HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

This Cake is from Cake Opera Co. in Toronto.
Check them out at cakeoperaco.com

Today I am 39 years old. 39. Say it. Let it wash over you. Let it sink into your subconscious and bounce around for a while. Is age just a number? Is it a mark of us getting that much older?

No.

It's a reason to celebrate another year of successes and failures. It's a day to remember the joy in life as well as the pain. A birthday is like New Year's eve. Say thanks to the universe and celebrate your blessings and wash away the negative to emerge anew and take another path.

Today I think about the people in my life. I think how lucky I am to have them and to know that, through thick and thin, I can count on their support. I think about my family and how blessed I am to have them in my life. To feel their love everyday. I am blessed with 2 wonderful children and a truly caring and understanding husband. I am blessed with supportive friends who want nothing but the best for me.

So today is not about the wrinkles and sags and whatever 'perceived' signs aging provides. I am reminded of the years spent having joy in my life. The fact that in spite of all the obstacles and difficulties I have faced over the year, I am here, still smiling. And if next year when 40 approaches I can say the same thing - I will welcome that birthday with open arms.

Thank you everyone for a wonderful year!

YOU'RE GOOD ENOUGH, YOU'RE SMART ENOUGH, AND GOSH DARN IT, PEOPLE LIKE YOU

I started reading a new book last night. "Women, Food and God". I had a good friend recommend it to me. When I went to find it and discovered that it was $28 to purchase it at Coles..well that put me off  of it for a while. Not to mention the use of the word God in the title. That will scare most of us 'spiritual' types away everytime. I imagined it was going to be yet another journey to find the one true higher power. A concept I whole heartedly do not believe in.

So a few days ago I found my self at the wal (AKA Wal-Mart) where my eldest daughter was on a search for the next Vampire Diaries novel. And there the book was again. Staring me in the face saying "well I am 30% off here. Are you going to read me or not?" I decided to take my meager allowance and splurge on my first hardcover book since the Twilight series. As a reward for my troubles I found at the cash register the book was actually half price. Bravo you bargain diva!

So I took the book home and placed it on my nightstand to read before I went to bed. For the entire evening I thought "I need to get up there and start reading so I can start healing myself and get on with my life." So by 9pm I was in my jammies and snuggled up with my new book and within a few pages I realized that it was not what  I had been expecting.

Right away the author explains that this book is about our 'divine' relationship with food. She uses the term God because it is one that is universally recognized as a 'higher power' but not THE higher power. Phew. What a relief. I can read on. She also goes on to discuss food and diet and our need to 'fix' ourselves through whatever means but usually  along the route of weight loss. She also talks about always rushing to get to the next thing. I am doing it right now. I am rushing my description of the book so I can get to the next paragraph. Even as I make a lasagna I am rushing the cooking of the meat so I can move on the the layering and then the cooking and then, of course the eating. Rush. Rush. Rush.

It's in that chapter that I realize part of my problem. I have never lived in the moment. I have never stopped to enjoy the hear and now. I am always working my way to the next goal. I can remember rushing projects in school because I became anxious about missing the deadline. I remember feeling resentful towards people who handed everyting in late but stil got better grades. Lets face it. It's because they took their time. I was so consumed by the deadline I didn't put the time into the project and given it 100% of myself.

As I child I was always worried about being late. I was like the white rabbit running around checking my watch constantly but never seeming to arrive anywhere. Off to school! Don't be late! You have an appointment don't be late! Let's do lunch! Don't be late! The problem with obsessing with my potential tardiness has led me to being excessively early to everything. I am always early for appointments, meetings, dinner. Once I have arrived at my desitnation I spend those extra 10 or 15 minutes contemplated whether the person I am meeting will be late too. It seems no one is safe from my obsessing.

So here I am peering at this book wondering "Is it really that simple?" Do I just LET GO and be free and stop obsessing? Do I just learn to love myself and everything will be fine? Probably not but I will say one thing. It is one hell of a place to start.

Imagine if everyday you looked in the mirror and instead of seeing all that you perceive to be wrong with you physically and instead you saw all of the beauty your love ones and friends see.

 I remember one day in science class my teacher brought in one those mirrors that lets you see yourself as other see you. Normal mirrors reverse what is actually there whereas this mirror reversed it again so that you could see your actual likeness. I could not believe how different I looked through that mirror. Most of our perceptions of ourselves are equally as distorted. We judge what we see. We concentrate on what we perceive as broken. Imagine seeing past the celulite and the saddle bags and the beginnings of crows feet. Imagine having the ability to peer deep insider yourself and recognize and appreciate the person you are without all of that emotional baggage that has manifested from an unhealthy body image. Imagine how free and liberated you would be if you could see that you don't need to fix you because you are not broken.

I spoke to a good friend today about another one of my obsessive behaviours. You see I have never considered myself to be a particlularly nice person. I am always concerned that I haven't been as tolerant or as forgiving as I should be. Once again I have found something else to fix. But I have come to realize that I will never be a saint but I am certainly no devil either. I am realizing that I can be kind but not allow myself to be taken advantage of either. I can assert myself in other ways.

All this enlightenment. All this realization and I am only 100 pages in! Normally I would try to anticipate 'What's next! What's next!'. Instead I am going to work on what it in front of me now. I have made some intense realizations about myself. Whether or not they all stem back to my relationship with food remains to be seen but I have an inkling they will. But that is not for me to speculate about now. Now I am going enjoy the quiet of my home. I am going to enjoy the smell of the beef as it simmers on the stove. I am going to listen to the bird that is singing in outside my window. And somewhere, deep inside myself, I will try to find the serenity to not kill the fly that continues to buzz around my head and drive me crazy! Hey, even Gandhi would be rolling up the newspaper right now...or would he...either way he can decide for himself and so can I.

NO MORE!

On the morning of September 20th I go for my first appointment before I have my bariatric surgery. There are 4 to 6 appointments I must go to which can take up to 9 months. It's been a long road to get this far. 3 years of trying to get on a list for surgery. This was always 'my last option'. I joined a gym, hired a trainer, went to meetings, spoke to nutritionists, starved myself, reduced carbs, fat, dairy, stopped eating red meat, stopped eating white flour, stopped eathing all together, drinking more water...you name it, I have done it all.

Food isn't just food for me. It's comfort. I have been an emotional eater all my life. I can remember my parents would order KFC on Thursday when dad got paid and every Friday we would get a treat from the store. These were the best days of the week. I won't talk about the bad stuff that went on in my house but it left me clinging to anything that brought even the most minute ounce of joy. This is the beginning of my obsession with food.

I was always a chubby child especially when compared with my rather thin sister. People including my family would comment on my weight. It was so bad they sent me to Weight Watchers when I was 8 years old. At the meeting they told me that I needed to eat more just healthier choices. That was possibly the most idiotic thing I had ever heard. What choices was I able to make. I ate what I was given and I was FORCED to clean my plate every time I sat at the table. So now I am completely confused. I am told that I should not eat so much by my family but here were the experts telling me I didn't eat enough. I just didn't know what to do.

All these years of denying my body food or overindulging resulted in obsessing. Even when I wasn't eating  I was worried about when I was going to eat next, what it would be, how many calories I would be consuming. It just never ended. And when I did not obsess about what I was eating and tracking my food consumption I began to gain weight. Let's face it - weight and food have ruled my life ever since that first Weight Watchers meeting 30 years ago.

I guess I am just tired of everyone telling me what I NEED to do to lose weight. The last thing I NEED is for someone else to parade their ignorant assumptions about me and my weight by telling me how to diet, what new fad I should try, and how I should live my life. Really it all measures up to the underlying message that is contained with each sentence. The message that says "You are fat. Stop eating." Trust me I've even tried the starvation route and that doesn't always work out.

It also seems that if I am not constantly 'dieting' people look at me with suspicion. Like 'are you sure you should be eating that fatty?' It's not like I am scarfing down fries every chance I get. I only eat fast food MAYBE 6 times a year. I have a chocolate bar once a week. I am not a huge chip fan. I can live with just a cup. I eat fruit and veg every day. Yes I could eat more of them AND drink more water but who couldn't. I mean the majority of our society does not eat right, excercise and watch their food intake but because they are not fat then it doesn't seem to matter.

I am sick to death of feeling like I have to EXPLAIN myself because I am fat. I am sick of  feeling like I am the only one at the birthday party that is not ALLOWED to have cake because I am fat. I am sick to death of feeling like I have to EXPLAIN myself everytime I eat something that might be bad for me. Most of all I am sick to death of living my life by what rules everyone else thinks I should follow.

From now on I am going to make healthy choices as much as I can. Yes I will have bad days but that is no one's business but mine. If you catch me eating a piece of cake or a donought I DON'T OWE YOU AN EXPLANATION! I don't owe you shit. It's my life. I don't tell you how to live yours so don't tell me how to live mine. And don't  tell me you are 'concerned' about my health. If you were concerned about me you would ask me how I am feeling not WHY, WHAT AND HOW MUCH I AM EATING!

So I am done with being told how to live my life. I am done being judged by others. I am done with that condescending voice both in my head and out of it telling me what to do. From now on I am going to make decisions not based on what other people will think but what I will think because really I am the one who has to live withe consequences...no one else. And for the record, my kids and husband NEVER obsess about what I am eating. They love me just the way I am. They don't see me as fat - they see me as me. So what does that tell you?

English Speak Making Hardness

Wow - what a week. I am exhausted. On Tuesday the girls went back to school and I started a new part-time job. On top of that I had 5 commercials to finish by end of day Friday. Not to mention I have a presentation to finish this weekend AND it's my 12 year wedding anniversary on Sunday. I confess I have nothing left. I am drained, beat, done. All I want is a soft fluffy pillow, a good book, my fuzzy jammies and a cool autumn breeze wafting through my bedroom window. Now that's my idea of heaven.

But it is not to be quite yet. I am still working. Right now I am waiting for a file to upload for a client who emailed me 2 hours ago and said "by the way this start monday. Can you make sure it gets to the right people? Thanks". What she should have said was "Can you finish this job for me because I am already sipping Marguerittas from my ocean view on the westcoast and I couldn't possibly pull myself away from such joy. I mean it's not like you have a life outside of your basement. You only have 2 kids, 2 dogs, 3 rabbits, a husband, a home to clean, mounds of laundry to do and other deadlines but hey...I'm the client and that's not my problem."

Whoa did I spiral there or what?

So now I am going to spend a few pleasant hours with my friends and hopefully I will be able to maintain a somewhat intelligent conversation without causing them to further question my intelligence based on my slaughtering of the English language due to sleep deprivation.

I don't even know what I am saying anymore.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Talk soon! Love ya!!!!