IT'S NOT USUALLY LIKE THIS...HONEST

I have someone coming to give us an assessment of our house today and I am completely stressed out. It's not the evaluation that bothers me but the fact that my house is not as clean as I would like it to be. I seem to get this way whenever people come over because I am afraid of being judged by the cleanliness of my home. I get myself all stressed out, I become an absolute stroppy cow and I snap at anyone who so much as leaves a crumb on the counter.

My husband is completely puzzled by this behaviour but I know women understand this condition. Men are not judged by the cleanliness of their home but women are. And not by everyone either. There are very few people in my life who care if my 5 year old left her dirty socks in the living room or that there is laundry on the laundry room floor. It's usually people that are complete strangers whose opinion should not matter to me. Still I want to make a good impression and somewhere in my twisted brain I seem to think a sparkly home is going to do that.

It's not like I am going to be on an episode of Hoarders (a judging statement in itself) I just know my house could be cleaner. It's really the clutter that seems to gather daily that gets under my skin. The piles on the stairs that need to be brought up and sorted, the toys in the play room that need organized, the bunny cages needing cleaned and my desk that's in desperate need of some TLC. I see all these things and know it has to be done but I can't seem to find the time to do it. It may very well be that I dont' want to do it either or I would FIND the time.

I know that dealing with this clutter and continuing to 'purge' the superfluous 'stuff' in my life is also part of my journey. After all the clutter usually accumulates while I am too busy. I am not taking the time to notice what is going on around me. I am not truly 'living' in the moment I am going through the motions to get by because I am too 'busy' to really observe what it is I am doing and how I am living my life.All of this clutter is also representative of a life I no longer want to lead and it is weighing me down. It reminds of money spent, debt accumulated and a life not lived but filled with baggage in the physical and emotional sense. In order to truly take control of my life I must take control of my surroundings.

So, I am going to accept that my house is not perfect today as I would secretly like it to be. But I vow to one day tackle it. Not all at once but bit by bit. After all, becoming real happens over time. It may hurt sometimes but once you are real it doesn't matter. Someday I will be real too.