LET'S ALL GO THE LOBBY...

Today I had the pleasure of accompanying my 5 year old to the movies. I didn't particularly enjoy the feature film but I always enjoy watching the reaction it elicits out of my child. It's also an experience to watch movies with other children. Their pleasure is always so honest and uninhibited. It's refreshing.

I remember the experience of going to the movies as a child. The delicious treats at the snack bar, standing for the national anthem (now I really am aging myself), watching the previews, and most of all just being carried away to another place and time. It was magical.

Now the theatre has lost some of it's allure. Yes I still enjoy the treats but I must be aware of the calories each one contains. The previews are enjoyable as I love a good trailer but they have become formulated and predictable. Not to mention about 70% are now in 3D which now become the standard for most films. I mean - if you can make Step Up 3D that pretty much opens the flood gates for any old tripe to be made into 3D. And in doing so, allowing the theatre to charge more money no matter how bad the film is.

But I digress...


The magic has died a little since I was a child. The films were always larger than life with Dolby and THX surround sound. The images were far superior to anything we could get at home. Now, most of us have big screen HD televisions with the same type of sound systems. We don't need to go any further than our own living rooms to enjoy a good movie. And with the dawn of 3D home television we have created a new standard in home entertainment.

Where does it stop? We as a society have such a desire for the next new thing we are slowly killing the magic because we over-expose ourselves to it. Technology has advanced to such a degree it has become common place. Having a computer was once considered a privilege. Now it's a right. Microwaves were expensive now we can't seem to live without one. We joke about 'remember when we had to use a pay phone to call away from home' but the reality that we can't seem to live without our cell phones is quite frightening.

I am not going to say I don't appreciate all of the advances technology has made. I wouldn't be sitting in my bed typing this on my laptop via my wireless network if I didn't. I am just wanting everyone as a society to appreciate what we have here and now without waiting for the next big thing to come around. I think that's part of my problem. I am always anticipating the next big thing - not just in regards to technology but in regards to everything. I am not living in the moment and enjoying today. I am always looking to the future and anticipating what is to come. The next holiday, school starting, buying a car, even the release of a movie on DVD. I need to learn to live in the moment and realize what I have now. I have to realize that what I have, where I am and who I am is enough.

WHAT TO DO, WHAT TO DO

I cannot believe how busy the last month has been considering my #1 client closed it's doors. I haven't really felt any slow down at all. That is until this week. This entire process has been a mix of emotions. I began to second guess my recent financial decisions. Did I jump the gun claiming bankruptcy? Now when I look at my to-do list for the next week I can honestly say No I did not.

This may seem all doom and gloom for some of you but to me it's like a blank page. A freshly cleaned white board just waiting to be filled with something new. I have so many ideas for my next move I am just bursting to get started. I see this as an opportunity to explore dreams that I once had which were left abandoned. I chose to continue working in advertising, not for the sense of personal gratification, but for the money. Now I can finally do something that feeds my soul and with luck, will also put food on the table.

There are many things I used to do that I can now try again. I can start to draw and paint. I can spend more time reading. I have started writing again. I am designing toys and furniture with my husband. Besides all this I will also have more time with my children. My youngest starts grade 1 in the fall and will need my help with her homework. I can spend more time in my garden. This year's garden was quite successful but given more time I think I could have done more research and planned it better.

So now I am going to spend the next few months exploring all of my loves and passions and then maybe I can figure out my next career move.

Let me just say that none of this would be possible without my husband Kevin. When I told him my plan he said 'I will support you whatever you want to do. I just want you to be happy.' If it wasn't for Kevin I don't know what I would do so for this I say THANK YOU KEVIN. You really are an amazing husband.

I know this post has been incredibly short and sort of ham fisted but my brain is absolutely swimming. I am in the middle of writing a book (something I have been wanting to do my entire life). I can't get it out of my head. Wish me luck and I'll keep you posted.

PUSSYCAT, PUSSYCAT WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

Let me just say first - it's good to be back. I have been holding out in a rather dark and miserable place lately and let me say that you should be relieved that I haven't been writing. Very dark and not so pretty. Not even Edgar Allen Poe pretty.
The Raven had more light in it than anything I could have produced.

So now that I am living in the light again I can 'reflect' constructively on the past month and make it seem not so doom and gloom and find the aha in my time spent away...well let's just see okay...

So as you know about my finances...blah blah blah...I won't bore you with he recap like a cheesy sequel in a novel. If you are joining us mid-blog I suggest you read the last 2 blogs and you'll be up to speed. Well - since then I have been whirling down and down and down still struggling with the fact that I had to make some pretty serious decisions which have affected me not only financially but personally. It has also affected my feelings of self worth. I realize that I was being ridiculous and sulky but still, I am an emotional person and prone to these sorts of 'episodes' let's call them.

Anyway, I was feeling sorry for myself (I know Trish will like this one wink) and allowing myself to feel less than what I was. I was allowing my finances to dictate my value as a person. "How?" you say...well let me fill you in.

As most of you know I was po growing up (which is much worse than poor). High school was a myriad of dodging subjects such as television (we had a black and white with no cable so I missed out on all the cool shows), clothing (I shopped at the Salvation Army not Le Chateau), hair (I couldn't afford a decent haircut so I had my friend Roxanne cut it or I went to Poor Boys - that says it all right there), food (sometimes we didn't have any). The list goes on and on. As a result conversations could be somewhat limiting. So I spent a lot of time not speaking or socializing at all. Well this is just what happened as a result of the bankruptcy. I didn't want to answer questions about my business, where are my cars, where were we going on vacation, will my daughter be in competitive dance this year. It was all too daunting. I started to feel LESS of who I was because I had less - less clients, money and stuff.

I was starting to feel pretty shitty. I had no energy, I didn't want to speak to anyone, go outside, socialize - you get the picture. That was until yesterday.

I decided the best thing i could do was to get my priorities in order and start balancing out my life again. What was my big aha moment? The event that showed me the light and caused angels to sing? There wasn't one. It was a slow culmination of thoughts in my head. I began to realize that I was now allowing all of these negative thoughts to leak out in a not-so-pretty way. I was lashing out at my husband and kids, I was eating without regard to what I was putting in my mouth, I was barely keeping up with the housework, I was losing my gumption...something, frankly I just can't live without. It's like losing my 'Yvonne'. What am I without it but a shell of a person - a doormat - a bore.

So here I am again. Feeling the urge to purge and the need to sort out my life. I know I have said all of this before but I figure if addicts can relapse 2 or 3 times then so can I. The point is to never give up trying.

Let's consider today day 2 of being in emotional recovery. I am going to do my 12 steps towards personal redemption and forgiveness and work towards being free of the burdens that have prevented me from the life I could have. This my vow:

1. Forgive myself

2. Treat myself with the respect I deserve or no one else will

3. Feed my body with love.

4. Feed my body with healthy food.

5. Do not measure my self worth in terms of pounds or dollars.

6. Purge that which has no true value.

7. Embrace the good around me and remind myself every day of my good fortune.

8. Keep my mind sorted and don't get mired in the every day.

9. Balance my day. Don't be afraid of your inner Libra. It's what keeps you sane.

10. Be there for the ones you love both in body and mind. Listen and comfort without judgment.

11. Be there for yourself and do what you need to stay on the path.

12. Don't forget to live. Enjoy life and all that there is to offer. Walk in the woods, bike around town, swim, and don't worry about what everyone else thinks because it can steal your will.

I am so glad to be back. I cannot tell you how dark and lonely it has been but that doesn't matter. I am here again.

YOU'VE GOT A FRIEND IN ME

I have considered myself blessed over the past 2 years. I have made many friends whom I consider 'good' friends and I know how rare this is. Although I get along with most people I meet, few I choose to call good friends. Few are the people I would tell my secrets to. I reserve these things for people I know will suppport me in my time of need.

Not all of my friends have the same qualities either. Some are quiet and tolerant, others are forward and honest, others are easy going and even tempered. There are also a few traits that they all have in common.

A friend is supportive. I am not saying they stand idly by while you flush your life away or they see you in an abusive relationship and allow you to continue along that path. That is not what friendship is all about. It's not about blindly agreeing with you. It's about wanting what is best for you and supporting your decision to persue your dreams. It's about believing in you.

A friend does not judge your mistakes. Yes we all make them and we all see them but we have to understand and respect them. That is not to say we should just stand by and let each other fall when we see danger. I am always open for a friendly heads up. And even if you still fall your friend will reach out and give you a hand to pick yourself up.

A friend is there to listen. They are there to help you talk about life both good and bad. They listen and laugh and cry and hurt right along with you. They try to understand and even if they don't they are there for you.

Now having said all of that I have one question. Why is it that I cannot be all of these things for myself? Why can't I stop judging myself? Why can't I believ in myself? Why can't I want what is best for me? It's bizarre really when you think about it. I have such high expextations of those around me but not for myself. Typical isn't it?

So from now on I will resolve to believe in the best in me no matter what mistakes I make along the way. I will understand and listen to my own inner voice and not judge myself so harshly. If I should fail at whatever I attempt I will get up and try again and never give up trying. And if that doesn't work I will try something else. Never give up. Never surrender. After all, that's what my friends should expect from me as a friend. I should expect nothing less for myself.

DING DONG, THE WITCH IS DEAD

Well I am finally back. I have signed all the paperwork, surrendered our vehicles and ready to start again.

As you may or may not know my business took a hard hit due to many factors. Now It is day one and I am starting again. You may or may not be happy to know that I currently have enough work to pay the bills and put food on the table. We have also managed to scrounge together enough money to buy a decent used minivan. All in all I would say we are doing well.

I am particularly impressed by how little we managed to live on this month. We spent the lowest amount on groceries ever. We managed to buy a vehicle. Granted we had to let a few bills go late but this was on the recommendation of our trustee so that we would still have a decent vehicle for Kevin to commute to work with. The vegetable garden also helped us save money. A $60 overall investment has saved us $100 and we haven't even started picking tomatoes, melons or carrots. Yum! I can't wait.

Next it's time to look at what is on the horizon. There are several options I am considering in the future. We are considering designing children's toys, wooden furniture (putting Kevin's skills to work), working part time for a client, web design...I actually have a lot of options and for that I am extremely grateful.

But this time I am not going to rush into it. I want to make a decision that is right for me and my family. This time I want to feed my soul, not my debt.

Wish me luck and I will keep you posted! I am working in the garage with Kevin this weekend. He is teaching me to use the scroll saw. Hopefully I will still have all of my fingers so I can still type!

FALLING DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE

It's been about a month since my last blog and so much has changed.

As most of you know this year has been somewhat tumultuous in terms of my finances. This is a result of - let's face it - bad money management, increased debt, and decreased income from my business' perspective. So It would turn out that this was just the beginning of a journey that continues to test my resolve and cause me to question my future both financially and professionally.

Allow me to recap a bit of the year prior to June 16 - the day of my last blog...

For many years I have been living in a fog. There is really no other way to describe it. I have been mindlessly spending money and accumulating 'stuff' in an effort to fill a void. As a result, I now have loads of crap, mounds of debt, and, you guessed it, I still have the void.

On top this I have also gained copious amounts of weight in an effort to deal with the physical and emotional stress trying to 'stuff' the emotions caused by the void. Paired with my already wavering feelings of self-worth, well, this just spells disaster for my wallet and my waistline.

Up until June I was making efforts to keep my emotions in tact. I was blogging, cooking, socializing and otherwise pushing on. That was until the pressure caused me to break and I gave in. I stopped talking to anyone. I kept to myself. I stopped blogging and I collapsed.

At first I could deal with the financial problems we had in front of us. Yes it was bleak but I knew we could get by. We could manage. We discussed plans on how to tackle the debt and eventually get a handle on our finances. But it seemed that every time we thought we were on top of things something else popped up and we were back to square one.

Take our household bills for instance. The minute those were caught up we had to pay our credit card bills. I wouldn't get paid by clients on time and would have to wait an extra 30 DAYS for payment. Now we had to let the credit card bills slide until I got paid. Then we were a month behind. Pretty soon all of the bills were 30 days behind and it seemed we would never catch up. I had 1 good month this quarter but I have yet to be paid for it, so we are stuck waiting again.

So every night I spend tossing and turning. Some nights I wake up at 1 or 2 in the morning unable to fall back asleep because my brain would lock onto all of the bills that had to be paid and that was it - no sleep for me. I could account an entire month's worth of bills by memory - which is what I did...every night.

I was spending every waking moment thinking about bills. It was like a dream sequence. People would be talking to me and I would be thinking "If I don't pay my cell phone in 3 days, Rogers will cut it off". I felt terrible. Eventually there was no real point to talking to people at all. I could only focus on my bills.

As you can well imagine this financial fog did absolutely nothing for my need to diet and exercise. I had to cancel the gym because of money but to be absolutely truthful, my brain wouldn't let me even consider exercise. I could barely get through my day let alone do something good for myself. Some days I can barely get out of bed. I wake up feeling groggy and overwhelmed. I think there is no point in working any more because I never seem to get ahead.

So here we have it - it would seem I have hit bottom. But I was wrong. I still have a lot further down I can go.

It is July 8, 2010. We have our second meeting with Hoyes Michalos - Trustees in Bankruptcy. They also do something called a 'consumer proposal'. This is a proposal presented to your debtors in which you agree to pay back a percentage of your debt over the course of 5 years. The debtors are given the opportunity to 'vote' on the proposal and from there they decide whether or not you will A) pay the debt at the rate agreed B) reject the proposal and force you to submit another one at a higher payment option or C) go bankrupt.

Kevin and I had discussed both of these options before and we felt that a consumer proposal was in our best interest. That was until July 8,2010.

Just a few days prior to this I had been speaking to a friend of mine who works for my #1 client. She and some other people were concerned that something suspicious was going on in the office. We discussed that there was a chance the business was going to be sold. Well, this was the last straw for me. Between the sleepless nights, the stress and the pressure that was continually building in my life, I knew that if my client was to back out my business was going to slowly sink.

So now I am in an absolute panic. I am fucked. Sorry there is just no other way to say it. I know that this is it for me. There is no getting 'back on track'. Now it's just a matter of surviving.

When we sit down with one of the partners at Hoyes Micholas we lay out our debt and our options. Kevin's proposal looked feasible but mine was not looking very promising. By this time I had had enough. I was exhausted and frankly, I was beaten. I was done. I looked at the man sitting across from me at the desk and replied "I just want this over." I am filing for bankruptcy."

I couldn't believe what I was saying. It was like I just told the world "I failed!!!" I felt guilty about not being able to pay back my debt. I felt irresponsible for letting it get this bad. But most of all I felt ashamed.

As I left the office I quickly scanned the waiting room hoping that no one had heard what I had said. Most importantly, I wanted to make sure I didn't know anyone because at this point I could barely choke back the tears.

I slid into the van (that would have to give back to the bank) and we drove home.

For a few days I was able to let my financial issues go. I was able to go on with the day and focus on my family and my job but I still couldn't sleep. Yes I felt horrible about my decision but I knew it was the right thing to do. Plus there was still more to do to finish what we started.

I won't go into boring details about what is involved in going bankrupt but needless to say it kept me busy for serveral weeks and kept me up at night wondering when it would all be over.

In the meantime I received a call from my friend at my #1 client's office - July 12 - only 4 days after my meeting. She told me that she came to the office and they had fired EVERYONE but her and one other person. She wanted to give me the heads up. They were getting out of the digital signage industry because they too had been struggling for the past 2 years and could no longer continue in this business.

I didn't know what to think. I was sad for the people who lost their jobs but in an odd way I was relieved for myself. My decision to go bankrupt was the best route to take because without this client I would be losing 50% of my business. This loss coupled with the 25% loss I had already suffered this year there was no way I could survive.

So now I am at a crossroads. Do I continue to do what I do and try to find more clients? Should I pack in my business and get a job at a design house? Do I start a new career? Do I start doing more web design? Or maybe I just work at the local video store and stay home with the kids? I just don't know.


At this point I have a lot of thinking to do but first I need to get my life back. I need to sleep, socialize focus on some positive things. I still feel as though I am lingering in a fog but it's one of sleeplessness and stress. I don't feel like I can make good decisions when my mind and body are in such an unhealthy place.

So I am going to continue to work at my business for the rest of the summer for as much money as that makes me. Plus I have the kids home so I have them to look after as well. And despite all this we still get to keep the house so I still have that to look after (thank goodness).

On Monday I sign the papers for my bankruptcy. We return both of our vehicles to the bank and I declare that I am a financial ruin. In some ways I suppose I am admitting defeat but in other ways I am fortunate. Although my credit has been destroyed I kind of see this as a chance to start again. To start from scratch and hopefully, this time, get it right.

From here I don't know what will happen...I just know that I have to start making decisions that are right for me and my family. Because in reality, falling down the rabbit hole is not very much fun. It is dark and lonely and it seems like it will never end. And when you finally reach the bottom you are beaten and bruised, tire and confused and you just want to find a way out. It's never as simple as eating cake or drinking the potion. You have to find balance and hopefully, eventually you will get through the door that leads to the adventure that is your life.

COME OUT, COME OUT, WHEREVER YOU ARE!

I know it has been a long time since I have written. When I am embroiled in the strife and stress of life I tend to retreat and live inside my head. That was the entire reason I started this blog was to avoid this habit but as you can see I have been led astray by my own thoughts.

I have been pondering my future as of late. Trying to digest the ups and downs of finances, expanding my mind with further training and all the while attempting to balance my daily life - but I have been feeling less than inspired lately. This is not to say I am at a dead end or I 'cannot go on'. Frankly I don't know the meaning of the phrase...I am very stubborn (AKA tenacious). Lately I am just feeling a bit blah.

I am going to be very frank with you right now. I often battle depression. There it is - in all of its ugliness and controversy. As much as I would love to deny this fact, and as much as I try to hide it, this is the truth. And depression can be very debilitating in the best of times. Even now I am finding it difficult to fight the waves of emotion, the pit in my stomach and continue to write.

Sometimes there is no rhyme or reason to my bouts of the blues. They can come with the seasons or they can be a precursor to my period. I don't know if I have Seasonal Affective Disorder, PMDD, the blues, menopause or if I am just plain depressed. Whatever it is, the feelings come over me like a wave and I struggle to keep my head above water.

There have been a few times that I have been on Prozak but I DO NOT like myself when I am on it. I feel like a Stepford wife. When I am on meds you could shit in my living room and I would not even blink. I would simply retrieve the cleaning supplies and clean up the mess. If you know me and my personality you know that this would not be my natural reaction. Perhaps I could try a different medication but I am afraid this will happen to me again. Plus, I am not ALWAYS depressed. I have bouts of it. I don't want to be in a permanent haze just to avoid another bout - that just seems wrong somehow.

I think it's safe to say I am a very emotional person but this is not always a bad thing. This is what makes me sensitive to other people. It allows me to feel what they feel, to understand when they are experiencing their own difficulties. It also makes me better at my job. The art of advertising can easily be boiled down to the art of understanding emotions. Selling is understanding your audience. Understanding your audience is feeling what they feel. It's an ALMOST perfect fit.

On the flip side my emotions can make getting through each day a struggle. Sometimes I lose interest. I drift. I daydream. I become fixated on things that are of no real consequence. This is what I fight. And it is on those days I struggle to get through the day, put on a happy face, socialize, work, parent.

So now you know where I have been. I wish I hadn't been away so long but sometimes I struggle to talk or write because I don't always like to talk about my feelings. It's been my experience over the years that this topic makes people uncomfortable.
Hopefully reading this blog won't change your opinion of me but instead help to understand that when I seem far away and distant, I am not being rude, I am not angry at you, I am just treading water and trying hard to breathe.

Thanks to Sue for posting on my wall. That simple act gave me the inspiration to write again. And thanks for listening....and I'll try not to be so quiet for so long again.