As I quickly approach my 40th year I am noticing subtle changes in my personality and my appearance. Changes that I never really expected and was never warned about so needless to say some of them are a bit shocking. These are the signs of aging your mother never told you about.
I will begin with the pleasant parts. I have noticed that in most situations I seems to remain quite calm compared to my younger years. In situations that would normally cause me to fly into a defensive rage now just wash away from me like water. I am able to put things into better perspective and not let my emotions rule me entirely. For instance yesterday my daughter was pretending to 'bounce' her fist off of my protruding belly avec sound effects 'boing, boing'. If I was ten years younger I would have sulked because my child indicated through her actions that my belly is somewhat 'bouncy'. Yesterday I just looked down, patted her head and said 'yes Delaney...hahaha 'boing''. See nothing at all.
Now I have always realized there some common subtle nuances associated with aging that we are all aware we should expect. Such things as wrinkles, age spots, crows feet, grey hair...all those wonderful things you can buy creams and lotions and tonics to help 'slow' the aging process. There are a few other 'symptoms' that have shocked me entirely.
If you look at a child you will notice their skin is smooth and boyant with no pores showing - flawless. As you get older all this changes. When I wake up in the morning it takes about 30 minutes for my face to no longer look like the creased sheets I slept on the night before. My face looks smooshed and puffy, I have creases under my eyes and if it wasn't for my slightly pudgy face I am sure my cheek skin would fold in two under pressure of my head.
Some things that dont' clear up - uneven skin tone, enlarged pores around my mouth and chin, jelly legs, crepe paper boobs, lumpy tummy...I think you've heard enough on this topic - moving on...
And then there was hair. As you age you get hair in the most emberassing place which are noticed at the most inopportune times. Every month I get random chin hair. Black hair that grows QUITE long and at no particular time. I check my chin regularly because God forbid I am in the midst of a serious conversation only to find my client staring blankly at the 'rope' that is forming under my chin. Needless to say I try to stay on top of this situation but it always seems that one day the hair is not there and the next day small children could you use it as a jungle gym.
Another not-so-pleasant thing is mole hair. Granted this can start growing when you are quite young but it seems every decade that stuff can multiply. Now I not only have to pluck my eyebrows and my chin I have to give my moles a mowing over with my 'personal shaver' LOVELY!
And lets not forget nose hair...HA! I bet you thought this only happened to old men in Florida who wear socks with sandals. Well you would be wrong. Women get it too. Just 2 weeks ago I was in the car with my husband Kevin, riding him about his little jungle springing from his nostrils. As I was crying with laughter I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and gasped. There it was - one single nose hair hanging below the nostril. I will admit I tried to pluck it but after many attempts once again I reached for my shaver.
Last but not least is stray nipple hair. Yes I said it and that is all I am going to say because those of you who do have it - you know you find it WHILE you are being intimate with your partner! There is no nipple hair removal routine...who would think those babies existed until you are buck naked in the throws of passion, you look down and....OH MY GOD WHAT IS THAT THING? How you handle it here is up to you but I opt for a fake trip to the ladies room for some quick removal. Married or not that stuff is gross!
Just when I thought sex and menstruation were the only things my mother didn't tell me about life I have all of these other little gems to comfort me. Now I am left to wonder what other charming changes my body has in store for me as my hormones crash. Here's hoping menopause is the worst of it. I mean can you imagine all that sweating and hot flashes and mood swings accompanied by bushy eyebrows, enlarged ears, bulging noses, sagging boobs....wait....all that stuff happens later too...Oh well, at least in 40 years I can just act like I am senile then it won't matter that I have a mole on my cheek growing a small forest, a rope hanging from my chin, little elves living in my nose hair and a belly like a piniata...ah life is grand isn't it?
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