WHAT TIME IS IT?

This morning I woke up at 5:30 am. I know for some of you who do this every day this is a small accomplishment but for me it is huge. Allow me to explain why.

I have had sleep apnea for 10 years - since I was pregnant with my first child. This causes me to wake several times each hour because I stop breathing. For a good 7 years I thought I was waking up because I had to pee (a sign you have sleep apnea). As it turns out it was because I was not breathing and my body was waking me up.

Another factor affecting my sleep is bizarre dreams that wake me up in the night. I have been chased by killer nuns, hunted by the spirits of angry children in attics, grabbed by a giant gorilla under the Lorne Bridge and flown the skies of imaginary worlds more times than I would like to admit. Although these dreams range from terrifying to resplendent I find the sleep I do get during these dreams is fitful and interrupted. I realize you are now probably thinking 'this woman needs a shrink' but there you have it - warts and all, this is how my brain works.

Anyway, needless to say most mornings I wake up wanting to go back to bed. If I had awoke at this time on any other day I would have covered my head and prayed to return to la-la land. But last night was different. Last night I slept from 10:15 pm until 5:30 am and I did not get up once. It's hard to say if I woke up or not without a sleep study test, but I know I never left my bed. This is huge for me!

Already I have gotten dressed, did my makeup, my hair, baked a loaf of bread, made the kids breakfast, had breakfast myself AND watched an episode of Destination Truth. And it is only 7:30. Now I can also say I finished my blog too. I only hope this energy lasts for the entire day so that I can get everything done that I need to do.

Now I am off to watch Handy Manny with the kids, walk to school, put in a full days work and drive to Hamilton to see my neice before she gets on a plane to England. Maybe I can throw in some plant shopping with my friend Tracy, do my taxes AND pay all the bills too! Well, let's not go too far.

Have a great day everyone!

JUST KEEP ON SWIMMING!

I am at a crossroads in on my path towards better health. Last week I committed to tracking my food and exercising everyday but to be completely honest with myself I have not been on the ball most of the time. I have not been tracking my calories as acurately as I should have AND I have not walked to school everyday so I can't really say I have 100% kept to my word. I must also confess that I have been scale jumping.

I have been weighing myself everyday (shame) and I have been losing weight so I thought 'no harm done'. Well that theory blew up in my face this morning when I got on the scale and saw that I have only lost .6 - that's point six pounds this week. I have been super concious of what I eat and when I eat it. I have cut out snacking at night which was very difficult and I was especially good yesterday because I knew today was the 'official' weigh in day and I wanted to see some BIG numbers. Needless to say I felt discouraged.

Now I have to take a bit of my own advice. A friend of mine is facing the same uphill battle and I told her 'don't pay attention to the number on the scale'. This journey is about making changes. I may not see the results on the scales but I feel the results on the inside. I feel like I am taking control of my life and my lifestyle just by not letting my emotions control my eating. I am making choices that honour my spirit and my body which is what this journey is about for me. This wasn't supposed to be about the numbers - it was about healthy living but again I have put the emphasis on the outside rather than the inside.

So I am vowing again to myself to continue on the path towards healthy living. I will continue to make better food choices, exercise more and don't let my emotions dictate the decision of when to eat. It really is difficult to change an attitude that has been engrained in my psyche for 30 years and I can't expect this to be undone in 3 short weeks. Everyday I am making progress and for that I have to give myself credit. I can't continually point out my shortfalls without recognizing the accomplishments or I will never find the strength to continue on this journey.

So to the scales I say 'goodbye for now'. I am putting them in storage and I will only weigh myself once a month. I will continue to find ways to exercise everyday even if it is dancing in the living room with the kids, and I will continue to make healthy choices by being aware of my emotions and not letting them lead me to the fridge.

WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY PRECIOUS???

I wasn't quite sure what I wanted to talk about today. At first I wanted to talk about aging and the things your mother didn't tell you. Then I thought about maybe writing a short work of fiction. All of this changed when my Macbook CRASHED!!!

For those of you who know me very well you will know that my Mac is like my 'precious'. It goes eveywhere with me and I do everything on it. If it wasn't for my Mac I would practically live in my basement because I am always on the computer.

Just for good measure I recently switched all of my bookkeeping to my Mac. I have a backup but now I have to install my software somewhere else and try to get my files working so I can do my month end invoicing AND my taxes!

And to add insult to injury, when I went to Future Shop to have my computer 'shipped away' to be repaired - there was an enormous display of cases with 10 foot tall blue people on the cover. You guessed it - I walked smack into a WALL of Avatar. While I was waiting for the technician to package up my baby and ship it off I couldn't help but wander over to the display and caress the boxes and wonder 'Will you ever be mine?' ...hahummm....anyway...moving on...

Once the moment passed and the technician assured me everything was 'fine' and my warranty would cover everything (which NEVER happens when my PC breaks) I slumped back to my car and drove back to my lonely empty dungeon - mac-less. sigh....

So I would like to take this opportunity to mourn my precious because I am going to miss her while she is gone. We spend so much time farming and cooking and playing Family Feud. Life will seem empty and meaningless without her.

I am just kidding...geeze I am not that pathetic! I'll just pick up a good book, go for a walk or watch about 10 hours of Ghost Hunters and Destination Truth everyday until my precious comes back to me! Okay now that IS pathetic!

DING DONG...AVON CALLING

As many of you know I have been working towards reducing my overall debt load. Once my daughter has finished her competitive dance season (AKA mortgage payment) in May I will be looking for a part time job. I have also put it out there that I would not be adverse to taking something permanent full time or contract in my field. So far both have been very productive. I have a couple of potential leads on jobs which will allow me to continue working freelance, and work part time which will give me a regular pay cheque. YAY!

I have also decided to sell Avon. I have always liked the product and think it is reasonably priced. It also gives me the opportunity to get out and socialize rather than hang out in my basement all day talking to my bunnies and my dogs. So needless to say if you need Avon products I am your woman. If not - I am still your friend;-)

I have had a long relationship with cosmetics. From the age of 10 I can recall playing with my mom's makeup and trying on her blue eye shadow and pink lipstick. I just loved to play with colour. Perhaps this is where my love for painting comes from for my canvas was once my own face.

Over the years I have enjoyed the feeling of transforming myself. Whether it was my gothic bat-caver days with my white make-up or when I decided to look very preppy in the 80's with my blue mascara and frosted lips - I always felt the metamorphosis was complete once my makeup was on.

Even now I continue to love makeup. Thanks to my nieces I find myself watching makeup geek and figuring out what different styles I can get away with without looking 'over the top'. I would love to do an extreme smokey eye but I have not built up the courage.

I am excited to start this new endeavor not just for the love of the product, or the opportunity to socialize with my fellow makeup geeks. Now I am DOING something about my finances and not just talking about it. It may not be much but the efforts are being made and I know eventually we will reclaim our financial stability and continue on to financial security.

DIETING IS DIE WITH A 'T'

Since I was a young girl I loved Garfield. He was fat and furry, he loved lasagna and did very little physical activity. I could relate to him. One of my favourite images of garfield was on a sticker I received when I was 8 years old. It said 'Dieting is Die with a 'T'. That just about said it all for me. I had always considered healthy eating as a form of diet. I know what the word diet means to me so now I have to stop mentally associating dieting with healthy eating.

Dieting is a way of denying yourself and lord knows I don't like to be told I can't have something. So why would I practice self-torture for all these years? Truthfully the only 'weight loss program' that has truly been successful for me has been Weight Watchers. This program allows you to count points which means you can still choose to eat the sugary fatty foods but you won't be able to have much else and in the end you will still be hungry. So you are left to be accountable for your decisions and will ultimately pay the price in the form of hunger for selecting food that is bad for you.

The bad news is now I can't even follow Weight Watchers. I am finding it more and more difficult to lose the weight which means I really HAVE to stop eating the fat and the sweets or I will never succeed. I am my own worst enemy when it comes to sweets. If given the choice between a donut and a healthy balanced meal I would choose the donut.

Another issue I have is 'scale jumping'. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the term it refers to weighing yourself several times a day. This helps some people stay on track but for me - not so much. If the number shows any sort of gain I become discouraged and mentally start to abandon ship. If the number shows a loss - well that's permission to have a treat. 'Wow I have been so good I have lost 3 pounds! So this chocolate bar shouldn't make a difference - right?' Wrong! Oh so wrong!!!

I also have an issue with giving myself unreasonable goals. When I am laying out my game plan to lose weight I usually tell myself 'in x number of months I can lose all the weight no problem'. The problem is that I become discouraged if I don't lose exactly the weight I told myself I would lose in the specified timeframe and punish myself emotionally...

'You have no committment, You can't even stick to a diet' (see there's that word again)...blah...blah...blah.

...which in turn can and will lead to emotional eating. This in sabotages my weight loss goals and leaves me further behind than I started. Now I feel guilty about not losing the weight as quickly as I would have liked AND I fall off the wagon entirely.

Comparing myself to others is a big issue with me. Recently a friend lost 100 pounds in a year (yeah Trish)! I am extremely proud of my friend and think to myself 'if she can do it I can do it'. I need to stop thinking that way because I know this is just my way of setting up an excuse to fail at a later date. I need to understand that everyone's journey is different and yes, I too can lose the weight but my timeline might be different. If I don't change my way of thinking, in 6 months I will find myself punishing myself AGAIN for not being halfway to my goal.

So what I have I learned?

1. Don't use the word diet.

2. Don't let the number on the scale dictate failure or success.

3. Don't set unreasonable goals. I will lose the weight and I will not give up REGARDLESS of how long it takes.

4. Celebrate other's success but do not let it dictate your own. Even if we are on the same journey we don't always experience it in the same way.

5. Stop punishing yourself when you slip. Accept your mistake and move on. One jelly donut does not a dozen make...if you get my meaning.

6. Forgive yourself your edible indiscretions.

7. Love yourself even if you fail.

I know you are thinking 'You are having bypass surgery. Why does any of this matter?' My addiction to food will still be there after the surgery. My self-defeating attitude will still be there. My inner critic will still be there. Unless I deal with it now and recognize it when it is happening I could end up back where I started in 5 years. Loads of people gain the weight back after surgery because they still have these issues. So you could say I am planning ahead. I am determined to succeed with or without surgery. Whatever path I take will lead to my ultimate goal - to have a healthier attitude about food and to love myself inside first, because if I don't I will never love the outside no matter how small OR big it is.

GULP...ARE YOU SURE YOU USED A CALCULATOR?

On Tuesday evening my husband and I had an appointment with a financial consultant of sorts. It was at this appointment we would discuss our current debt load and potential solutions to ensure our 'financial survival' sort to speak.

We both felt trepidation to say the least. Up to the minute we walked into the gentleman's office the tension was palpable. We discussed the meeting, what we had to bring and information we had to share but still we were not prepared with the emotion that was involved in such a venture.

As soon as I heard this man talk I knew that he understood what he was talking about. He was thorough and precise in communicating all of the information required. We sat and listened to him feeling more and more at ease with him. Even as we disclosed all of our finances - a moment we were both dreading - he listened patiently, nodded thoughtfully and showed no sign of judgement of us or our finances which I feel we both were expecting to some degree.

At the end of our appointment the consultant gave us a short list of tasks we were to accomplish for the coming weeks in order to proceed to the next step. I was to do my 2009 business taxes, prepare a list of our assets and make a list of total debt as well as make a budget.

When we went into the appointment we had a rough number of our debt in mind but yesterday my husband and I decided to sit down and fill out a spreadsheet with more accurate numbers so we could be sure. After putting in all of the figures we were shocked to discover our overall debt was actually 50% higher...gulp!

As devastating as this news was we were still able to keep it in perspective-ish (I will admit I lashed out a bit which I regret now - I love you honey;)). My husband and I decided to grab the dogs and the kid (Rhea was at a friends) and get the heck out of Dodge. We went for a LONG walk and tried to let it all go.

Needless to say by the end we were winded and relieved and found something to laugh about other than being hopeless with money. We just have to keep reminding ourselves that despite our current dilemma we sill have each other and our children and in the end as long as we have that nothing else matters...

But the most important thing I have learned is that communication is key. Even if we were not clear enough with each other about debt as it was growing at least we can say that we openly discuss it now. I can honestly say that my relationship with my husband has grown and will continue to grow because we communicate. And regardless of what life throws at us we need to always remember that there is a way out of it if we work together.

'I SEE YOU (AND YOUR BOWL OF SNACK-A-DOOS)'

So last night I rented Avatar. Granted after paying all of the late fees and the cost of the rental I had practically bought a copy but I stuck to my word. I am still waiting until next Thursday to decide whether or not to purchase the film.

It was difficult to watch the movie and not have snacks. Doing this simple act is the equivalent of drinking alcohol and having a cigarette to a smoker. I should know I used to do that too.

There are a lot of parallels that can be drawn between managing food addiction and quitting smoking. When I quit smoking I had to change my routines and habits in order to avoid smoking. Rather than avoiding food entirely I can find healthier alternatives. I did the same when I quit smoking. I used to have a cigarette when I drove to work. When I quit I replaced the cigarette with a burning hot cup of Tim Horton's tea. It allowed me to still do something with my hands and have something to 'look forward to'.

I had to avoid my backyard for 6 months when I quit smoking. That was where I always smoked and I related that place to it. Even now I am trying to figure what that place would be in correlation to food. Maybe it is an activity or a time of day - I haven't figured that part out yet. I do know that when I watch a movie in the future I have to make some healthy snacks beforehand so I am not tempted to eat chips and chocolate and other goodies which is especially difficult when everyone else in the house is doing it.

Here is a short list of what I relate food to...please hold your laughter until the end:)
- Road Trip=trip to Bulk Barn
- Theatre=Raisinettes
- Holidays=Eating Out
- Friday night=treats
-Easter=Stealing chocolate from my kids (I know its bad but remember this stuff is like crack to me)
-Christmas=Please see above and try not to think less of me
-Valentine's Day=the one holiday I don't have to steal chocolate cuz I get my own
-Renting movies=Chips, chocolate and whatever my heart desires
-Camping=bacon and eggs
-Sunday morning=bacon and eggs again
-Birthdays=cake

I think you get my meaning. Although most people would probably have snacks of some sort during all of these different key times most people don't focus on the food portion. Most people focus on the events themselves but I seriously get the most pleasure out of the food that is eaten during these times.

So now I have to stop putting the food first and try to focus on the occasion itself and then maybe I won't feel the need to indulge in the bad stuff. I will find the simple joy in watching a movie and not eating treats, Christmas without chocolate, birthdays without cake, life without breathing....just kidding... and enjoy a life that is not controlled by addiction.

GETTING MY WINGS CLIPPED

When I first started today's blog I was orignally going to talk about looking after my friend's toddler last night and how much I enjoyed it - and the sun would shine and birds would sing and unicorns would run through open fields and we'd all celebrate being alive....but not any more.

Something happened the other night that I can't get past and it is compelling me to eat sweets (although I am not at the moment). Here's the scoop. I had prepared wing sauce for my husband's wing night with the boys on Wednesday. Granted I had never done it and I didn't have much to work with in the house so I guess it came out more like spaghetti sauce:( Part of the event is that the sauces are judged and my husband and I came dead last. All the boys have said it's no big deal but I received a phone call last night asking if I had any spaghetti and meatballs available. I know ...hahahah...very funny but to be honest it hurt. I was offered some 'lessons' on making sauce which I will take but still my pride is hurt and today I am licking my wounds.

To be honest my first reaction was 'fine if they don't like it I'll never make them wing sauce again!' Pretty childish in retrospect. Now I am going to find the positive in all these childish hurt feelings and move on. Instead I am looking at other wing recipes and I have vowed to try again. I am also going to take advantage of those lessons and make a kick ass wing sauce and win the next time.

Regardless if my reaction was because I am 'too sensitive' i also have to tell myself 'so what'. What if I am over sensitive? Do I need to punish myself for it? No - it is what it is and eating food because I am hurt is just another way of punishing myself. So as I have my celery snack I say this...

Sometimes I just need to say it to the universe and find my inner strength to move past these things. In the past I would have let this eat at me for days and as a result I would have EATEN for days over it. I don't know why I am so sensitive and I dont' know if I will ever change but I do know that I have to find a way of dealing with the emotions rather than eating them.

Now excuse me while I drink my tea and think happy thoughts...enjoy the day and thanks for listening...

WALKING IN PANDORA

The girls and I have decided to start walking to school everyday when the weather is nice. It took about 30 minutes each way and Delaney was 'exhausted' (dramatic sigh). She came home afterward and crawled under a blanket with a cup of hot chocolate. I on the other hand felt great. The air was fresh and crisp and the exercise gave my brain the kick-start it needed to take on the day.

I have had a good day today. I have started tracking my food intake on my iPhone using the 'Lose It' App. I have tried this before but I was more looking at the calories rather than the food I am eating. I am going to focus more on 'keeping it real' and not processed. I have been feeding my body unpronounceable chemicals for so many years its a wonder I have not been pickling my organs in the process.

Hopefully between the extra physical activity, tracking my food intake and being more aware of my emotions and how they correlate to food I will continue on the path to good health.

Now for another conundrum. The release of Avatar is today and I am battling every fiber in my being not to run out and buy the blu-ray. I have been anticipating this release for months but my new resolution is not to buy 'stuff' just because I feel compelled to. I know that the film will feed my creative spirit and take me to another world that only dreams are made of....but I am I using this professional 'write-off' as an excuse to get what I want. I am unsure of myself and cannot determine if it is my addiction that is telling me to buy it or if I really feel my creative will benefit from it.

For now I have resolved to think about it first. If I can make it to next week this time without buying then maybe I can determine that I am making a logical decision rather than an emotional one. Wish me luck on this my first test. I hope I pass...maybe Eywa will give me the answer (geek joke - had to do it)

FEEDING MY SPIRIT

I would like to thank my friend Trish for dedictating her blog to me and all of my questions yesterday. Your honesty has helped me realize that I too am a food addict.

I don't find it difficult to admit to being a food addict. I have dealt with addictions all my life. What hurt most is that I knew I was just wallowing in self-pity. That was a hard pill to swallow. To realize that all of this talk about my past and my hurts and failures was my way of making excuses for what I was doing to myself here and now.

Now I have to go beyond the past and start living in the present. I have to learn to identify my emotional triggers and allow myself to feel. For years I have been avoiding my emotions rather than letting them be what they are. To truly feel angry or sad or confused or helpless - I didn't think I was allowed to feel this way. I have always thought that my emotions had to be under control at all times. I didn't know how to be angry and express it in a healthy way without hurting people around me. I still have to find a way to do that. I know that when I am sad I eat or I drink wine but I really just need to FEEL IT. I need to identify that lump in my throat or the weight in my stomach or the welling of tears in my eyes and just let them be the physical feelings they are. I need to give myself permission to be okay with my fear. I don't like to fear even the simplest thing like leaving the house because I might see someone I know. I need to stop overthinking it and just do it...that's why I am going for a walk RIGHT NOW!

1 hour later

I am back. Even something as simple as writing this blog gives me the permission to avoid getting exercise. I went for a long walk and I feel so much better. I have come to somewhat of a resolution as to how I am going to manage my addiction. It's really just a bit of a guideline but I think it may help.

First I will identify the feelings I am feeling when I get the urge to open the fridge door. Even if I don't always grab food its the emotions that drove me there in the first place. I need to identify what it is and the physical sensations that are related to it.

I also need to identify what I am feeling when I do eat simply because I cannot avoid it entirely - my body needs it to survive. My trouble is that I don't know the difference between being too full and just satisfied. I need to enjoy everything about the food and how it tastes, the textures, even how it was prepared. I aslo need to avoid the trigger foods that cause me to 'over indulge'. Chocolate is my big love/struggle/drawback to healthy eating. Whenever I eat chocolate I just keep going until I am stuffed, my teeth have a furry coating and I feel incredible guilt over eating it.

I have the same issues with possessions that I do with food. I would love to just get rid of it all and start over again. I know now that the only feeling these things bring for me is guilt for spending the money and anxiety when dealing with the debt load they have created. If I am going to truly conquer my debt I need to put my finger on how I got here in the first place. I need to start identifying why I think I NEED to have 15 collectible dragons or dozens of DVDs or even a house with more rooms than I really use. Why do I think that having all of these things will fill me up?

I also need to start planning for the life I really want. Do I want to be a self-employed designer or do I want to be a bus driver? I have no idea. I know that I am doing what I am doing now just to pay for the life I thought I wanted. What I really want is peace and love. I know this sounds corny but when I boil it down these 2 words are all that I really need. Inner Peace and love - for myself, my family and my friends.

WHY IS GRASS BETTER THAN DANDELIONS?

Yesterday was such a beautiful day I stopped running through all of my excuses for not leaving the house, plugged in my headphones and went for a walk.

I have been thinking so much about all of the 'deep issues' I am finding it difficult to concentrate on the the mundane everyday things that need to be done. So now I need to find the balance and the off switch for my brain.

As I left the house I noticed the neighbour was having his lawn rolled and fertilized. I saw another couple pulling weeds on the lawn. My entire neighbourhood is a sea of perfectly kept grass but whose to say that dandelions should not be welcome too.

Let's face it dandelions add colour to an otherwise never-ending sea of green. I really don't know why they are considered a weed at all. I think they should be considered flowers. When my daughter came out of school today she picked me a dandelion bouquet. I told her it was beautiful and I meant it.

We should all learn to appreciate dandelions a little more in our lives. They may stick out on the lawn, they may even outnumber the grass one day, but at least we can say they add colour and if one day we tire of them we can send our kids out to pop their heads off.

This post is in no means a comparison to myself. If you find yourself relating too much to the image of the dandelion stop reading and meditate.

WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

It's Monday morning and I walked back into my house to find my Newfoundlander had diarrhea and I am wearing white pants. I am soooo not cleaning this up right now. So I have sprayed some Febreze and lit some candles to try to drown out the smell until I can stomach cleaning out the dog's crate.

Speaking of wading through excrement (nice segue huh) I am going to start exploring my need to fill the emptiness in my life with possessions and food. Bare with me over the next while as I do some emotional dumping (hahaha) and dig deep into what makes me tick. I am warning you now this won't always be pretty but I promise to be honest.

Part 1 - Earliest Memories

I was 5 years old and had the flu so I had to stay home from school. My dad looked after me that day - for what reason I don't know. At one point I felt sick and started running to the bathroom. Unfortunately I didn't make it and puked on the carpet. My dad got angry with me, slapped me and made me clean it up. For years I wasn't sure if I had imagined this but this year I told my mom and she confirmed it was true. My father had told my mom that he made me clean up my puke (which was okay with her apparently) but he had neglected to tell her about the smack. I don't know if it would have made any difference if she did but there you go. I'm just putting it out there.

Around the same time I remember my dad trying to fix the television. It was an old floor model that had to be 'tuned' by 2 handles in the front. He was kneeling on the floor in front of the TV fiddling with the knobs trying to get a clearer picture. At one point he asked my mom if the picture was okay. She said it was fine. He bent back to see the image and was enraged. He screamed 'It's not okay', picked up the television and threw it against the wall. Immediately the tube inside broke and there was an enormous black hole in the middle of the screen. That television sat in our basement for years and every time I looked at I was reminded of that day.

So what should I take from this? My dad had a violent temper? Yes. My mom was scared of him? Hell yes. No one was there to protect us from him? Amen! But does any of this really contribute to my problems now? I know that I have always been somewhat insecure and vulnerable. I can see the relationship with my father as having a direct affect on those feelings. And as a result am I using food to sooth myself when I am vulnerable and insecure? Yes - absolutley.

I have never wanted to be like my father. I have spent years trying to calm myself down and control my reactions. To be zen. When in reality I was using food to try to calm myself because of my feelings of fear. I was always scared when my father lost his temper because I was a vulnerable child. Now to feel safe I eat. The act of eating soothes me. I can't believe I never thought of this before.

I have always known that I use food as an emotional crutch but I could never figure out why. Well, I have managed to peel back one layer today. Now I have to deal with another mess in the next room and get on with the day. I have a lot to think about and more emotional baggage to explore but for now I will mop up my other messes cuz pee-ew something in this house stinks!

IF I LIVED IN MIDDLE EARTH I WOULD BE A HOBBIT

I spent today watching all 3 Lord of the Rings movies with my good friend Tracy. I take great pleasure in my geeky pursuits but they are always improved if I have an active participant in my folly so for this I thank you Tracy.

At one point during the first film I turned to Tracy and said, "If I was any race in this film I would be a hobbit. They love to eat, drink beer and live fairly simple quiet lives".

I also see a some dwarf-isms in my life. I sometimes find myself toiling for untold riches in the dark chasm I call my basement. Then there are the power-hungry men. There have been many days that my desire for more has corrupted me although I never accepted a ring from a dark lord thinking it would give me 'ultimate power'. Still I have been known to be swayed by the power of the Jones' and the need to keep up with them. If I hadn't I would not be 'sloughing my financial stress' as it were.

Then there are the elves. A graceful and ethereal race of people that seem to connect with the world around them on a spiritual level. They transcend the physical world and seem to live on a different enlightened plane. I secretly want to be an elf. I would love to remain serene and elegant in every situation. If I lived in Rivendell. I would probably fall off the cliff at some point. I am quite sure I would cut myself at least once a day on all of the carved walls and furniture and I am positive I would break something of value regularly.

In a weird sort of way watching these movies remind me about what is important in life and the person I really want to be. The good people of middle earth do not concern themselves with riches and when they do, they fall into darkness. They stand up for what is right and do not waiver in the face of defeat. This story teaches us that the friendships we are blessed with give us strength, supporting one another in our time of need show our honour, believing in our family and friends demonstrates our loyalty and coming together as a community keeps us strong. So what does this teach me?

I have found that over the years I have lost my way to the person I truly wish to be. I have also forgotten how to truly be happy. I have amassed large debt to acquire 'things'. These things did not make me happy but when i saw them I felt like I MUST have them. I don't know where these feelings come from or why I thought this would make me happy. In the end I was only left with feelings guilt for buying them and more debt. What a bad dwarf I have been.

I know that some days I have this emptiness. I can't describe it other than just a need that i cannot seem to fill. I have tried filling it with stuff, food, hobbies but nothing seems to work. So I am going to begin to explore why I feel this void in my life and how I should be filling it. Maybe it's that I lack purpose or structure. Perhaps I need more dicipline and self-control. Or maybe I just need to face down the fiery Balrog inside me whatever that may be.

So this is my quest - to look deep inside of myself and discover who I really am and what I want for my life - not for my kids or my husband but for me. To forget about what others think of what I am doing and just try to find that inner elvish peace. Then maybe I can go on to be happy. Then maybe I will have found purpose and the emptiness will vanish and I will no longer feel the need to fill that void. For it will be filled with joy and nothing else.

SNIP, SNIP, SNIP...DONE!

I was at my daughter's dance competition yesterday and I couldn't help but notice how many of the moms looked like former dancers themselves. Tall and slender, poised and graceful - the sight was quite intimidating. At one point I took my youngest daughter to the washroom where I caught a glimpse of myself in a full length mirror. What was I in my youth? A sumo wrestler? A food tester? I hate full length mirrors.

For the billionth time I am considering gastric bypass surgery. Whenever I find myself in these situations where I am the fattest person in the room I think about the surgery. If you are not familiar with this procedure I have included a link with the definition http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gastric_bypass_surgery I had always considered this option the last resort but at this point I think it's my only hope.

I always say I started gaining weight when I was pregnant with my first child but if I am honest with myself it was before I got married. Whenever I am in a relationship I stop looking after myself. When I met Kevin I used to eat right and swim every day. I was extremely fit. When we started spending more time together I spent less time on myself. I stopped swimming or exercising of any kind. We ate out a lot which involved fast food. We enjoyed talking, laughing and eating.

By the time we were married I had gained 40 pounds and that wasn't the end of it. Child #1 - 40 pounds, quit smoking - 40 pounds, child #2 - another 40 pounds. In case you are not counting I am now up by 160 pounds. I dieted throughout this time as well. Since I was married I have lost AND gained around 80 pounds. It seems no matter how much weight I lose I always seem to find it again. To add insult to injury I find a little bit more than I lost. When I do lose weight it is less and less of a loss yet more and more difficult to lose.

Although the visual impact of the extra pounds is one reason to want the surgery it's really the physical and emotional impact the weight has had on my life that truly motivates me to move in this direction. If I climb more than 2 flights of stairs I am winded and my knees hurt. I have sleep apnea which is because of the extra fat around my neck and I can't run unless I want to blow out a knee.

There are a lot of leisure activities I can't do anymore that I used to love. I cannot ride a roller coaster because I am afraid they will tell me I am too fat and turn me away. I wouldn't dream of riding a horse and punish the poor animal with my mass. I am fearful of flying because I don't want to go through what Kevin Smith recently experienced and be ejected from the plane for being too fat. Recently a friend and I were discussing this very thing. We often begin a thought or a sentence with 'when I lose weight I will...' I don't want to live the rest of my life in constant conflict with my own body. I want to do all of these things without my weight being the issue for why I cannot.

And so I am going to ask my doctor to submit my application for gastric bypass surgery (it has to be approved by Ontario Health). I have discussed it with him before but I have always secretly held out hope that I would win the battle of the bulge. But here I am years later and I am at my highest weight ever. I know there are some serious risks involved but I want to start living my life instead making excuses. My entire family is at a loss because of this and I don't think any of us deserve to be punished any longer.

THE LONG ROAD

It's 6:30 am and we are on our way to my daughter's second dance competition or as we like to call it 'the mortgage payment'.

Our children are lucky they have been able to participate in extra-curricular activities despite the fact we have had to re-prioritize our finances. Not every child is so fortunate. My children's school barely has any sports teams and with a community that has 1/3 below the poverty line that leaves a lot of children wanting.

I believe it is our job as a community to help and support each other in hard times not just as parents but as people. I am not saying in a monetary way but to show each other support. After all, financial security is a slippery slope and any one of us could find ourselves needing that same support. Things like keeping our eyes open for potential jobs, clothing exchanges, babysitting, and just being there to listen and support each other. It's during these times we need kindness the most and if we all pitch in we become a stronger community in the end and everyone benefits.

For all of my friends I give you my vow that I will do what I can to help you in whatever way I can. Call me when you need me and i'll be there for you. Every one of you have made me a better person just by knowing you and your friendship means so much to me. May you always have a roof over your head, food on your plate and clothes on your back. And always remember you will have a friend by your side no matter how bumpy the road gets.

SUNSHINE, LOLIPOPS & RAINBOWS

My youngest daughter Delaney asked when I am going to blog about her. Well naturally I said today so here we go.

Delaney was born on Rememberance Day in 2004. When the nurse sat her up in the bassinette her cheeks literally puddled onto her little chest. I replied 'I gave birth to Buddha'. I was very drugged up and hemorrhaging at the time so my response was not quite typical although it turns out, extremely accurate.

Right away D proved to be a quiet and content baby. She slept through the night by 2 months and even during that time she only woke up once or twice for feeding. She loved her sleep. She was always content just cuddling with mommy or daddy. I don't recall her even playing strange with anyone but of course my view is slightly distorted - I am her mother after all.


Delaney was a shy little girl from a very young age. She does not like to talk to strangers and makes no exceptions. She has always hid behind my legs when someone new approaches. But once she gets to know you another child emerges. She is talkatvie and energetic and bounces off the walls with excitement. She loves her friends and family and enjoys spending time with both.

D also has a reputation for her spontanious, unintentional humour. A few weeks ago my husband and I decided it was okay for my eldest daughter to stay home while we shopped for groceries. As we were getting our shoes on Delaney looked at us and said 'Are we seriously doing this?'. This may not seem funny but coming from a 5 year old with a lisp it is hilarious. Once, after racing my mother to the door she looked up and said 'you don't run much do you ma?'. She had my mother in tears laughing. 'No Delaney' my mom replied 'I don't'.

Over the years we have put Delaney in dance, soccer and this year baseball. It is sometimes difficult for her to start a new activity but once she is comfortable she finds a love for everything she tries. In soccer she loves to run, in dance she loves to move to the music and who knows what baseball will bring out in her. Hopefully it isn't just picking daisies in the outfield.

Ultimately Delaney is my dose of daily joy. My favourite moment of the day is when she wakes up and calls my name. I go in and she puts her arms around my neck and smiles and that's all it takes. I am blissful. She is sunshine in human form and I don't know what I would do without her. I am enjoying watching her grow as a person and am excited for the life she has ahead of her. Thank you Delaney for your love, your warmth, your humour, your boundless energy and your easy going nature. I know that this family would not be the same if you had not come into our lives. I love you little D.

MY OWN LITTLE SAINT RHEA

In an effort to reduce monthly costs my husband and I decided to pull our 5 year old daughter from daycare. The move has saved us $300 a month. On the days that my children are in school I pick them up and my oldest daughter entertains my 5 year old.. I continue to work while my children are at home which has proven to be a challenge but definietly worth the effort. My mother helps out when she can which allows me to get more work done but the real hero in this story is my eldest daughter Rhea. Without her help none of this would be possible.

Everyday Rhea comes home from school and helps me watch and entertain her younger sister. It may seem like an easy task but I know from personal experience that Delaney is a very 'hands on' experience. She is a great kid but she does not like to be left idol for too long and gets bored without someone to play with (like most kids her age). So Rhea balances her homework time with play time and does it with ease. She is always kind and patient but also makes it clear to Delaney that there are rules and limits to her demands.

All of this comes from Rhea's kind disposition. Even as a baby she busied herself by ensuring the happiness of the other infants. If a soother managed to pop out she would crawl over and pop it back in (sometimes it was more of a shove but the intention was there). As a toddler the sound of a baby crying caused her great concern. She would point in the general direction and say 'baby cry' and start walking towards the wailing, wanting to try to calm them.

Making friends for Rhea has always been easy because she is so loving and accepting of everyone she meets. She does not judge or hesitate, she embraces people as they are and makes extra efforts to make people feel welcome. She always sees the good in her classmates and friends no matter what the situation. I sometimes want to tell her 'not everyone has the best intentions' but I so admire her pure heart I don't want to spoil her.

Rhea has always been able to adapt to any situation. She loved daycare and never fussed, she loves school even more, she joins in extra-curricular activities a without a second thought and she continues to press forward in life without hesitation.

Rhea is a remarkable young woman. Even now I have tears in my eyes when I think about how blessed I am to have such a wonderful daughter. Everyday she inspires me to be more adventurous in my persuits, kinder with my words and patient with others. Thank you Rhea for everything you do not just for your family but for everyone who is fortunate enough to have you in their lives.

IT'S NOT THE END OF THE WORLD...ERR I MEAN FOOD WOMAN!

So once again I am going to complain about being broke. For good measure I am going to examine how being broke effects my eating. I know what you're thinking 'oh great here she goes again. Trust me this is interesting. I'll even talk a bit about my life growing up. Not too much mind you. I am saving that for when we get to know each other better. I don't want to scare you off after only our second week of blog dating:)

I was raised by my mother the Great Heather M. She worked her but off to put a roof over our head, clothes on our back and food on the table. It was hard. She worked 2 jobs at one time AND went back to school to become a Health Care Aid. I am very proud of my mother. Still it was very difficult to raise 2 teenage girls with no financial support and low wage jobs so there were times we went without. We never were without food or shelter but there were many times we had to make due with what we had.

Most days we ate pre-packaged food because that was all we could afford. We ate things like Kraft Dinner, Chicken cutlets, and other food that was packaged on styrofoam trays (which I now have an aversion to). I even remember trying to make spaghetti sauce out of ketchup. My sister can appreciate just how disguisting this was.

I can say I learned to be creative in the kitchen...but I also developed some very bad eating habits.

I always felt like I had to eat what was in the fridge while it was there. I knew it wasn't going to go bad but I was afraid there wouldn't be enough later. I'm not certain if this was some sort of primal misguided survival instinct but this is the reaction I chose. I think to a certain degree I still have this bizarre behaviour. There is a certain anxiety I feel around food and that there may be a lack of it. I know a friend of mine who was quite poor growing up. Now she has a need to pack her fridge and I mean PACK! You cannot see the back for food and every spare inch of her storage is filled with paper towell, toilet paper and feminie products. If there is ever an apocalypse I know the safest place to be is this woman's cold cellar cuz DAMN it is choc full O goodness!

When the cupboards are looking a bit sparse in our house I feel tense. I suppose I am afraid the next time I open it there may be nothing. I get tense and anxious which is similar to what I felt in high school and as a result I eat. To add to the problem I feel this tension more than just over food. This tension happens when there is little money, when I can't have something I want, when I have a deadline I am afraid I won't make...in all of these situations I eat.

I know that this all seems a bit far fetched but really it just comes down to feelings. Tension causes panic, causes overeating. This is just another que I have to be aware of next time I am in any of these situations. I guess it helps to be mindful of it now so next time we only have one slice of bread or one piece of bacon I don't get the urge to snatch it up in my greedy paws and devour it like a starving T-Rex. It's in these moments I need to be more aware of my physical self and say 'you're not hungry crazy woman. Step away from the fridge'.

Thanks again for listening everyone!

TRIMMING THE FAT

I am going to the gym today to divert one of my payments to June. When I originally signed up for this 'training' I explained to the bloke that I was self-employed and making the payments every month would be tricky. I was told at that time that diverting a payment would be 'no big deal'. So here we are - I need to divert a payment and the fallout is ridiculous.

I have been called almost daily to come in and sign a revised contract. I understand this and have no problem doing it buy unfortunately I have not been available to come in. I had the flu then my daughther had her first dance competition. The person I need to meet with is only in the office until 4 pm so we missed each other. Now I am being treated with condescension and disregard. It seems quite obvious to me the concept of 'valued customer' does not extend beyond 30 days past due.

Let's back this up to February 2009. Like many of us I decided it was time to join a gym. I needed to lose a substantial amount of weight (120 pounds - soak that in) and thought this was the best way to do it. As part of my membership I was asked to do a fitness assessment. Seems reasonable enough if the intention of the assessment is to ensure you are on the right 'fitness path'. What the assessment was really about was an opportunity to guilt me into paying for personal training. At the time I told the sales guy (because that's all he really was) that I could not afford it. I explained to him that I just bought a new car and that was putting enough strain on our budget. He asked why I cared more about my car then I did about myself. I was feeling bad about myself before I walked into this assessment now I felt worse. I asked him for a smaller package and he said that nothing else would 'work for me'. I needed to sign on for at least 96 sessions at a cost of $4,600 in order for me to maximize the benefits.

I went home and discussed it with my husband and we both decided that my health was more important and we bought the sessions.

At first my trainer was amazing! I loved her! She made me WANT to work out. She understood me and my needs and supported me. She worked with me to obtain my goals and I loved every minute of it! And just as I was comfortable and happy my trainer announced that she was leaving the gym. One of the other trainers had offered to take me on. I was heartbroken. Going to the gym was difficult and intimidating and uncomfortable for me and Cheryl had changed that for me. Now I was faced with starting all over again.

In walks my new trainer. We'll call her Sue. She was a nice girl, 29 years old, ambitious and fit. At first she acted excited and interested but soon her interest became contrived. She stopped asking about me or my life, she NEVER weighed me or took my measurements, I asked for a diet and she would not give me one (I am 120 pounds overweight - i need a diet!) and to top it all off she did nothing but talk about her boyfriend's ex-wife and his kids. I felt like I was paying her to listen to her problems. Normally I want to be supportive of people but when I am paying someone to get me in shape and they yawn throughout the session and talk about themselves for an hour on my dime - well now that gets under my skin just a tad...

I started going to the gym less and less. I tried to set up times to go with my friends but we couldn't get it to work. I didn't want to train with my trainer and I was and still am too self-conscious to go by myself AND I am paying for my sessions.

Now it is April of 2010 and i have 17 sessions left. I have decided to give them to my sister because I know she will love them and I could get some money back for it. Needless to say she cannot use them because I have deferred a payment and my sessions have been put on hold until arrangements for the payment can be made (which I am doing today). Now I have to endure more humiliation and meet with the woman at the gym with my hat in my hand in an attempt to get my sessions out of lockdown.

This is not to say I have given up entirely on the gym. I love to swim and want to go to the pool but as I mentioned I am very overweight. It takes an enormous amount of effort for me to appear in a bathing suit at my size. My worse nightmare is to see someone I know, and being in a small town the odds of that happening are about 99.9%. Even worse would be to see someone I dated in high school (which has already happened BTW). I know I can get back on the horse because I always do. I just wish I didn't have to have an audience watching my fat ass swing over the saddle while I do it!

PUFF UP, PUFF UP - THEY HATE THAT!

It's 9:54 am and I have spent the last 30 minutes battling my email. For whatever reason Vista does not like Outlook today - the technological example of a family feud. On top of that there was a message on the phone for my past due student loan payment...And it starts. I also have some work to do which helps to move the day along. The problem is that the work I do now will not pay for another 30 to 60 days. I find that this is when my debt accumulates - when I am waiting for payment. Plus business was slow last month so I won't make very much this month. Yet another contributing factor to the never ending mountain of debt.


Part of this journey is to find a way to alleviate some of my debt. The first step is to talk to a debt management consultant. Tonight my husband and I need to sit down and write out all of our debt and assets (yikes) and present them to the consultant to come up with an action plan.

I also need to address how I got here in the first place. A debt not examined is not worth accumulating...or something like that. But that is a story for another day. Today i will cook Pork Pies with puff pastry tops. Yummy.

KITCHEN EFFICIENCY TIP: Get to know your butcher. I was buying meat from a grocery store whose overall price was cheaper but I was getting a bad cut of beef and incorrect portions. I tell my butcher how many people I am feeding and he gives me what I need. I save a lot of money that way and everyone is eating proper portion sizes.

Basting in it

Today is the first of many days I will attempt to distract myself from the constant reminder that my finances are in absolute turmoil. As a result of the recent recession my business has been hit hard and my income has been reduced by almost 50%. Unfortunately my debt has not been reduced in the same capacity. As a result I find myself embroiled in the daily reminders of my financial strife. From credit company phone calls to the threat of my phone being cut off and not to mention the fact I owe the government a large amount of money for my taxes - there is no escaping the fact that I am in serious trouble.

So, in order to do things like sleep, eat, breathe and think without drowning in stress i am exploring as many different ways to distract myself from my fate in order to save my sanity.

Phase One: Cooking...

Today I am cooking/smoking a whole roasting chicken stuffed with apple stuffing, served with potatoes croquettes and Edwardian vegetables steamed and served with Danish bacon. This meal is enough to feed my family of 4 for 2 days. The overall cost is approximately $25 which breaks down to 12.50 per meal. I am not just trying to distract myself I am also trying to save money. Every penny counts while I try to dig myself out of my current dilemma.