A few weeks ago I was asked to list what I think makes a successful relationship. Since the day I started to like boys I had a vague idea of that answer but it morphed with every boy or man I dated. Not every relationship I was in had a lasting impact but I can say with certainty that there were a few that changed how I perceived what made the ideal boyfriend.1985 - 1988
I want a cute boy that likes good music, dresses well, writes poetry and makes me laugh.
As it turns out these boys were in short supply and they usually liked other boys. During this time I dated a jock. What can I say - he made me laugh and he was nice to me and that was good enough. I was 15 years old.
1988 - 1990
I want a good-looking boy who likes music I like, dresses well, is passionate and makes me laugh. Instead I dated a boy who was very good-looking, treated me well for the first 2 months and then treated me like a disease and I was convinced I was in love with him. I'm just glad I was wise enough to know that I deserved better. Next...
1990 - 1993
I want an attractive guy who is funny, smart, likes good music, shares my interests and is good in bed.
During this time I dated someone who was funny and smart. We didn't like the same music, had nothing in common and he really didn't treat me that well but it was better than boy circa 1988 to 1990. We stayed together for 2 years.
1993 - 1996
I want to date an attractive guy who is nice, dependable, respectful of me, makes me laugh and is good in bed.
During this time I met my husband. He was all of these things to me. Yes we weren't a perfect fit and we didn't have a lot in common but after '90 to '93 I knew I was dating someone who would be good to me. I knew that no matter what happened he would be there for me and support me.
1996 - 1998
I want to be in a relationship with someone who is attractive, nice, dependable, respectul, will do his share of the chores, can help pay the bills, who makes me laugh and is good in bed.
Kevin and I moved in together and our relationship began to change. I had lived on my own since 1990 but Kevin had not lived anywhere but at home. It was a big adjustment for both of us but mostly him. He never had to cook or clean or do laundry or pay bills. I had been doing it all for years so I just assumed everyone should know how to do these things. I was impatient with Kevin and demanding and looking back I regret that. Still we made it through and got married in 1998.
1998 - 2001
I need a man who can change diapers, get up in the night, pay the bills, feed the dog look after the house, who is nice, dependable, respectful, who makes me laugh and understands when I just don't want to have sex.
In 1999 we had our first child. I became a working mother and Kevin became the father and provider. I have boiled our roles down to the simplest of terms but in essence this is what happened. We no longer took time as a couple. We committed all of our energy to raising our daughter and trying to save enough money to buy our first home. We were toiling away at our jobs trying to advance.Everything that a young couple is expected to do. It was 3 of us together against the world.
2001 - 2004
I need a man who can help with homework, pay bills, mow the lawn, take out the trash, do the dishes, walk the dog, who is patient and kind, loving, dependable who makes me laugh and is still willing to give me one more child.
Kevin and I are now living in our fist house and continuing to build our careers, Kevin comes out of the factory and works in the office, I am promoted to senior designer. We live in suburbia, have drinks with the neighbours and barbeques in the backyard. We still go out occasionally to the movies or to dinner but mostly we stay at home with Rhea.
2004 - 2008
I need a man who can change more diapers this time, help with homework, pay the bills, mow the lawn, take out the trash, help around the house, walk the dog, who is patient and kind, loving and dependable, who makes me laugh and lets me sleep through the night on occasion.
In 2004 our second child is born and I start to work from home. We spend our time split between our children, our jobs and our home. We go out once every other month for dinner and a movie if we have time and money.
2008 - 2011
I need man who is strong, dependable, understanding, helpful around the house, understands me, loves me, can help with homework, help around the house, reach the top shelf, open tight lids, look after repairs, maintain the vehicles, walk the dog, doesn't mind cooking on occasion, who is funny and makes me laugh.
Exhausted with living in a big city we move to Brantford to raise our kids. Kevin commutes to Burlington and I continue to work from home. We spend most our time working, running the kids to activities, looking after the house, and 3 or 4 times a year we go out for dinner or a movie if we can get a sitter, we have the energy and we can afford it.
When I was younger I really only needed someone I could love and who would love me back. It was quite simple. Unrealistic - yes - but simple. As you get older you realize that it isn't enough just to 'love' someone or be attracted to person and even having similar interests isn't necessarily going to make a relationship work . There will be many challenges to face - both as a couple and as individuals. Your relationship and your needs will constantly change. The real question is whether or not both of you can adapt as a couple. One thing that should never change is that you never stop trying.
If I could go back I would have made my relationship more of a priority. We put our relationship on the back burner while we raised our children, climbed the corporate ladder and built up what we thought were our priorities. Now that life has finally allowed us time to ourselves again we are having to adapt again. We need to rediscover what made our relationship work.
Now I am faced with the question 'what makes a successful relationship' and I am stumped. I can't boil it down to a laundry list of requirements because that list is always changing. What I can say is this.
