Don't Tread On Me

When I was in high school I was different. I was not as confident or as kind but I was also much more assertive and I always stood up for myself and others. I didn't take much crap from anyone. Over the years I have mellowed considerably but I am not sure it was in my best interest. Now I have gone so far in the other direction i have become somewhat of a doormat.

There have been some advantages to being a kinder gentler Yvonne. I find socializing much easier. I can get along with most people because they perceive me as positive and upbeat. My social life has become somewhat easier. When I meet people I always give them the best of me. I am positive, I inquire about them, I try to find a common interest. But I don't stop there. I continue any and all conversations in a vein that I perceive as one that will please the other person. In other words I am a chameleon. I become whatever it is that the other person needs in order for him or her to like me. 

For years I thought this is what was required of me in order to 1. obtain friendship and 2. obtain success. Any self aware existentialist will tell you that this is not true in the case of friendship although from a professional standpoint that it is definitely true in terms of business relationships and success. So now I can deduce that...

BECOMING SOMEONE ELSE TO PLEASE OTHERS DOES NOT CREATE OR MAINTAIN A HEALTHY FRIENDSHIP

Seems pretty obvious doesn't it. You shouldn't have to pretend you are someone else to be friends with someone. But sometimes we have to be a 'watered down' version of ourselves in order to keep the peace. EXAMPLE: On the street where i used to live the women all talked about clothes, their kids new toys, what was on sale at the grocery store...you get the picture. I don't really care about any of those topics. I wanted to talk about relative issues. I wanted to talk about what's going on in the world. I wanted to discover enlightenment and become a better person. But these people would have none of it. If I brought up a topic that was not in their repertoire they would immediately interrupt me and change the subject. In the 6 years I lived on that street I soon learned to smile and keep my mouth shut if I was to be accepted as 'one of the girls'.

Soon I found myself miserable. I had become someone I no longer recognized. It was then that I realized it was time to move on. I wanted to come home. Back to Brantford. Back to the city I grew up in where people understood me and I didn't have to pretend anymore. Back to my family and friends.

So now I am back and feeling more myself except for one small detail. I still have not found my voice.

For whatever reason I still cannot say NO. I remember seeing a therapist or some other expert on Oprah. He said 'when you say no to others you say YES to yourself'. It's such a simple concept. When I heard that I thought GENIUS! I should be doing that. But am I? Uh...no. And why you ask. Because I am a people pleaser.

I don't like to say no to people because I don't want to disappoint them. The problem is now I am expected to always say yes. I am not blaming anyone for this. Yes for a while there I felt I was being taken advantage of. I was angry at those who had 'done me ill' but after a few weeks of stewing and festering over it I realized it wasn't other people at fault. It was me. I was the one who let it go on. I was the one who allowed it to happen. I had in fact turned myself in to the preverbal doormat.

I may not be reducing myself so that others will like me but I am still not standing up for my own rights. I still have not found the balance of what is good for me even in the simplest situations. Saying no sometimes is what is good for me but for some reason the need to please others trumps my own needs. There are days when I am just having a bad day and I don't want to see ANYONE. Yet on that same day, if someone asked me to  babysit their children I would say yes because I didn't want to disappoint the parents or the child. I would spend the entire time while babysitting doing crafts, smiling, feeding and entertaining everyone but on the inside I wanted to cry. I would deny my own needs in order to fulfill others needs.

So now I am trying to assert myself and my rights. I am saying no. I am learning to say 'that is not okay'. I am taking back what is mine. I may not be doing it very gracefully right now but this is new territory for me. So if you find me somewhat abrasive and abrupt please don't take it personally. I am trying to find my voice. It may come out as a roar at first but I am working on a strong confident resounding assertiveness. I am looking for the balance between the bull headed teenager I once was and the mature woman I am now. I am hoping that when the two finally do meet they will be able to become one strong, confident person and accept one another as she is.

DON'T WORRY YOU'LL LEARN - EVENTUALLY - I THINK

I feel like I have changed since my surgery. I am calm. I am content. I have more energy. Generally I feel better about myself. I have learned to take my time and take in what’s around me. I am more aware of my actions and behaviors because I am more at peace. I am no longer living in a fog.




Let me explain.



Prior to surgery I never rested. I was always running the kids around or running after them, cleaning the house or cooking. If I wasn’t completely immersed in those two areas of my life I was working. I thought this is what people were supposed to do. Most women I know talk about all the activities their kids are in or how much work they have to do. It seems the only way we can validate our existence is by filling every minute of our lives with menial tasks. Frankly I was no different.



I thought that if I did enough, if I was busy enough and if I never stopped, one day I would be good enough. I never realized until surgery forced me to rest that no matter how much I filled my ‘to do’ list I would never feel good enough. It was for this reason and several others that I have decided to seek counseling.



Two weeks ago I went to see a councilor. Our first session was a ‘get to know you’ type of meeting where she asked me questions like ‘why are you here’, who is in your family’, and ‘what was your family like growing up’.



I explained to her that I was here because I was having trouble at home and in relationships both with others and with myself. I said that I have a wonderful husband and 2 lovely girls. I stated that my father was an alcoholic and after my parents divorce I became a latchkey kid.



After that we began to delve more into what was going on in my life and the changes that have occurred since my surgery. I told her that I was feeling better about myself in general. I wanted to go out and socialize more and do more in the community. I didn’t appear in public often before I lost weight and now I wanted to get my life back. I was finding it difficult because of the burdens I was feeling at home. Most days I felt over-committed and stretched thin. I felt burned out.



“Children of alcoholics tend to do that” is how the councilor responded.



At the time I thought that’s interesting and then we moved on to other issues. It wasn’t until after the session I really let that statement sink in.



Did my father’s alcoholism really affect me that profoundly? Is it possible that it is still doing it to this day? I decided to look up Adult Children of Alcoholics on the internet. I was curious what that meant.



The first thing ACOAs do is ‘guess’ at what normal is. It seems like a simple statement but for me it was a revelation.



I had been guessing at normal my entire life. I didn’t know what a normal marital relationship was. I didn’t know what a normal childhood was. I didn’t know what a normal home life was. I imagined. I saw other people’s home life and assumed that was normal and of course I saw images in movies and on television and dreamed that was normal. I still don’t know what normal is. The good news is that I also learned there is no such thing as normal – only functional and dysfunctional. The bad news is I am now stuck with the question “what is functional”?



Another important tidbit I discovered is that ACOAs are perfectionists BUT it is all or nothing. We are conditioned to believe that if we are perfect then our alcoholic parent won’t need to drink and will love us and approve of us. This behavior continues into adulthood. We think that if we are perfect then we are lovable.



This was like the ultimate aha moment. I finally began to understand why I was always ‘overachieving’. I was never happy with anything I did. Nothing was ever good enough and I never stopped to appreciate even the biggest accomplishment because I always felt I could do better. No wonder I was exhausted and unhappy. No wonder I suffered from depression. In constantly striving for perfection I was inevitably setting myself up for failure.



According to the books I have since picked up on the subject of Adult Children of Alcoholics; it is growing up in the alcoholic household that has the most profound effect on ACOAs. The addition of physical and sexual abuse made life much more difficult but it’s the conditioning I received because of the alcoholism that has had the most profound and lasting effects to my functionality at a fundamental level.





So yes I am again on a journey of self discovery. Frankly I don’t think I will ever stop. I am now realizing that my relationship with my husband is in fact ‘normal’ because it is functional. I am learning to appreciate what I have accomplished in my life without criticism. I am learning to stop that inner critic that tells me I am not doing enough or making enough money. I still have a lot of work to do but I am learning to take it slow.