WHAT TIME IS IT?

This morning I woke up at 5:30 am. I know for some of you who do this every day this is a small accomplishment but for me it is huge. Allow me to explain why.

I have had sleep apnea for 10 years - since I was pregnant with my first child. This causes me to wake several times each hour because I stop breathing. For a good 7 years I thought I was waking up because I had to pee (a sign you have sleep apnea). As it turns out it was because I was not breathing and my body was waking me up.

Another factor affecting my sleep is bizarre dreams that wake me up in the night. I have been chased by killer nuns, hunted by the spirits of angry children in attics, grabbed by a giant gorilla under the Lorne Bridge and flown the skies of imaginary worlds more times than I would like to admit. Although these dreams range from terrifying to resplendent I find the sleep I do get during these dreams is fitful and interrupted. I realize you are now probably thinking 'this woman needs a shrink' but there you have it - warts and all, this is how my brain works.

Anyway, needless to say most mornings I wake up wanting to go back to bed. If I had awoke at this time on any other day I would have covered my head and prayed to return to la-la land. But last night was different. Last night I slept from 10:15 pm until 5:30 am and I did not get up once. It's hard to say if I woke up or not without a sleep study test, but I know I never left my bed. This is huge for me!

Already I have gotten dressed, did my makeup, my hair, baked a loaf of bread, made the kids breakfast, had breakfast myself AND watched an episode of Destination Truth. And it is only 7:30. Now I can also say I finished my blog too. I only hope this energy lasts for the entire day so that I can get everything done that I need to do.

Now I am off to watch Handy Manny with the kids, walk to school, put in a full days work and drive to Hamilton to see my neice before she gets on a plane to England. Maybe I can throw in some plant shopping with my friend Tracy, do my taxes AND pay all the bills too! Well, let's not go too far.

Have a great day everyone!

JUST KEEP ON SWIMMING!

I am at a crossroads in on my path towards better health. Last week I committed to tracking my food and exercising everyday but to be completely honest with myself I have not been on the ball most of the time. I have not been tracking my calories as acurately as I should have AND I have not walked to school everyday so I can't really say I have 100% kept to my word. I must also confess that I have been scale jumping.

I have been weighing myself everyday (shame) and I have been losing weight so I thought 'no harm done'. Well that theory blew up in my face this morning when I got on the scale and saw that I have only lost .6 - that's point six pounds this week. I have been super concious of what I eat and when I eat it. I have cut out snacking at night which was very difficult and I was especially good yesterday because I knew today was the 'official' weigh in day and I wanted to see some BIG numbers. Needless to say I felt discouraged.

Now I have to take a bit of my own advice. A friend of mine is facing the same uphill battle and I told her 'don't pay attention to the number on the scale'. This journey is about making changes. I may not see the results on the scales but I feel the results on the inside. I feel like I am taking control of my life and my lifestyle just by not letting my emotions control my eating. I am making choices that honour my spirit and my body which is what this journey is about for me. This wasn't supposed to be about the numbers - it was about healthy living but again I have put the emphasis on the outside rather than the inside.

So I am vowing again to myself to continue on the path towards healthy living. I will continue to make better food choices, exercise more and don't let my emotions dictate the decision of when to eat. It really is difficult to change an attitude that has been engrained in my psyche for 30 years and I can't expect this to be undone in 3 short weeks. Everyday I am making progress and for that I have to give myself credit. I can't continually point out my shortfalls without recognizing the accomplishments or I will never find the strength to continue on this journey.

So to the scales I say 'goodbye for now'. I am putting them in storage and I will only weigh myself once a month. I will continue to find ways to exercise everyday even if it is dancing in the living room with the kids, and I will continue to make healthy choices by being aware of my emotions and not letting them lead me to the fridge.

WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY PRECIOUS???

I wasn't quite sure what I wanted to talk about today. At first I wanted to talk about aging and the things your mother didn't tell you. Then I thought about maybe writing a short work of fiction. All of this changed when my Macbook CRASHED!!!

For those of you who know me very well you will know that my Mac is like my 'precious'. It goes eveywhere with me and I do everything on it. If it wasn't for my Mac I would practically live in my basement because I am always on the computer.

Just for good measure I recently switched all of my bookkeeping to my Mac. I have a backup but now I have to install my software somewhere else and try to get my files working so I can do my month end invoicing AND my taxes!

And to add insult to injury, when I went to Future Shop to have my computer 'shipped away' to be repaired - there was an enormous display of cases with 10 foot tall blue people on the cover. You guessed it - I walked smack into a WALL of Avatar. While I was waiting for the technician to package up my baby and ship it off I couldn't help but wander over to the display and caress the boxes and wonder 'Will you ever be mine?' ...hahummm....anyway...moving on...

Once the moment passed and the technician assured me everything was 'fine' and my warranty would cover everything (which NEVER happens when my PC breaks) I slumped back to my car and drove back to my lonely empty dungeon - mac-less. sigh....

So I would like to take this opportunity to mourn my precious because I am going to miss her while she is gone. We spend so much time farming and cooking and playing Family Feud. Life will seem empty and meaningless without her.

I am just kidding...geeze I am not that pathetic! I'll just pick up a good book, go for a walk or watch about 10 hours of Ghost Hunters and Destination Truth everyday until my precious comes back to me! Okay now that IS pathetic!

DING DONG...AVON CALLING

As many of you know I have been working towards reducing my overall debt load. Once my daughter has finished her competitive dance season (AKA mortgage payment) in May I will be looking for a part time job. I have also put it out there that I would not be adverse to taking something permanent full time or contract in my field. So far both have been very productive. I have a couple of potential leads on jobs which will allow me to continue working freelance, and work part time which will give me a regular pay cheque. YAY!

I have also decided to sell Avon. I have always liked the product and think it is reasonably priced. It also gives me the opportunity to get out and socialize rather than hang out in my basement all day talking to my bunnies and my dogs. So needless to say if you need Avon products I am your woman. If not - I am still your friend;-)

I have had a long relationship with cosmetics. From the age of 10 I can recall playing with my mom's makeup and trying on her blue eye shadow and pink lipstick. I just loved to play with colour. Perhaps this is where my love for painting comes from for my canvas was once my own face.

Over the years I have enjoyed the feeling of transforming myself. Whether it was my gothic bat-caver days with my white make-up or when I decided to look very preppy in the 80's with my blue mascara and frosted lips - I always felt the metamorphosis was complete once my makeup was on.

Even now I continue to love makeup. Thanks to my nieces I find myself watching makeup geek and figuring out what different styles I can get away with without looking 'over the top'. I would love to do an extreme smokey eye but I have not built up the courage.

I am excited to start this new endeavor not just for the love of the product, or the opportunity to socialize with my fellow makeup geeks. Now I am DOING something about my finances and not just talking about it. It may not be much but the efforts are being made and I know eventually we will reclaim our financial stability and continue on to financial security.

DIETING IS DIE WITH A 'T'

Since I was a young girl I loved Garfield. He was fat and furry, he loved lasagna and did very little physical activity. I could relate to him. One of my favourite images of garfield was on a sticker I received when I was 8 years old. It said 'Dieting is Die with a 'T'. That just about said it all for me. I had always considered healthy eating as a form of diet. I know what the word diet means to me so now I have to stop mentally associating dieting with healthy eating.

Dieting is a way of denying yourself and lord knows I don't like to be told I can't have something. So why would I practice self-torture for all these years? Truthfully the only 'weight loss program' that has truly been successful for me has been Weight Watchers. This program allows you to count points which means you can still choose to eat the sugary fatty foods but you won't be able to have much else and in the end you will still be hungry. So you are left to be accountable for your decisions and will ultimately pay the price in the form of hunger for selecting food that is bad for you.

The bad news is now I can't even follow Weight Watchers. I am finding it more and more difficult to lose the weight which means I really HAVE to stop eating the fat and the sweets or I will never succeed. I am my own worst enemy when it comes to sweets. If given the choice between a donut and a healthy balanced meal I would choose the donut.

Another issue I have is 'scale jumping'. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the term it refers to weighing yourself several times a day. This helps some people stay on track but for me - not so much. If the number shows any sort of gain I become discouraged and mentally start to abandon ship. If the number shows a loss - well that's permission to have a treat. 'Wow I have been so good I have lost 3 pounds! So this chocolate bar shouldn't make a difference - right?' Wrong! Oh so wrong!!!

I also have an issue with giving myself unreasonable goals. When I am laying out my game plan to lose weight I usually tell myself 'in x number of months I can lose all the weight no problem'. The problem is that I become discouraged if I don't lose exactly the weight I told myself I would lose in the specified timeframe and punish myself emotionally...

'You have no committment, You can't even stick to a diet' (see there's that word again)...blah...blah...blah.

...which in turn can and will lead to emotional eating. This in sabotages my weight loss goals and leaves me further behind than I started. Now I feel guilty about not losing the weight as quickly as I would have liked AND I fall off the wagon entirely.

Comparing myself to others is a big issue with me. Recently a friend lost 100 pounds in a year (yeah Trish)! I am extremely proud of my friend and think to myself 'if she can do it I can do it'. I need to stop thinking that way because I know this is just my way of setting up an excuse to fail at a later date. I need to understand that everyone's journey is different and yes, I too can lose the weight but my timeline might be different. If I don't change my way of thinking, in 6 months I will find myself punishing myself AGAIN for not being halfway to my goal.

So what I have I learned?

1. Don't use the word diet.

2. Don't let the number on the scale dictate failure or success.

3. Don't set unreasonable goals. I will lose the weight and I will not give up REGARDLESS of how long it takes.

4. Celebrate other's success but do not let it dictate your own. Even if we are on the same journey we don't always experience it in the same way.

5. Stop punishing yourself when you slip. Accept your mistake and move on. One jelly donut does not a dozen make...if you get my meaning.

6. Forgive yourself your edible indiscretions.

7. Love yourself even if you fail.

I know you are thinking 'You are having bypass surgery. Why does any of this matter?' My addiction to food will still be there after the surgery. My self-defeating attitude will still be there. My inner critic will still be there. Unless I deal with it now and recognize it when it is happening I could end up back where I started in 5 years. Loads of people gain the weight back after surgery because they still have these issues. So you could say I am planning ahead. I am determined to succeed with or without surgery. Whatever path I take will lead to my ultimate goal - to have a healthier attitude about food and to love myself inside first, because if I don't I will never love the outside no matter how small OR big it is.

GULP...ARE YOU SURE YOU USED A CALCULATOR?

On Tuesday evening my husband and I had an appointment with a financial consultant of sorts. It was at this appointment we would discuss our current debt load and potential solutions to ensure our 'financial survival' sort to speak.

We both felt trepidation to say the least. Up to the minute we walked into the gentleman's office the tension was palpable. We discussed the meeting, what we had to bring and information we had to share but still we were not prepared with the emotion that was involved in such a venture.

As soon as I heard this man talk I knew that he understood what he was talking about. He was thorough and precise in communicating all of the information required. We sat and listened to him feeling more and more at ease with him. Even as we disclosed all of our finances - a moment we were both dreading - he listened patiently, nodded thoughtfully and showed no sign of judgement of us or our finances which I feel we both were expecting to some degree.

At the end of our appointment the consultant gave us a short list of tasks we were to accomplish for the coming weeks in order to proceed to the next step. I was to do my 2009 business taxes, prepare a list of our assets and make a list of total debt as well as make a budget.

When we went into the appointment we had a rough number of our debt in mind but yesterday my husband and I decided to sit down and fill out a spreadsheet with more accurate numbers so we could be sure. After putting in all of the figures we were shocked to discover our overall debt was actually 50% higher...gulp!

As devastating as this news was we were still able to keep it in perspective-ish (I will admit I lashed out a bit which I regret now - I love you honey;)). My husband and I decided to grab the dogs and the kid (Rhea was at a friends) and get the heck out of Dodge. We went for a LONG walk and tried to let it all go.

Needless to say by the end we were winded and relieved and found something to laugh about other than being hopeless with money. We just have to keep reminding ourselves that despite our current dilemma we sill have each other and our children and in the end as long as we have that nothing else matters...

But the most important thing I have learned is that communication is key. Even if we were not clear enough with each other about debt as it was growing at least we can say that we openly discuss it now. I can honestly say that my relationship with my husband has grown and will continue to grow because we communicate. And regardless of what life throws at us we need to always remember that there is a way out of it if we work together.

'I SEE YOU (AND YOUR BOWL OF SNACK-A-DOOS)'

So last night I rented Avatar. Granted after paying all of the late fees and the cost of the rental I had practically bought a copy but I stuck to my word. I am still waiting until next Thursday to decide whether or not to purchase the film.

It was difficult to watch the movie and not have snacks. Doing this simple act is the equivalent of drinking alcohol and having a cigarette to a smoker. I should know I used to do that too.

There are a lot of parallels that can be drawn between managing food addiction and quitting smoking. When I quit smoking I had to change my routines and habits in order to avoid smoking. Rather than avoiding food entirely I can find healthier alternatives. I did the same when I quit smoking. I used to have a cigarette when I drove to work. When I quit I replaced the cigarette with a burning hot cup of Tim Horton's tea. It allowed me to still do something with my hands and have something to 'look forward to'.

I had to avoid my backyard for 6 months when I quit smoking. That was where I always smoked and I related that place to it. Even now I am trying to figure what that place would be in correlation to food. Maybe it is an activity or a time of day - I haven't figured that part out yet. I do know that when I watch a movie in the future I have to make some healthy snacks beforehand so I am not tempted to eat chips and chocolate and other goodies which is especially difficult when everyone else in the house is doing it.

Here is a short list of what I relate food to...please hold your laughter until the end:)
- Road Trip=trip to Bulk Barn
- Theatre=Raisinettes
- Holidays=Eating Out
- Friday night=treats
-Easter=Stealing chocolate from my kids (I know its bad but remember this stuff is like crack to me)
-Christmas=Please see above and try not to think less of me
-Valentine's Day=the one holiday I don't have to steal chocolate cuz I get my own
-Renting movies=Chips, chocolate and whatever my heart desires
-Camping=bacon and eggs
-Sunday morning=bacon and eggs again
-Birthdays=cake

I think you get my meaning. Although most people would probably have snacks of some sort during all of these different key times most people don't focus on the food portion. Most people focus on the events themselves but I seriously get the most pleasure out of the food that is eaten during these times.

So now I have to stop putting the food first and try to focus on the occasion itself and then maybe I won't feel the need to indulge in the bad stuff. I will find the simple joy in watching a movie and not eating treats, Christmas without chocolate, birthdays without cake, life without breathing....just kidding... and enjoy a life that is not controlled by addiction.