While I was taking a break and eating my chicken noodle soup, I caught about an hour of the movie 'Confessions of a Shopaholic'. Needless to say I could relate to some of what the main character was saying even though my appeal does not tend to be Gucci or Parada but other 'stuff' that I really don't need. At one point in the film, the main character attends a 'shopaholics anonymous' meeting. The leader of the group says to the others 'You have been spending your money on things that you think you need. Why not give away those things you don't' need for no money at all'. Of course I am paraphrasing but still - What a refreshing change of attitude.
In the past I have been known to buy far too much for my children. I find that I can make excuses to go overboard with them because it is not for me. When I look through my kids clothes I see 10 pairs of jeans, most of which my daughter refuses to wear, skirts that never leave the drawer and dresses that have never seen the light of day. I realize that they could do with about half of what they currently have if not less.
I think a lot of this started when I lived in Hamilton. Most of the kids on our street had everything. Every time my daughter would go to a friend's house she would tell me all about the clothes they had and the toys and I always felt somehow I had to compete with that. The people on my street were always competing and not just with our children. It was all about who had a hot tub, a new pool, who was doing renovations, whose lawn was the greenest, who had the nicest car, the list goes on and on. Before I moved to this street I wasn't that person, but the minute I moved into that house in Hamilton everything changed.
I felt like my entire life was being judged. From my home to my children, what activities we did, my clothing, my weight. It was like living under a microscope. And the longer I lived there the worse it got. I was so desperate for my neighbours to like me I played their game too - I wanted them to like me after all. But that never really happened. I recall trying to talk about current events or relevant goings on in Parent Council and the neighbours would change the subject to what was on sale at the grocery store or what new clothes were at Children's Place. I just couldn't relate to them.
So after 5 years my husband and I agreed we had had enough, packed our things and moved back to Brantford. We wanted to make being close to family and loved ones a priority. To tell the truth I needed my family. I felt alone and secluded and I needed the people who loved me by my side. So here we are.
Since we moved back I have reconnected with some of my old friends who have been my saving grace. I can honestly say that they love me for me and I feel the same way about them. I didn't realize how rare a gift this was until I left my old neighbourhood. Even the new friends I have made here make me feel safe and secure and appreciated. Perhaps this is why I am on the journey for my authentic self - because I am surrounded by authentic friends to support me along the way.
I am still battling the urge to spend, spend, spend but I am winning it. I just keep reminding myself that no matter how much I buy those posessions will not make me 'feel' complete. Yes there is a temporary high when you purchase a new item. There is the joy I get from giving it to my daughter as she smiles and tries it on. But then there is the guilt that I feel for spending money on something we could have gone without. I feel even worse when I see other children who don't have enough clothes to get through the week and come to school filthy everyday.
It is because of all of these reasons that I have decided to have a mom-to-mom clothing night. I am going to donate my children's extra clothes that they clearly don't need to someone who does need it. There are many families in my neighbourhood that go without every day and if I can help in any way I will. Hopefully through this exercise I can cleanse some of the guilt I feel about my participation in this spending fiasco because I realize I am not innocent either. I was actively participating in keeping up with the Jones' so I should not be excused. I just hope I can be forgiven...not by anyone but me.
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