I know it has been a long time since I have written. When I am embroiled in the strife and stress of life I tend to retreat and live inside my head. That was the entire reason I started this blog was to avoid this habit but as you can see I have been led astray by my own thoughts.
I have been pondering my future as of late. Trying to digest the ups and downs of finances, expanding my mind with further training and all the while attempting to balance my daily life - but I have been feeling less than inspired lately. This is not to say I am at a dead end or I 'cannot go on'. Frankly I don't know the meaning of the phrase...I am very stubborn (AKA tenacious). Lately I am just feeling a bit blah.
I am going to be very frank with you right now. I often battle depression. There it is - in all of its ugliness and controversy. As much as I would love to deny this fact, and as much as I try to hide it, this is the truth. And depression can be very debilitating in the best of times. Even now I am finding it difficult to fight the waves of emotion, the pit in my stomach and continue to write.
Sometimes there is no rhyme or reason to my bouts of the blues. They can come with the seasons or they can be a precursor to my period. I don't know if I have Seasonal Affective Disorder, PMDD, the blues, menopause or if I am just plain depressed. Whatever it is, the feelings come over me like a wave and I struggle to keep my head above water.
There have been a few times that I have been on Prozak but I DO NOT like myself when I am on it. I feel like a Stepford wife. When I am on meds you could shit in my living room and I would not even blink. I would simply retrieve the cleaning supplies and clean up the mess. If you know me and my personality you know that this would not be my natural reaction. Perhaps I could try a different medication but I am afraid this will happen to me again. Plus, I am not ALWAYS depressed. I have bouts of it. I don't want to be in a permanent haze just to avoid another bout - that just seems wrong somehow.
I think it's safe to say I am a very emotional person but this is not always a bad thing. This is what makes me sensitive to other people. It allows me to feel what they feel, to understand when they are experiencing their own difficulties. It also makes me better at my job. The art of advertising can easily be boiled down to the art of understanding emotions. Selling is understanding your audience. Understanding your audience is feeling what they feel. It's an ALMOST perfect fit.
On the flip side my emotions can make getting through each day a struggle. Sometimes I lose interest. I drift. I daydream. I become fixated on things that are of no real consequence. This is what I fight. And it is on those days I struggle to get through the day, put on a happy face, socialize, work, parent.
So now you know where I have been. I wish I hadn't been away so long but sometimes I struggle to talk or write because I don't always like to talk about my feelings. It's been my experience over the years that this topic makes people uncomfortable.
Hopefully reading this blog won't change your opinion of me but instead help to understand that when I seem far away and distant, I am not being rude, I am not angry at you, I am just treading water and trying hard to breathe.
Thanks to Sue for posting on my wall. That simple act gave me the inspiration to write again. And thanks for listening....and I'll try not to be so quiet for so long again.
