The start of most of this change was my fiscal decline into bankruptcy. Yes I have joined the ranks of the unwashed masses who can no longer afford to repay the debt they have managed to amass. It would be easy to blame the failing economy and the bankruptcy of my principal client. I would love to say it’s all the government’s fault but in reality I had a hand in it too. I got caught up the purchasing fever we as a society all seem to suffer. I became consumer driven. I was so concerned about image and keeping up with the Jones’ I let it overcome who I am. I have never been focused on money. I don’t care what car people drive, the home they live in or the clothes they wear but for some reason I was measuring myself by those very parameters.
I know I am not alone in my delusion. Sure, some of you can say ‘well, that’s not me’ but be honest with yourself. Do you measure your self worth by a dollar value or is it measured in a way that is not tangible? How do you measure worth? How do any of us measure it?
I can pretend that I am all Zen and one with the cosmic universe and preach that value comes from within…but I cannot seem to convince the rest of me that this is true. Perhaps this is because I grew up in the 80s and material wealth was ALL that mattered. Perhaps it’s that we are constantly bombarded with imagery that defines value in terms of what we own and wear or how many vacations we go in a year or whether or not our vehicles are reducing our carbon footprint (don’t even get me started on the marketing of the environment). Maybe it’s the fact that as a society we idolize celebrities and sports stars and their lavish lifestyles. Ultimately I may be influenced by society but know I am the one who is left to decide how I let it affect me.
Which brings me to how this all makes me FEEL… well to put it bluntly it makes me feel pretty worthless.
Since last year my business has been reduced to a part time endeavor at best. Because of my business failing (yes FAIL – that’s how I see it) we can no longer afford vacations. We are always in the red. We drive crappy cars. We never eat out. I shop at Value Village and occasionally Winners when I can afford it. We need to do repairs on the house but the money is never there. I am back to losing sleep over finances. Sure I look after the kids and we don’t have to pay daycare. Plus I work from home so there’s no commuting cost. The best part is most of what we spend is a write-off so I don’t pay much in taxes. But even with all of these lovely perks it’s still not enough.
Now for the flip side to this melodramatic dark coin…drum roll please…I have lost 80 pounds!!!
Last July I asked to be referred to a surgeon for gastric bypass. After many tests and evaluations I was given the go ahead and was fortunate enough to have RNY on Wednesday February 23, 2011. In just 5 short months I have lost 80 pounds.
I know everyone is probably thinking ‘wow life must be perfect for you now’. Even I was gullible enough to believe this would happen once I lost the weight. I was sadly mistaken. Yes life has been markedly improved since the weight loss. My energy has improved. My knees don’t hurt anymore. I have gone down 10 sizes. I am smaller than I have been in 10 years. This is not to say it did not come with its own consequences. My hormones are ALL OVER THE PLACE. Just ask my husband. It’s like living with someone with an undiagnosed mental condition that is not medicated. That paired with low B-12 levels robbing me of my energy and drive makes me a miserable, lazy, emotional quasi-smaller emotional fuck-whit. Not a pretty picture for me, my husband or my kids.
So now between being broke and not having the energy or drive to do anything about it I am finding myself getting depressed again and again facing the same dark cloud I have faced time and time again. I always seem to think I have this thing licked. When things are good I think ‘I’ll never get sad again’ but sooner or later it happens and I have to battle my way out.
So this is why I am writing again. Like most creative freaks I cannot seem to write unless things are kind of shitty. I am at my most creative when I am in my darkest place. I guess the good news is that this past year has been a good one. Even though for the last 2 months I have battled daily to drag myself out of bed, convincing myself that taking a dose of morphine and going back to sleep for a few more hours is probably a bad idea.
Now before you go calling the men in the white coats try to remember that throughout my twisted life I have learned to identify when I am spiraling – and believe me I am spiraling. That is why I have spoken to my doctor and asked to see a councilor before it gets any worse. I may be a basket case (insert crazed laugh here) but I am not an idiot. I am also not self-destructive so don’t worry about coming to my house and dumping my morphine down the sink. Besides if you do I MAY go postal – smile!
So there you have it folks. I look happy. I feel physically good but I am an emotional wreck. ‘nough said. Regardless I know things will get better. They always do. It’s just a bit harder this time because of the hormonal issues and the B12. This time the battle has become more than emotional it has become physical as well. But don’t you worry. It’s nothing a bottle of tequila and a shotgun won’t fix…kidding. Settle down:)
