A CLOUDED PERSPECTIVE

I am going to Toronto tomorrow and Thursday for training. I am not worried about this or stressed about it. I am however anxious about leaving my kids for 2 days. I know this sounds paranoid but I have a lot of difficulty leaving them even overnight.

I am trying to explain my fear while avoiding the details of where my fear comes from so bare with me. I will explain briefly.

As a child I had an abusive father. I was very frightened of him as we all were. He would get drunk everyday and was easily provoked. We never knew when we would get in trouble or for what. He would just explode and we would duck and run for cover. So needless to say I was hurt both physically and emotionally. But I don't think this is what the fear comes from.

I was also sexually abused by a relative. I don't want to get into the details of this but I know this has left me with some major trust issues. I am suspicious of most people I meet and have trouble trusting people with my children.

Between both of these events I am extremely protective of my girls. I never let them out of my sight for a minute. And I know that no one will watch my children as closely as I do. So I am worried that someone else will turn their head at the wrong moment and something awful will happen.

I am also worried that people are gullible. They don't assume the worst of others and assume they are honest. I don't think that way. I am suspicious of most people I meet. Yes this sounds jaded but I have lived my life so long this way I don't know how to change it. Plus, I would prefer to be suspicious and on my guard from the start then be caught unawares and open to injury both for me and my children.


So here I am, stressing over leaving my children with my family - not because I don't trust my family I just don't trust other people. Both my mother and my mother-in-law don't think the way I do. They don't see the bad in others right away. I don't think it's a fault. They just haven't experienced that violation of trust to darken their perspective.

I know I am being paranoid, I know I am being irrational but my paranoia is so bad it has become 'physical'. I feel physically ill, I am tense, and I have to take a sleeping pill just to sleep when my kids aren't with me.

So now I have to keep it together for the next few days because I need to get work done and perform and 'seem' normal for the sake of myself and my client. I don't know how to rid this feeling of dread I have. I just know it controls me and invades my mind and I don't want it to. I don't want to think bad thoughts - to think that something horrible will happen and see it in my head, to be so suspicious it controls my life. I suppose I just want to know my children are safe. I don't want them to experience what I have. I don't want them to feel what I feel. I want them to be safe. I want them to be happy.