NO MORE!

On the morning of September 20th I go for my first appointment before I have my bariatric surgery. There are 4 to 6 appointments I must go to which can take up to 9 months. It's been a long road to get this far. 3 years of trying to get on a list for surgery. This was always 'my last option'. I joined a gym, hired a trainer, went to meetings, spoke to nutritionists, starved myself, reduced carbs, fat, dairy, stopped eating red meat, stopped eating white flour, stopped eathing all together, drinking more water...you name it, I have done it all.

Food isn't just food for me. It's comfort. I have been an emotional eater all my life. I can remember my parents would order KFC on Thursday when dad got paid and every Friday we would get a treat from the store. These were the best days of the week. I won't talk about the bad stuff that went on in my house but it left me clinging to anything that brought even the most minute ounce of joy. This is the beginning of my obsession with food.

I was always a chubby child especially when compared with my rather thin sister. People including my family would comment on my weight. It was so bad they sent me to Weight Watchers when I was 8 years old. At the meeting they told me that I needed to eat more just healthier choices. That was possibly the most idiotic thing I had ever heard. What choices was I able to make. I ate what I was given and I was FORCED to clean my plate every time I sat at the table. So now I am completely confused. I am told that I should not eat so much by my family but here were the experts telling me I didn't eat enough. I just didn't know what to do.

All these years of denying my body food or overindulging resulted in obsessing. Even when I wasn't eating  I was worried about when I was going to eat next, what it would be, how many calories I would be consuming. It just never ended. And when I did not obsess about what I was eating and tracking my food consumption I began to gain weight. Let's face it - weight and food have ruled my life ever since that first Weight Watchers meeting 30 years ago.

I guess I am just tired of everyone telling me what I NEED to do to lose weight. The last thing I NEED is for someone else to parade their ignorant assumptions about me and my weight by telling me how to diet, what new fad I should try, and how I should live my life. Really it all measures up to the underlying message that is contained with each sentence. The message that says "You are fat. Stop eating." Trust me I've even tried the starvation route and that doesn't always work out.

It also seems that if I am not constantly 'dieting' people look at me with suspicion. Like 'are you sure you should be eating that fatty?' It's not like I am scarfing down fries every chance I get. I only eat fast food MAYBE 6 times a year. I have a chocolate bar once a week. I am not a huge chip fan. I can live with just a cup. I eat fruit and veg every day. Yes I could eat more of them AND drink more water but who couldn't. I mean the majority of our society does not eat right, excercise and watch their food intake but because they are not fat then it doesn't seem to matter.

I am sick to death of feeling like I have to EXPLAIN myself because I am fat. I am sick of  feeling like I am the only one at the birthday party that is not ALLOWED to have cake because I am fat. I am sick to death of feeling like I have to EXPLAIN myself everytime I eat something that might be bad for me. Most of all I am sick to death of living my life by what rules everyone else thinks I should follow.

From now on I am going to make healthy choices as much as I can. Yes I will have bad days but that is no one's business but mine. If you catch me eating a piece of cake or a donought I DON'T OWE YOU AN EXPLANATION! I don't owe you shit. It's my life. I don't tell you how to live yours so don't tell me how to live mine. And don't  tell me you are 'concerned' about my health. If you were concerned about me you would ask me how I am feeling not WHY, WHAT AND HOW MUCH I AM EATING!

So I am done with being told how to live my life. I am done being judged by others. I am done with that condescending voice both in my head and out of it telling me what to do. From now on I am going to make decisions not based on what other people will think but what I will think because really I am the one who has to live withe consequences...no one else. And for the record, my kids and husband NEVER obsess about what I am eating. They love me just the way I am. They don't see me as fat - they see me as me. So what does that tell you?

English Speak Making Hardness

Wow - what a week. I am exhausted. On Tuesday the girls went back to school and I started a new part-time job. On top of that I had 5 commercials to finish by end of day Friday. Not to mention I have a presentation to finish this weekend AND it's my 12 year wedding anniversary on Sunday. I confess I have nothing left. I am drained, beat, done. All I want is a soft fluffy pillow, a good book, my fuzzy jammies and a cool autumn breeze wafting through my bedroom window. Now that's my idea of heaven.

But it is not to be quite yet. I am still working. Right now I am waiting for a file to upload for a client who emailed me 2 hours ago and said "by the way this start monday. Can you make sure it gets to the right people? Thanks". What she should have said was "Can you finish this job for me because I am already sipping Marguerittas from my ocean view on the westcoast and I couldn't possibly pull myself away from such joy. I mean it's not like you have a life outside of your basement. You only have 2 kids, 2 dogs, 3 rabbits, a husband, a home to clean, mounds of laundry to do and other deadlines but hey...I'm the client and that's not my problem."

Whoa did I spiral there or what?

So now I am going to spend a few pleasant hours with my friends and hopefully I will be able to maintain a somewhat intelligent conversation without causing them to further question my intelligence based on my slaughtering of the English language due to sleep deprivation.

I don't even know what I am saying anymore.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Talk soon! Love ya!!!!

ONCE APON A TIME - Inspired by actual events

It's 7 AM and I am pouring a hot cup of tea at my kitchen counter. I love that smell. I love it even more when it is mingled with the scent of fresh morning air as it wafts through the window. It reminds of our family vacations when we would go to Restoule and stay in the cottage. I find it relaxing and intoxicating. It puts my mind at ease. It reminds me that I should wake up earlier more often.

I have some work to do in the office today. I also have a wooden sign to paint for a client. Between the two it is a nice mix of computer and hands on creativity which I love. It's not often I get an opportunity to paint. Recently a client of mine asked me to design a logo for his barbecue company as well as develop a wooden sign (with the help of my husband of course). I have finished the airbrushed fire effect on the letters and now I just have the finishing touches. I need to cover the edges of the letters in black paint so it's not too mentally challenging but I do have to concentrate. It allows me the opportunity for my mind to wonder elsewhere and consider other aspects of my life.

For some time now I have wanted to write a book. I am sure there are many people out there in the world who have considered this at one point or another but I just feel this is something I have to do. Actually I have already begun which is a huge step because procrastination is definitely my strong suit. My issue is balancing between what is real and what is imaginary. What I mean is this - Do I talk about my own life and experiences or do I embellish? I have ofter heard it said that you should write what you know but I would like what I write to also have an air of the unknown - you know?

Writing for me has also been a way to escape the every day. It's an opportunity to re-invent yourself. To become what you have always wanted to be. It is also an opportunity to express a bit of your true self. The one that exists inside your head that you may or may not share with everyone every day. You don't have to edit your thoughts for others. This is a chance to express your true feelings freely. But in doing so you also risk hurting those you love. For example, I can pretend that I am writing about some other woman who has a sister that is mean to her but MY sister will of course draw a parallel to herself and assume I am writing about her. Whether I am or not is irrelevant because the outcome will be the same. So now I feel compelled to say that I have a nice sister. But do I have to illustrate everyone in my story in the same light? If I did that would be one of the most flaccid books ever written. It would be like the movie Pleasantville without adding the coloured bits.

So now I am left considering how to proceed. Do I write for myself or do I write for others. Yes I would like people to enjoy my book. I want them to get lost in the characters, feel their pain and joy but I surely don't want to cause my loved ones any emotional discomfort while doing it.

I think I know what I am going to do. I just want you all to know that before I made my decision I did consider other people's feelings. I did not just charge ahead and write whatever I wanted to without any consideration for anyone but myself (yes I have been accused of this in the past). I am thinking of others when I am writing but I must also think about myself. This is my opportunity to express how I feel too - good and bad. So hopefully some of you will read my book when it is finished and derive some pleasure from reading it. Maybe even some pain but know this. If I hurt your feelings I apologize but this is just how I perceive life to be. Not how it actually is. Confused? Good - Me too.

I JUST WANT THE TRUTH

We as a society are bathing in the lies we are told - from all directions. From advertising to politics to industry and business. Everywhere I turn I see it and it is frightening how easy it is for them to tell the lies and for us to believe them.

In advertising it can start as a little lie. A mascara commercial claims that you will have longer fuller lashes but look closely. 9 times out of 10 there is a disclaimer at the bottom of the screen stating that the lashes are a dramatization. What does that mean? Just that the lashes probably fake - stuck on or computer enhanced but they are not real. Now it's up to us. Is this a harmless little white lie, or is this the first step on a very slippery slope.

In Canada we have advertising standards. It ensures that there is 'truth' in advertising. It regulates advertising so that we are not 'lied' to. We may not be flat out lied to but we are certainly deceived. One such scam is life insurance. THere is currently an ad on television for a Canadian Insurance Company. It is clearly aimed at the elderly. It preys on guilt the elderly would feel if they were to leave any debts or financial responsibilities to their family should they pass. They claim that no one is turned down and you don't need a medical. What they fail to tell you that in the province of Ontario underwriting is legal. What this means is that if you die of a 'pre-existing condition' they do not have to pay your policy. They don't give you an exam and in order to cover the small 'oversight' on their part they add a clause that allows them not have to pay out if you say have diabetes and die due to ANY condition that could be linked to that condition. If it is determined that you did die from a pre-existing condition your 'loved ones' will not receive payment on the policy but will reimburse your premiums. I can't even say they would guarantee that and given the opportunity I am sure the insurance company would also choose to keep the premiums.

But the lies don't end there.

7 years ago we bought our first house in Hamilton. When we moved in a few of our neighbours pointed out that there were lead pipes leading to most of the homes. They suggested that we get our water tested to see if there were any issues with the water. We called the city and they confirmed that our pipe was in fact lead and would test our water for free. Some weeks later we received a letter from the lab stating that there were high traces of lead in the water and that we should not drink it. We called the city and told them. We replaced our pipe (out of our pocket) leading to the house. Once that was done an inspector came to confirm that we had done our part before the city would replace their part. When we told the city rep about the report we received and that we shouldn't drink the water he became belligerent. He said the water was just fine to drink and that he did not believe the letter we received stated that. I knew why he was acting this way. Deniability. As long as they admit no knowledge of wrong doing they cannot be liable for any damage done.

Something similar happened to my mother-in-law. She kept having floods in her basement because the pipes would back up from the streets. It wasn't just her, it was her entire street. Rather than admitting that it was the pipes and replacing them the city continued to patch them up. My mother-in-law's basement flooded a half a dozen times before the city would do anything about it. They agreed to replace the main on her street. They gave each resident $2,000 but forced them to each sign a document stating that upon accepting this deal they would also agree not to sue the city. Left with no other choice my mother-in-law signed. The money didn't even cover all of her deductibles she had to pay over the years. To top it all off she was told by her insurance company that if she was to have another flood she would no longer be covered.

Even the people who sold us our house lied to us. When we purchased our home the previous home owner signed a document stating that there were no water leakage issues in the basement that they were aware of. They seemed like a nice couple so we believed them. Between the time we bought the house and took possession the homeowners called us to say they had a flood but swore this had never happened before and would look after it. We took them at their word. A month or 2 later we took possession of the home. That winter was very cold and the ground froze solid. We had frequent freeze and thaw which resulted in quite a bit of water on the ground. We immediately started getting floods practically every week. My husband discovered that the previous homeowners had covered up a large hole in the wall with drywall so the inspector did not see it. We also discovered that there some serious leaks in the crawlspace. We had flood after flood. It became quite apparent to us that the nice old couple we bought our home from had lied. I know we could have gone to our lawyer to get them to pay for the repair but by the time we finished paying the lawyer it would be cheaper to just fix it ourselves - a fact I am sure this couple was fully aware of.

All of these lies - little white lies to the big whale is for one reason - money. There was once a day that your character held more value than your bank account. I miss those days when a handshake or a person's word was enough but that is no longer the case. It seems even a contract won't hold someone to their word if they can find a way to weasel their way out of it. Sometimes it seems that we are powerless to do anything about this but there is. Don't buy products that are dishonest about their results. Write to them via their website and tell them that you are choosing not to buy their product because it is being misrepresented in advertising. Be aware and vigilant when you are purchasing insurance. Don't back down to the bureaucracy when they tell you they won't pay. My mother-in-law may have been forced to sign that document but up to that point she fought tooth and nail just to get that much. She called her city rep every day until he did something about it. Let people know that you have caught them in a lie. Whether or not they deny it they will know that you are onto them. Another way to fight this epidemic is to continue to be honest yourself in your personal life and your business life. I know that when I feel i haven't been completely honest with someone I feel guilt. I can carry that guilt for years and it eats away at me. It makes me realize that the lie or the deception may have benefited me in the short term but in the long run it does more damage.

I don't usually take this tone with my blog. I don't like to be on a soap box but this is something I feel very strongly about. I feel like this is a slippery slope that could lead to our detriment. I think if we are vigilant and aware of the current climate we can avoid it getting worse. We can stop the envelope from being pushed any further. We can say enough is enough. Maybe this is just my own paranoia, maybe I am right on the nose. What I do know is that I could definitely use a little more truth in my life.

ENJOY YOUSELF...IT'S LATER THAN YOU THINK

Well it's official. I barely had any work to do yesterday. The nice part is my mum had generously given Kevin her car for the day, allowing me to use the van. So I was able to get a lot accomplished outside of the house that I would otherwise not have been able to do. Delaney and I went to the dentist. Afterward we got school supplies and then I got a pre-paid visa which will allow me to make business purchases online without worrying about 'owing' anyone later.

After we were done our running around I decided to drop by my mother's house to see if she needed anything or needed the car for anything. We sat outside on my mum's patio for about an hour talking and drinking tea. This is the first time since the summer began that I actually felt relaxed. Rhea turned to me and said "This is nice." That should have been the sign that told me what I was doing was okay but instead - I felt guilty.


I felt like I should be earning my keep. Contributing financially in some way. For whatever reason I feel it's necessary to always be working or I am not doing my bit. I know I am looking after my children but I still feel guilty that I am outside relaxing while my husband is working 10 hour days. It just seems wrong.

Despite how I feel about all of this down time my children are thrilled. They have made it quite clear to me that they enjoy it when I am not working and we have an opportunity to enjoy the reposeful time. When I told them I had stayed up last night to finish my work so I could be free all day today they actually cheered. To be truthful I was touched that they derive such joy from me just being there with them. They seem to be bored when left to their own devices. So instead today we are going to go for a bike ride to the park (an activity I have not enjoyed in 20 years). We are packing a lunch, I am bringing a book, Delaney is bringing her sketch pad and Rhea is bringing her climbing feet and then we are off.

Later I will have to check my email. I will have my iPhone with me so I won't miss calls (I still have to have my business sense about me and take calls). I will also be cleaning the house at some point - a chore that I loathe - but all in all I will attempt to relax and enjoy the time I have with my kids. After all, summer is only 2 more weeks and soon they will be back to school. And if I am going to live in the now I need to start right away which means by appreciating my children today. They grow so fast and before I know it Rhea will be too cool to go to the mall with me. Delaney will want to play at friend's houses more than at home and I will hardly see them.

So I have resolved to remind myself of these facts the next time I am feeling guilty about my leisure time because once it has passed I can never get it back and I will be filled with regret. Now that is a feeling that cannot be relieved but it can definitely be avoided.

LET'S ALL GO THE LOBBY...

Today I had the pleasure of accompanying my 5 year old to the movies. I didn't particularly enjoy the feature film but I always enjoy watching the reaction it elicits out of my child. It's also an experience to watch movies with other children. Their pleasure is always so honest and uninhibited. It's refreshing.

I remember the experience of going to the movies as a child. The delicious treats at the snack bar, standing for the national anthem (now I really am aging myself), watching the previews, and most of all just being carried away to another place and time. It was magical.

Now the theatre has lost some of it's allure. Yes I still enjoy the treats but I must be aware of the calories each one contains. The previews are enjoyable as I love a good trailer but they have become formulated and predictable. Not to mention about 70% are now in 3D which now become the standard for most films. I mean - if you can make Step Up 3D that pretty much opens the flood gates for any old tripe to be made into 3D. And in doing so, allowing the theatre to charge more money no matter how bad the film is.

But I digress...


The magic has died a little since I was a child. The films were always larger than life with Dolby and THX surround sound. The images were far superior to anything we could get at home. Now, most of us have big screen HD televisions with the same type of sound systems. We don't need to go any further than our own living rooms to enjoy a good movie. And with the dawn of 3D home television we have created a new standard in home entertainment.

Where does it stop? We as a society have such a desire for the next new thing we are slowly killing the magic because we over-expose ourselves to it. Technology has advanced to such a degree it has become common place. Having a computer was once considered a privilege. Now it's a right. Microwaves were expensive now we can't seem to live without one. We joke about 'remember when we had to use a pay phone to call away from home' but the reality that we can't seem to live without our cell phones is quite frightening.

I am not going to say I don't appreciate all of the advances technology has made. I wouldn't be sitting in my bed typing this on my laptop via my wireless network if I didn't. I am just wanting everyone as a society to appreciate what we have here and now without waiting for the next big thing to come around. I think that's part of my problem. I am always anticipating the next big thing - not just in regards to technology but in regards to everything. I am not living in the moment and enjoying today. I am always looking to the future and anticipating what is to come. The next holiday, school starting, buying a car, even the release of a movie on DVD. I need to learn to live in the moment and realize what I have now. I have to realize that what I have, where I am and who I am is enough.

WHAT TO DO, WHAT TO DO

I cannot believe how busy the last month has been considering my #1 client closed it's doors. I haven't really felt any slow down at all. That is until this week. This entire process has been a mix of emotions. I began to second guess my recent financial decisions. Did I jump the gun claiming bankruptcy? Now when I look at my to-do list for the next week I can honestly say No I did not.

This may seem all doom and gloom for some of you but to me it's like a blank page. A freshly cleaned white board just waiting to be filled with something new. I have so many ideas for my next move I am just bursting to get started. I see this as an opportunity to explore dreams that I once had which were left abandoned. I chose to continue working in advertising, not for the sense of personal gratification, but for the money. Now I can finally do something that feeds my soul and with luck, will also put food on the table.

There are many things I used to do that I can now try again. I can start to draw and paint. I can spend more time reading. I have started writing again. I am designing toys and furniture with my husband. Besides all this I will also have more time with my children. My youngest starts grade 1 in the fall and will need my help with her homework. I can spend more time in my garden. This year's garden was quite successful but given more time I think I could have done more research and planned it better.

So now I am going to spend the next few months exploring all of my loves and passions and then maybe I can figure out my next career move.

Let me just say that none of this would be possible without my husband Kevin. When I told him my plan he said 'I will support you whatever you want to do. I just want you to be happy.' If it wasn't for Kevin I don't know what I would do so for this I say THANK YOU KEVIN. You really are an amazing husband.

I know this post has been incredibly short and sort of ham fisted but my brain is absolutely swimming. I am in the middle of writing a book (something I have been wanting to do my entire life). I can't get it out of my head. Wish me luck and I'll keep you posted.