DIARY OF A WIMPY MIDDLE-AGE SUBURBAN HOUSEWIFE

I've been considering this blog for quite some time now. You see my girls have both had their experiences with bullies over the past year. I have had friends whose children have had the same problem.

When I first heard my youngest daughter was being bullied on the bus I wanted to smack the kid that was doing it. I know this is wrong and I have since changed my perspective but my first instinct is to physically protect my child. You see the boy that was bullying my then 4 year old child was 9 years old. He made a rhyme saying he was going to 'put a gun to her head, pull the trigger and  she's dead'.

The most perplexing aspect of this case of bullying is that the boy is our neighbour. Prior to this we had had him over to swim and roast marshmallows. I invited him into our home and he managed to charm us all. Then, when I heard what he said to my youngest child I was devastated. I felt betrayed but most of all I was frightened by the level of cunning displayed by a boy so young. I couldn't help but think about incidents like Columbine. No one suspected those boys were capable of committing such atrocities. This may seem far fetched for me to be considering now but imagine if the someone had thought the same thing before those boys shot all of those poor innocent children. It may have been prevented.

It's this sort of thing that stokes the fire in my belly and causes me to seethe with anger. I want the kid to be punished. Someone needs to pay. My children should not have to tolerate this abuse and I sure as hell am not going to allow this to happen...BUT it's not always that simple.

In the case of my 5 year old - now that I have had time to digest it and get to know the boy I can honestly say I don't think he understood the gravity of what he was saying. Plus I think he was being pressured by other boys on the bus. My daughter wanted to sit with the boy and paid him a lot of attention. As a result some of the other boys started making fun of him. To protect his own ego he started making fun of my daughter. Although he should not have done that regardless there was a reason for what he was saying. I am trying to understand his position more but still - if he was my son there would be some serious consequences for what he did. As it is, he did not recieve any punishment besides a talking to and a call home.

Now this year my eldest daughter was being made fun of and once again we knew the person. Because they are friends of ours I won't go into details but suffice it to say, once again, I was furious. I wanted to step in and protect my child. Especially when my daughter is BEGGING me to step in. She is also having nightmares. So I do the only thing I can do - I talk to the teacher and the child's mother.

At this time I believe the situation with my eldest daughter has been resolved but I still worry. I don't want her to feel centred out by others. I don't want other kids to laugh at her. Especially when frankly I don't see anything to laugh at. My daughter is beautiful and brilliant and kind. The only reason for the bullying that I can think of is jealousy. Often when people are trying to make others feel bad it is in a twisted attempt to make them feel better about themselves. It's also deflecting and it happens quite a bit with children (and adults that never truly grow up).

The hardest pill to swallow is the advice that I am forced to give my children. I tell them to ignore it. To turn the other cheek and be the bigger person but how can I ask them to do something I could not do myself. You see I myself was bullied when I was a child. Boys from my school would follow me home and call me fat. I retaliated by saying something to this day I feel terrible about. I also had to pretend I was okay when I got home so my father wouldn't go off the deep end and go run the boys down with our car. I suppose that is why I am telling my children to do just the opposite of what I did. I don't want them to regret hurting someone else's feelings. I also don't want them to think that bullying back will solve anything. I know I am telling them the right thing to do but when I remember how hard it was to be a kid being bullied I wonder if I am giving them the right advice. How can you explain to a playground full of 10 year old boys and girls that YOU are taking the moral high ground and that in 10 years everyone will realize that you are doing the right thing. PLEASE! In 10 years there is a good chance most of those kids will STILL be bullies they'll just be bigger, older and better at it.

So here I am - a wimpy middle-aged suburban  housewife doling out advice to my kids like fortune cookies but not able to really help them. I feel let down by the system and societies rules and niceties. We are not permitted to defend our children. We aren't even supposed to tell them to defend themselves. The problem with this theory is that there are more bullies out there and we are continuing to teach our children to be victims. Be brave. Stiff upper lip. Turn the other cheek. What we are really telling them is " Just try to take as much as you can without letting it destroy your self image or ruin your childhood until the adult world can get their heads out of their asses and deal with these bullies, and their parents, because the parents are the REAL problem'.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

This Cake is from Cake Opera Co. in Toronto.
Check them out at cakeoperaco.com

Today I am 39 years old. 39. Say it. Let it wash over you. Let it sink into your subconscious and bounce around for a while. Is age just a number? Is it a mark of us getting that much older?

No.

It's a reason to celebrate another year of successes and failures. It's a day to remember the joy in life as well as the pain. A birthday is like New Year's eve. Say thanks to the universe and celebrate your blessings and wash away the negative to emerge anew and take another path.

Today I think about the people in my life. I think how lucky I am to have them and to know that, through thick and thin, I can count on their support. I think about my family and how blessed I am to have them in my life. To feel their love everyday. I am blessed with 2 wonderful children and a truly caring and understanding husband. I am blessed with supportive friends who want nothing but the best for me.

So today is not about the wrinkles and sags and whatever 'perceived' signs aging provides. I am reminded of the years spent having joy in my life. The fact that in spite of all the obstacles and difficulties I have faced over the year, I am here, still smiling. And if next year when 40 approaches I can say the same thing - I will welcome that birthday with open arms.

Thank you everyone for a wonderful year!

YOU'RE GOOD ENOUGH, YOU'RE SMART ENOUGH, AND GOSH DARN IT, PEOPLE LIKE YOU

I started reading a new book last night. "Women, Food and God". I had a good friend recommend it to me. When I went to find it and discovered that it was $28 to purchase it at Coles..well that put me off  of it for a while. Not to mention the use of the word God in the title. That will scare most of us 'spiritual' types away everytime. I imagined it was going to be yet another journey to find the one true higher power. A concept I whole heartedly do not believe in.

So a few days ago I found my self at the wal (AKA Wal-Mart) where my eldest daughter was on a search for the next Vampire Diaries novel. And there the book was again. Staring me in the face saying "well I am 30% off here. Are you going to read me or not?" I decided to take my meager allowance and splurge on my first hardcover book since the Twilight series. As a reward for my troubles I found at the cash register the book was actually half price. Bravo you bargain diva!

So I took the book home and placed it on my nightstand to read before I went to bed. For the entire evening I thought "I need to get up there and start reading so I can start healing myself and get on with my life." So by 9pm I was in my jammies and snuggled up with my new book and within a few pages I realized that it was not what  I had been expecting.

Right away the author explains that this book is about our 'divine' relationship with food. She uses the term God because it is one that is universally recognized as a 'higher power' but not THE higher power. Phew. What a relief. I can read on. She also goes on to discuss food and diet and our need to 'fix' ourselves through whatever means but usually  along the route of weight loss. She also talks about always rushing to get to the next thing. I am doing it right now. I am rushing my description of the book so I can get to the next paragraph. Even as I make a lasagna I am rushing the cooking of the meat so I can move on the the layering and then the cooking and then, of course the eating. Rush. Rush. Rush.

It's in that chapter that I realize part of my problem. I have never lived in the moment. I have never stopped to enjoy the hear and now. I am always working my way to the next goal. I can remember rushing projects in school because I became anxious about missing the deadline. I remember feeling resentful towards people who handed everyting in late but stil got better grades. Lets face it. It's because they took their time. I was so consumed by the deadline I didn't put the time into the project and given it 100% of myself.

As I child I was always worried about being late. I was like the white rabbit running around checking my watch constantly but never seeming to arrive anywhere. Off to school! Don't be late! You have an appointment don't be late! Let's do lunch! Don't be late! The problem with obsessing with my potential tardiness has led me to being excessively early to everything. I am always early for appointments, meetings, dinner. Once I have arrived at my desitnation I spend those extra 10 or 15 minutes contemplated whether the person I am meeting will be late too. It seems no one is safe from my obsessing.

So here I am peering at this book wondering "Is it really that simple?" Do I just LET GO and be free and stop obsessing? Do I just learn to love myself and everything will be fine? Probably not but I will say one thing. It is one hell of a place to start.

Imagine if everyday you looked in the mirror and instead of seeing all that you perceive to be wrong with you physically and instead you saw all of the beauty your love ones and friends see.

 I remember one day in science class my teacher brought in one those mirrors that lets you see yourself as other see you. Normal mirrors reverse what is actually there whereas this mirror reversed it again so that you could see your actual likeness. I could not believe how different I looked through that mirror. Most of our perceptions of ourselves are equally as distorted. We judge what we see. We concentrate on what we perceive as broken. Imagine seeing past the celulite and the saddle bags and the beginnings of crows feet. Imagine having the ability to peer deep insider yourself and recognize and appreciate the person you are without all of that emotional baggage that has manifested from an unhealthy body image. Imagine how free and liberated you would be if you could see that you don't need to fix you because you are not broken.

I spoke to a good friend today about another one of my obsessive behaviours. You see I have never considered myself to be a particlularly nice person. I am always concerned that I haven't been as tolerant or as forgiving as I should be. Once again I have found something else to fix. But I have come to realize that I will never be a saint but I am certainly no devil either. I am realizing that I can be kind but not allow myself to be taken advantage of either. I can assert myself in other ways.

All this enlightenment. All this realization and I am only 100 pages in! Normally I would try to anticipate 'What's next! What's next!'. Instead I am going to work on what it in front of me now. I have made some intense realizations about myself. Whether or not they all stem back to my relationship with food remains to be seen but I have an inkling they will. But that is not for me to speculate about now. Now I am going enjoy the quiet of my home. I am going to enjoy the smell of the beef as it simmers on the stove. I am going to listen to the bird that is singing in outside my window. And somewhere, deep inside myself, I will try to find the serenity to not kill the fly that continues to buzz around my head and drive me crazy! Hey, even Gandhi would be rolling up the newspaper right now...or would he...either way he can decide for himself and so can I.

NO MORE!

On the morning of September 20th I go for my first appointment before I have my bariatric surgery. There are 4 to 6 appointments I must go to which can take up to 9 months. It's been a long road to get this far. 3 years of trying to get on a list for surgery. This was always 'my last option'. I joined a gym, hired a trainer, went to meetings, spoke to nutritionists, starved myself, reduced carbs, fat, dairy, stopped eating red meat, stopped eating white flour, stopped eathing all together, drinking more water...you name it, I have done it all.

Food isn't just food for me. It's comfort. I have been an emotional eater all my life. I can remember my parents would order KFC on Thursday when dad got paid and every Friday we would get a treat from the store. These were the best days of the week. I won't talk about the bad stuff that went on in my house but it left me clinging to anything that brought even the most minute ounce of joy. This is the beginning of my obsession with food.

I was always a chubby child especially when compared with my rather thin sister. People including my family would comment on my weight. It was so bad they sent me to Weight Watchers when I was 8 years old. At the meeting they told me that I needed to eat more just healthier choices. That was possibly the most idiotic thing I had ever heard. What choices was I able to make. I ate what I was given and I was FORCED to clean my plate every time I sat at the table. So now I am completely confused. I am told that I should not eat so much by my family but here were the experts telling me I didn't eat enough. I just didn't know what to do.

All these years of denying my body food or overindulging resulted in obsessing. Even when I wasn't eating  I was worried about when I was going to eat next, what it would be, how many calories I would be consuming. It just never ended. And when I did not obsess about what I was eating and tracking my food consumption I began to gain weight. Let's face it - weight and food have ruled my life ever since that first Weight Watchers meeting 30 years ago.

I guess I am just tired of everyone telling me what I NEED to do to lose weight. The last thing I NEED is for someone else to parade their ignorant assumptions about me and my weight by telling me how to diet, what new fad I should try, and how I should live my life. Really it all measures up to the underlying message that is contained with each sentence. The message that says "You are fat. Stop eating." Trust me I've even tried the starvation route and that doesn't always work out.

It also seems that if I am not constantly 'dieting' people look at me with suspicion. Like 'are you sure you should be eating that fatty?' It's not like I am scarfing down fries every chance I get. I only eat fast food MAYBE 6 times a year. I have a chocolate bar once a week. I am not a huge chip fan. I can live with just a cup. I eat fruit and veg every day. Yes I could eat more of them AND drink more water but who couldn't. I mean the majority of our society does not eat right, excercise and watch their food intake but because they are not fat then it doesn't seem to matter.

I am sick to death of feeling like I have to EXPLAIN myself because I am fat. I am sick of  feeling like I am the only one at the birthday party that is not ALLOWED to have cake because I am fat. I am sick to death of feeling like I have to EXPLAIN myself everytime I eat something that might be bad for me. Most of all I am sick to death of living my life by what rules everyone else thinks I should follow.

From now on I am going to make healthy choices as much as I can. Yes I will have bad days but that is no one's business but mine. If you catch me eating a piece of cake or a donought I DON'T OWE YOU AN EXPLANATION! I don't owe you shit. It's my life. I don't tell you how to live yours so don't tell me how to live mine. And don't  tell me you are 'concerned' about my health. If you were concerned about me you would ask me how I am feeling not WHY, WHAT AND HOW MUCH I AM EATING!

So I am done with being told how to live my life. I am done being judged by others. I am done with that condescending voice both in my head and out of it telling me what to do. From now on I am going to make decisions not based on what other people will think but what I will think because really I am the one who has to live withe consequences...no one else. And for the record, my kids and husband NEVER obsess about what I am eating. They love me just the way I am. They don't see me as fat - they see me as me. So what does that tell you?

English Speak Making Hardness

Wow - what a week. I am exhausted. On Tuesday the girls went back to school and I started a new part-time job. On top of that I had 5 commercials to finish by end of day Friday. Not to mention I have a presentation to finish this weekend AND it's my 12 year wedding anniversary on Sunday. I confess I have nothing left. I am drained, beat, done. All I want is a soft fluffy pillow, a good book, my fuzzy jammies and a cool autumn breeze wafting through my bedroom window. Now that's my idea of heaven.

But it is not to be quite yet. I am still working. Right now I am waiting for a file to upload for a client who emailed me 2 hours ago and said "by the way this start monday. Can you make sure it gets to the right people? Thanks". What she should have said was "Can you finish this job for me because I am already sipping Marguerittas from my ocean view on the westcoast and I couldn't possibly pull myself away from such joy. I mean it's not like you have a life outside of your basement. You only have 2 kids, 2 dogs, 3 rabbits, a husband, a home to clean, mounds of laundry to do and other deadlines but hey...I'm the client and that's not my problem."

Whoa did I spiral there or what?

So now I am going to spend a few pleasant hours with my friends and hopefully I will be able to maintain a somewhat intelligent conversation without causing them to further question my intelligence based on my slaughtering of the English language due to sleep deprivation.

I don't even know what I am saying anymore.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Talk soon! Love ya!!!!

ONCE APON A TIME - Inspired by actual events

It's 7 AM and I am pouring a hot cup of tea at my kitchen counter. I love that smell. I love it even more when it is mingled with the scent of fresh morning air as it wafts through the window. It reminds of our family vacations when we would go to Restoule and stay in the cottage. I find it relaxing and intoxicating. It puts my mind at ease. It reminds me that I should wake up earlier more often.

I have some work to do in the office today. I also have a wooden sign to paint for a client. Between the two it is a nice mix of computer and hands on creativity which I love. It's not often I get an opportunity to paint. Recently a client of mine asked me to design a logo for his barbecue company as well as develop a wooden sign (with the help of my husband of course). I have finished the airbrushed fire effect on the letters and now I just have the finishing touches. I need to cover the edges of the letters in black paint so it's not too mentally challenging but I do have to concentrate. It allows me the opportunity for my mind to wonder elsewhere and consider other aspects of my life.

For some time now I have wanted to write a book. I am sure there are many people out there in the world who have considered this at one point or another but I just feel this is something I have to do. Actually I have already begun which is a huge step because procrastination is definitely my strong suit. My issue is balancing between what is real and what is imaginary. What I mean is this - Do I talk about my own life and experiences or do I embellish? I have ofter heard it said that you should write what you know but I would like what I write to also have an air of the unknown - you know?

Writing for me has also been a way to escape the every day. It's an opportunity to re-invent yourself. To become what you have always wanted to be. It is also an opportunity to express a bit of your true self. The one that exists inside your head that you may or may not share with everyone every day. You don't have to edit your thoughts for others. This is a chance to express your true feelings freely. But in doing so you also risk hurting those you love. For example, I can pretend that I am writing about some other woman who has a sister that is mean to her but MY sister will of course draw a parallel to herself and assume I am writing about her. Whether I am or not is irrelevant because the outcome will be the same. So now I feel compelled to say that I have a nice sister. But do I have to illustrate everyone in my story in the same light? If I did that would be one of the most flaccid books ever written. It would be like the movie Pleasantville without adding the coloured bits.

So now I am left considering how to proceed. Do I write for myself or do I write for others. Yes I would like people to enjoy my book. I want them to get lost in the characters, feel their pain and joy but I surely don't want to cause my loved ones any emotional discomfort while doing it.

I think I know what I am going to do. I just want you all to know that before I made my decision I did consider other people's feelings. I did not just charge ahead and write whatever I wanted to without any consideration for anyone but myself (yes I have been accused of this in the past). I am thinking of others when I am writing but I must also think about myself. This is my opportunity to express how I feel too - good and bad. So hopefully some of you will read my book when it is finished and derive some pleasure from reading it. Maybe even some pain but know this. If I hurt your feelings I apologize but this is just how I perceive life to be. Not how it actually is. Confused? Good - Me too.

I JUST WANT THE TRUTH

We as a society are bathing in the lies we are told - from all directions. From advertising to politics to industry and business. Everywhere I turn I see it and it is frightening how easy it is for them to tell the lies and for us to believe them.

In advertising it can start as a little lie. A mascara commercial claims that you will have longer fuller lashes but look closely. 9 times out of 10 there is a disclaimer at the bottom of the screen stating that the lashes are a dramatization. What does that mean? Just that the lashes probably fake - stuck on or computer enhanced but they are not real. Now it's up to us. Is this a harmless little white lie, or is this the first step on a very slippery slope.

In Canada we have advertising standards. It ensures that there is 'truth' in advertising. It regulates advertising so that we are not 'lied' to. We may not be flat out lied to but we are certainly deceived. One such scam is life insurance. THere is currently an ad on television for a Canadian Insurance Company. It is clearly aimed at the elderly. It preys on guilt the elderly would feel if they were to leave any debts or financial responsibilities to their family should they pass. They claim that no one is turned down and you don't need a medical. What they fail to tell you that in the province of Ontario underwriting is legal. What this means is that if you die of a 'pre-existing condition' they do not have to pay your policy. They don't give you an exam and in order to cover the small 'oversight' on their part they add a clause that allows them not have to pay out if you say have diabetes and die due to ANY condition that could be linked to that condition. If it is determined that you did die from a pre-existing condition your 'loved ones' will not receive payment on the policy but will reimburse your premiums. I can't even say they would guarantee that and given the opportunity I am sure the insurance company would also choose to keep the premiums.

But the lies don't end there.

7 years ago we bought our first house in Hamilton. When we moved in a few of our neighbours pointed out that there were lead pipes leading to most of the homes. They suggested that we get our water tested to see if there were any issues with the water. We called the city and they confirmed that our pipe was in fact lead and would test our water for free. Some weeks later we received a letter from the lab stating that there were high traces of lead in the water and that we should not drink it. We called the city and told them. We replaced our pipe (out of our pocket) leading to the house. Once that was done an inspector came to confirm that we had done our part before the city would replace their part. When we told the city rep about the report we received and that we shouldn't drink the water he became belligerent. He said the water was just fine to drink and that he did not believe the letter we received stated that. I knew why he was acting this way. Deniability. As long as they admit no knowledge of wrong doing they cannot be liable for any damage done.

Something similar happened to my mother-in-law. She kept having floods in her basement because the pipes would back up from the streets. It wasn't just her, it was her entire street. Rather than admitting that it was the pipes and replacing them the city continued to patch them up. My mother-in-law's basement flooded a half a dozen times before the city would do anything about it. They agreed to replace the main on her street. They gave each resident $2,000 but forced them to each sign a document stating that upon accepting this deal they would also agree not to sue the city. Left with no other choice my mother-in-law signed. The money didn't even cover all of her deductibles she had to pay over the years. To top it all off she was told by her insurance company that if she was to have another flood she would no longer be covered.

Even the people who sold us our house lied to us. When we purchased our home the previous home owner signed a document stating that there were no water leakage issues in the basement that they were aware of. They seemed like a nice couple so we believed them. Between the time we bought the house and took possession the homeowners called us to say they had a flood but swore this had never happened before and would look after it. We took them at their word. A month or 2 later we took possession of the home. That winter was very cold and the ground froze solid. We had frequent freeze and thaw which resulted in quite a bit of water on the ground. We immediately started getting floods practically every week. My husband discovered that the previous homeowners had covered up a large hole in the wall with drywall so the inspector did not see it. We also discovered that there some serious leaks in the crawlspace. We had flood after flood. It became quite apparent to us that the nice old couple we bought our home from had lied. I know we could have gone to our lawyer to get them to pay for the repair but by the time we finished paying the lawyer it would be cheaper to just fix it ourselves - a fact I am sure this couple was fully aware of.

All of these lies - little white lies to the big whale is for one reason - money. There was once a day that your character held more value than your bank account. I miss those days when a handshake or a person's word was enough but that is no longer the case. It seems even a contract won't hold someone to their word if they can find a way to weasel their way out of it. Sometimes it seems that we are powerless to do anything about this but there is. Don't buy products that are dishonest about their results. Write to them via their website and tell them that you are choosing not to buy their product because it is being misrepresented in advertising. Be aware and vigilant when you are purchasing insurance. Don't back down to the bureaucracy when they tell you they won't pay. My mother-in-law may have been forced to sign that document but up to that point she fought tooth and nail just to get that much. She called her city rep every day until he did something about it. Let people know that you have caught them in a lie. Whether or not they deny it they will know that you are onto them. Another way to fight this epidemic is to continue to be honest yourself in your personal life and your business life. I know that when I feel i haven't been completely honest with someone I feel guilt. I can carry that guilt for years and it eats away at me. It makes me realize that the lie or the deception may have benefited me in the short term but in the long run it does more damage.

I don't usually take this tone with my blog. I don't like to be on a soap box but this is something I feel very strongly about. I feel like this is a slippery slope that could lead to our detriment. I think if we are vigilant and aware of the current climate we can avoid it getting worse. We can stop the envelope from being pushed any further. We can say enough is enough. Maybe this is just my own paranoia, maybe I am right on the nose. What I do know is that I could definitely use a little more truth in my life.