THE RAT RACE

Well, despite a nervous start to my day, my trip to Toronto went very well. I had such little time between getting myself ready, selecting an outfit, rushing to the station and getting on the train I had few opportunities to miss the children. I did manage to squeeze in a quick phone call to say good morning. It was ended with my youngest daughter muttering as she hung up 'that was a weird phone call from mom'. Apparently she was not being affected by my absence in the least.

Once I arrived downtown I had just enough time to jump on the subway and rush to my client's office. I had a bit of time once I got there for quick greetings and to grab a cup of tea and then it was down to work.

Overall I thoroughly enjoyed the opportunity to learn something new. It gave my brain something to latch onto rather than worry. Only once did I reflect on my children when we discussed programming Amber Alerts on the screen networks. At that point my friend Deb gave me a quick rub on the arm to let me know it was okay (she knew I was a 'little tense' about leaving the girls).

We broke shortly after 12:20 for lunch and I was so engrossed in the conversation of other grown ups that once again, the time passed without a second thought. Then it was back to work until the train ride home. The only worry I had was whether or not the old bloke beside me was going to toss his liquid lunch all over my lap.

I managed to squeeze an hour of work on the train ride home, picked up Rhea at dance and before I knew it I was back home again. Now I do it all over again tomorrow before I meet my family in Niagara Falls for Rhea's dance competition.

Regardless of the fact that all is well and I made it through one aspect of all this dashing about sticks out in my mind. I have barely had 5 minutes to sit and chat with my girls. We completely missed time at the dinner table which is when we would discuss our days. I felt I didn't have the time or TAKE the time to listen to my husband and his day. It seems fairly obvious to me that my family unit could not survive or function if this was to happen every day. There is no way both my husband and I could work out of town and still keep as close ties as we do now. Already in one day I felt the distance between us. From a short term perspective we will be fine but thank goodness this is all over soon.

So now I will go to bed because I am too exhausted to miss the kids and I start all over again in the morning.

Good night!

A CLOUDED PERSPECTIVE

I am going to Toronto tomorrow and Thursday for training. I am not worried about this or stressed about it. I am however anxious about leaving my kids for 2 days. I know this sounds paranoid but I have a lot of difficulty leaving them even overnight.

I am trying to explain my fear while avoiding the details of where my fear comes from so bare with me. I will explain briefly.

As a child I had an abusive father. I was very frightened of him as we all were. He would get drunk everyday and was easily provoked. We never knew when we would get in trouble or for what. He would just explode and we would duck and run for cover. So needless to say I was hurt both physically and emotionally. But I don't think this is what the fear comes from.

I was also sexually abused by a relative. I don't want to get into the details of this but I know this has left me with some major trust issues. I am suspicious of most people I meet and have trouble trusting people with my children.

Between both of these events I am extremely protective of my girls. I never let them out of my sight for a minute. And I know that no one will watch my children as closely as I do. So I am worried that someone else will turn their head at the wrong moment and something awful will happen.

I am also worried that people are gullible. They don't assume the worst of others and assume they are honest. I don't think that way. I am suspicious of most people I meet. Yes this sounds jaded but I have lived my life so long this way I don't know how to change it. Plus, I would prefer to be suspicious and on my guard from the start then be caught unawares and open to injury both for me and my children.


So here I am, stressing over leaving my children with my family - not because I don't trust my family I just don't trust other people. Both my mother and my mother-in-law don't think the way I do. They don't see the bad in others right away. I don't think it's a fault. They just haven't experienced that violation of trust to darken their perspective.

I know I am being paranoid, I know I am being irrational but my paranoia is so bad it has become 'physical'. I feel physically ill, I am tense, and I have to take a sleeping pill just to sleep when my kids aren't with me.

So now I have to keep it together for the next few days because I need to get work done and perform and 'seem' normal for the sake of myself and my client. I don't know how to rid this feeling of dread I have. I just know it controls me and invades my mind and I don't want it to. I don't want to think bad thoughts - to think that something horrible will happen and see it in my head, to be so suspicious it controls my life. I suppose I just want to know my children are safe. I don't want them to experience what I have. I don't want them to feel what I feel. I want them to be safe. I want them to be happy.

TO MY MUM ON MOTHER'S DAY

Today I would like to dedicate my blog to my mother for she has been the most positive roll model in my life and without her I would not be the person I am today.

My mother was married in 1970 at the tender age of 19 - which was appropriate at the time in Scotland. Within that same year she had my sister. This was quite a momentous change for her I imagine between devoting her life to her husband and now a child. I can only imagine how dramatic her life changed in one short year.

Just one year later at the age of 20 she had me. Now she was also raising 2 small children as well as keeping a house and tending to my father. When I consider what I had done by the age of 20 it only amounted to finishing high school and starting college. I could not imagine having one child, never mind 2 OR God forbid being married.

By the time I was 1 1/2 years my father packed us all up and moved to Canada. My father had several brothers here but my mother had no one. No one to call and have a tea with, no one to talk to or lean on for support. I can only imagine how alone she felt. She had left the only home and family she knew to come here for my father AND for us. Once again she sacrificed so much for our benefit.

I remember my mother working many factory jobs while here in Canada. When she worked at United Car I remember her coming home with cuts all over her fingers from working the line and handling car parts. I remember the smell of the factory on her clothes. i remember how hard she worked all day to pay for things like food and clothing then she would come home and cook and clean for us.

By the time I reached grade eight my mother left my father - once again she did this to keep me and my sister safe. At the time we were living in a small apartment in Brantford. We left suddenly and had nowhere to go. Luckily my uncle took us in until we could make other arrangements. How hard this must have been for my mother to make the decision to leave my father for I knew how frightened she was of him because we all were. I can only imagine how difficult it was to call my father's brother for help. To risk him turning us away and taking my father's side. I don't know if even now she realizes how brave she was doing what she did.

During that separation we travelled to Scotland so we could be closer to my mother's family. She was on her own with 2 girls, just separated and scared. I can completely understand her decision to move us back to Scotland after all that she had been through without the love and support of her family. We were left in peace for 3 months. Then my father decided to come to Scotland too and the peace and quiet ended. My mother had to make the difficult decision to move back to Canada, again to keep us safe. Plus she knew that we would not have the same opportunities for a career in Scotland as we would in Canada. Once again she sacrificed her own happiness and security for us.

During the next few years my mum went back to working at the factory but because of her long absence she lost seniority. She did not have the same pay or security she once had. She knew she had to make a change and enrolled herself in school to become a Health Care Aid. This was no easy task as she also worked full time, looked after 2 teenage girls and had to achieve a high grade just to pass her course. I don't know how she did it but she did. I was so incredibly proud of what my mother accomplished.

When my husband and I started dating my mother bought her first house on her own. I know she was scared and felt an incredible financial pressure but she did it. Not many people can say that they could afford to buy a home, a car and manage to go on the occasional vacation but my mother has. She is fantastic at handling money and always has been. I secretly wish I had her gift with numbers. She has always been incredibly talented in math and a whiz with numbers. She has always managed to survive on a small budget and does not waste a penny. I think we could all learn from my mum.

Now my mother is a grandmother and what a wonderful one she is. She picks up my girls from school every day just so I can have a couple of hours to finish my work. She has all of her grandkids over to sleep over whenever she can, and I know that if I EVER need her to help she is ALWAYS there. I really am truly blessed to have my mother both for myself and my children.

Mum, no matter what has happened in our lives I have always had your love and support. You have done so much for us in ways I sometimes need reminding of and today I want you to know that I see what you have done. I feel the sacrifices you have made and I love the person that you are. Thank you for being my rock, my role model, my heart of gold. Without you we would be lost. I love you mum.

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY TO ALL THE WOMEN IN MY LIFE

Well tomorrow is Mother's Day. The day when we are recognized for the tireless, thankless hours we put into motherhood. I like to think of this as a day I can relax and take stock of my life.

From the moment I held my first daughter in my arms I knew what it was to truly love. I had many relationships in which those words were exchanged and I thought I meant it but I never really understood until I had Rhea. To love is to be willing to sacrifice all that you have and all that you are to give that other person what they need to live and thrive. This is how I feel about my girls.

Today I would like to say Happy Mother's Day to all the women in my life because even if you did not birth children you are all mothers in some way. Whether you love your friends or family, you have nurtured those around you in some way. That makes you a mother. And for that we are all grateful for none of us would be the same without you.

IT'S NOT USUALLY LIKE THIS...HONEST

I have someone coming to give us an assessment of our house today and I am completely stressed out. It's not the evaluation that bothers me but the fact that my house is not as clean as I would like it to be. I seem to get this way whenever people come over because I am afraid of being judged by the cleanliness of my home. I get myself all stressed out, I become an absolute stroppy cow and I snap at anyone who so much as leaves a crumb on the counter.

My husband is completely puzzled by this behaviour but I know women understand this condition. Men are not judged by the cleanliness of their home but women are. And not by everyone either. There are very few people in my life who care if my 5 year old left her dirty socks in the living room or that there is laundry on the laundry room floor. It's usually people that are complete strangers whose opinion should not matter to me. Still I want to make a good impression and somewhere in my twisted brain I seem to think a sparkly home is going to do that.

It's not like I am going to be on an episode of Hoarders (a judging statement in itself) I just know my house could be cleaner. It's really the clutter that seems to gather daily that gets under my skin. The piles on the stairs that need to be brought up and sorted, the toys in the play room that need organized, the bunny cages needing cleaned and my desk that's in desperate need of some TLC. I see all these things and know it has to be done but I can't seem to find the time to do it. It may very well be that I dont' want to do it either or I would FIND the time.

I know that dealing with this clutter and continuing to 'purge' the superfluous 'stuff' in my life is also part of my journey. After all the clutter usually accumulates while I am too busy. I am not taking the time to notice what is going on around me. I am not truly 'living' in the moment I am going through the motions to get by because I am too 'busy' to really observe what it is I am doing and how I am living my life.All of this clutter is also representative of a life I no longer want to lead and it is weighing me down. It reminds of money spent, debt accumulated and a life not lived but filled with baggage in the physical and emotional sense. In order to truly take control of my life I must take control of my surroundings.

So, I am going to accept that my house is not perfect today as I would secretly like it to be. But I vow to one day tackle it. Not all at once but bit by bit. After all, becoming real happens over time. It may hurt sometimes but once you are real it doesn't matter. Someday I will be real too.

SPIRITS, SPIRITUALITY AND THE HOLY SPIRIT

As most of you already know I love ghost hunting shows. My favourite is Ghost Hunters followed by Ghost Hunters International. They use a scientific logical approach to investigate supposed haunted locations to determine if 'ghosts' really have taken up residence. The investigators use EMF detectors (electro-magnetic field) EVP (electronic voice phenomenon) to record disembodied voices and infa-red cameras to see images beyond what the naked eye can see.

If you are wondering why I watch these shows the answer is simply 'I WANT to believe'. Like most people on this planet I want to believe that if my loved ones pass they are watching over me like guardian angels. I want to believe if I pass before my time I will be able to stick around in spirit form and watch out for my kids. Watching these shows gives me a shred to hang onto that my logical brain can rationalize into reality. I figure if I hear that disembodied voice or see that ghostly apparition in a photo I can honestly say to my self that, yes indeed, spirits exist and I will be comforted by that knowledge.

Oddly enough I don't know if I believe in places like Heaven or Hell. I know that it seems like an odd observation since I seem to be willing to believe in disembodied entities but I don't see them as the same thing. I believe that we are all made up of energy. Perhaps ghosts are just residual energy left behind. I am even willing to believe that my soul continues on in some form but not in the 'religious' way I was brought up to believe. My 'soul' lives on in the people I leave behind. They carry pieces of me because I touched their lives in some way. We also create positive or negative energy through our actions. I believe that if I am positive both in my behaviour and my intentions, that energy is left to my family and loved ones and hopefully they can carry that with them and continue to be positive themselves.

I know all of this sound hokey (especially to my husband who I know will read this) but it really makes complete sense. We all influence those around us both positive and negatively. If we choose to be a positive force we will leave a positive legacy. This is true of how we treat others and our planet. I believe that we leave an imprint on the people we meet and the world. Most call it our global footprint I suppose but I think it is more than just tracking your car's emissions and how much electricity you consume. It's not just how much you take from the land but also what you give back.

I suppose like many of my friends I cannot describe my beliefs in religious terms because I cannot relate to the concept of religion. Throughout my childhood I was taught that I would be 'judged' by God and I would go to hell if I am bad. I know people talk about seeing 'their life flash before their eyes' in a near death situation but I think this is just a friendly reminder that you just received a second chance so don't screw it up. You see in that moment how you lived your life and that dictates whether or not your 'flash' is good or bad. I Know people have also seen the white light and loved ones waiting for them. This I believe but I don't think it is 'heaven' in the terms defined to us. I say this because I don't believe in hell either. I was always taught that one comes with the other so I guess that's where I lose faith. I don't believe God judges everyone in such black and white terms. I think life should be lived to help your fellow man, do well unto one another and love ourselves and the world around us. I can't seem to fit this definition in terms of the religion I was raised to believe.

I realize that there are many people out there who whole heartedly disagree with me but I also believe to each his own. I don't believe it is up to us to judge each other's beliefs. I am a spiritual person and believe we should embrace each other in culture, person and beliefs regardless of what they are. I have only chosen to share what I believe because I need to say it to the world. I am living my life as a spiritual person with good intentions which will hopefully lead to good actions. And in the end when I 'meet my maker' I will be comforted in the knowledge that I have chosen to live a good life by my own terms and that is good enough for me.

THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO WOOT WOOT!

I don't know if anyone has noticed but woot woot has replaced woohoo. So in an effort to keep with the times I am doing the same althought I am not 100% comfortable with this development. I feel like an owl who just won first prize at a barn dance.

I have noticed the events that get me excited seem to come in a cycle. When I was a child it was the small stuff like when HR Pufinstuf would come on television because I didn't get to see it very often. Even something as simple as a friend coming to play or tying my shoes would whip me into fits of joy.

In my teenage years it took a heck of a lot more umph. It would be things like new clothes, bigger price tags, walkmans, parties and concerts. Most days I would barely crack a smile let alone a cheer. It was all about material superfluous things. God I was a shallow teenager no matter how 'deep' and goth I pretended to be.

In my twenties it was about getting a good grade on a project, kissing that boy you always wanted to kiss, graduating college or even going home on weekends to party with my friends. There was alot of meaning behind this excitement because they had significance in my life.

Now, as a mother in my thirties, I find excitement in the simplest of things. Here is a quick list:

1. When I get a light period.
2. Getting my period at all!
3. Sleeping in on Sunday morning because Rhea doesn't have dance.
4. Someone else doing the laundry and nothing gets shrunk.
5. A hot cup of tea in the morning.
6. Having less mole hair today then the day before.
7. Watching ghost shows. Stop laughing!
8. Getting client approval on the first try - the rare WOOT
9. Not having to change the toilet paper roll because someone else did it. (still waiting for this woot)
10. Dreaming I am stranded on a dessert island with Colin Farrell, waking up briefly and still being able to go right back to the same place I left off in the dream.

I have another 10 list involving things with my kids but honestly I think all of us mom's get worked up about the littlest things when it comes to our children. Like when they smile at us for the first time, say the word 'mommy', go poo in the toilet instead of their pants, or fart bubbles in the tub and you both laugh until you cry...all that great stuff.

Some people equate finding joy in the smallest of life's pleasures as a gift that comes with age. But I think sometimes you just need to get excited about the silly stuff to have something to look forward to. It's an opportunity to celebrate even the smallest accomplishment. Let's face it, the big ones don't come along very often and if we spend our lives waiting for that big WOW we will find ourselves waiting most of the time. Yes there are bigger issues in our lives and we are all painfully aware of it. Yes we have stress and conflict and difficulties and turmoil. But to get through it I say we find a little woot woot everyday... even if it is just tub toots, it's still worth enjoying!