of us. Yes it was bleak but I knew we could get by. We could manage. We discussed plans on how to tackle the debt and eventually get a handle on our finances. But it seemed that every time we thought we were on top of things something else popped up and we were back to square one.

Take our household bills for instance. The minute those were caught up we had to pay our credit card bills. I wouldn't get paid by clients on time and would have to wait an extra 30 DAYS for payment. Now we had to let the credit card bills slide until I got paid. Then we were a month behind. Pretty soon all of the bills were 30 days behind and it seemed we would never catch up. I had 1 good month this quarter but I have yet to be paid for it, so we are stuck waiting again.

So every night I spend tossing and turning. Some nights I wake up at 1 or 2 in the morning unable to fall back asleep because my brain would lock onto all of the bills that had to be paid and that was it - no sleep for me. I could account an entire month's worth of bills by memory - which is what I did...every night.

I was spending every waking moment thinking about bills. It was like a dream sequence. People would be talking to me and I would be thinking "If I don't pay my cell phone in 3 days, Rogers will cut it off". I felt terrible. Eventually there was no real point to talking to people at all. I could only focus on my bills.

As you can well imagine this financial fog did absolutely nothing for my need to diet and exercise. I had to cancel the gym because of money but to be absolutely truthful, my brain wouldn't let me even consider exercise. I could barely get through my day let alone do something good for myself. Some days I can barely get out of bed. I wake up feeling groggy and overwhelmed. I think there is no point in working any more because I never seem to get ahead.

So here we have it - it would seem I have hit bottom. But I was wrong. I still have a lot further down I can go.

It is July 8, 2010. We have our second meeting with Hoyes Michalos - Trustees in Bankruptcy. They also do something called a 'consumer proposal'. This is a proposal presented to your debtors in which you agree to pay back a percentage of your debt over the course of 5 years. The debtors are given the opportunity to 'vote' on the proposal and from there they decide whether or not you will A) pay the debt at the rate agreed B) reject the proposal and force you to submit another one at a higher payment option or C) go bankrupt.

Kevin and I had discussed both of these options before and we felt that a consumer proposal was in our best interest. That was until July 8,2010.

Just a few days prior to this I had been speaking to a friend of mine who works for my #1 client. She and some other people were concerned that something suspicious was going on in the office. We discussed that there was a chance the business was going to be sold. Well, this was the last straw for me. Between the sleepless nights, the stress and the pressure that was continually building in my life, I knew that if my client was to back out my business was going to slowly sink.

So now I am in an absolute panic. I am fucked. Sorry there is just no other way to say it. I know that this is it for me. There is no getting 'back on track'. Now it's just a matter of surviving.

When we sit down with one of the partners at Hoyes Micholas we lay out our debt and our options. Kevin's proposal looked feasible but mine was not looking very promising. By this time I had had enough. I was exhausted and frankly, I was beaten. I was done. I looked at the man sitting across from me at the desk and replied "I just want this over." I am filing for bankruptcy."

I couldn't believe what I was saying. It was like I just told the world "I failed!!!" I felt guilty about not being able to pay back my debt. I felt irresponsible for letting it get this bad. But most of all I felt ashamed.

As I left the office I quickly scanned the waiting room hoping that no one had heard what I had said. Most importantly, I wanted to make sure I didn't know anyone because at this point I could barely choke back the tears.

I slid into the van (that would have to give back to the bank) and we drove home.

For a few days I was able to let my financial issues go. I was able to go on with the day and focus on my family and my job but I still couldn't sleep. Yes I felt horrible about my decision but I knew it was the right thing to do. Plus there was still more to do to finish what we started.

I won't go into boring details about what is involved in going bankrupt but needless to say it kept me busy for serveral weeks and kept me up at night wondering when it would all be over.

In the meantime I received a call from my friend at my #1 client's office - July 12 - only 4 days after my meeting. She told me that she came to the office and they had fired EVERYONE but her and one other person. She wanted to give me the heads up. They were getting out of the digital signage industry because they too had been struggling for the past 2 years and could no longer continue in this business.

I didn't know what to think. I was sad for the people who lost their jobs but in an odd way I was relieved for myself. My decision to go bankrupt was the best route to take because without this client I would be losing 50% of my business. This loss coupled with the 25% loss I had already suffered this year there was no way I could survive.

So now I am at a crossroads. Do I continue to do what I do and try to find more clients? Should I pack in my business and get a job at a design house? Do I start a new career? Do I start doing more web design? Or maybe I just work at the local video store and stay home with the kids? I just don't know.


At this point I have a lot of thinking to do but first I need to get my life back. I need to sleep, socialize focus on some positive things. I still feel as though I am lingering in a fog but it's one of sleeplessness and stress. I don't feel like I can make good decisions when my mind and body are in such an unhealthy place.

So I am going to continue to work at my business for the rest of the summer for as much money as that makes me. Plus I have the kids home so I have them to look after as well. And despite all this we still get to keep the house so I still have that to look after (thank goodness).

On Monday I sign the papers for my bankruptcy. We return both of our vehicles to the bank and I declare that I am a financial ruin. In some ways I suppose I am admitting defeat but in other ways I am fortunate. Although my credit has been destroyed I kind of see this as a chance to start again. To start from scratch and hopefully, this time, get it right.

From here I don't know what will happen...I just know that I have to start making decisions that are right for me and my family. Because in reality, falling down the rabbit hole is not very much fun. It is dark and lonely and it seems like it will never end. And when you finally reach the bottom you are beaten and bruised, tire and confused and you just want to find a way out. It's never as simple as eating cake or drinking the potion. You have to find balance and hopefully, eventually you will get through the door that leads to the adventure that is your life.